(Chapter III.II) Where Art Thou, Dark Mercenaries?

A moment later, and the voice and the music dissipates, leaving you alone in the darkness in this small town church. A stained glass image of his Holiness Nicholas Cage stares down at you beatifically, and you suddenly feel a bit self-conscious. Is he watching you right now? You slowly get up and make your way across the stone floor, the echo of your footsteps the only sound in the night air. It is time to leave.

You have a new quest. It is to locate and slay the Dark Mercenaries. You will do this, because it is the good and righteous thing to do, and because your Lord has commanded you to do so. Plus, it’s how you’ll get cool new powers, and um… that’s definitely not the reason you’re actually doing this.

At any rate, you have decided you’re not returning to the village until you’ve completed your quest. You quickly leave the boundaries of the small town, keenly aware of the fact that there aren’t any Dark Mercenaries in the vicinity, else you would have fought them to the **** already. The main road leading out of town runs past several farms, but the peasants who live on them are likely all asleep already; there isn’t much point in staying awake once the sun goes down and you can’t see anything.

You carry a torch with you as you walk down the road, heading for the forested valley where the Maiden Thieves have been whisking off their maidens. It’s a prime location for villains to hang out, since there are plenty of hiding spots in the densely wooded lands, but you’ve always managed to catch them in a clearing with a maiden trapped under a tree-trunk: deeply unclear, why they keep doing that. At any rate, you figure that it’s likely that the Dark Mercenaries would hide out in this valley too, both for the cover it provides and due to their supposed affiliation with the Maiden Thieves.

Hours later, you stumble across a clearing, finding the expected maiden trapped under a big log.

“Hey, Maiden Thief, where you at?” you call.

“Help me, help me!” the maiden cries out helplessly. Her voice is high and shrill and very annoying. Worse still, her shrieking is somehow louder than your deep, manly voice. You’re sure the Maiden Thief will never hear you at this rate.

“Shut up, maiden,” you say. “Your screaming is drowning out my hollering.”

“Oh, but PLEASE help me,” the maiden sobs, gesturing at her nubile figure trapped under the log.

“You there, Maiden Thief?” you yell. “I’ve got a couple questions for you!”

“Please, I’ll do ANYTHING,” the maiden cries out.

“Why don’t you shut up?” you suggest.

“Oh no, I couldn’t do that,” she weeps. “PLEASE PLEASE, oh PLEASE!”

Divine inspiration strikes you.

“You said you’ll do anything?” you ask.

“Oh yes, anything, you may ravish me, if you wish,” the maiden says, gesturing to her nubile figure once more.

“Well then,” you say, dropping your breeches and airing your cock. You waddle up to the maiden and thrust your pelvis at her. Your cock dangles mere units away from her face. “Please engage in oral sex while I engage in some oratary of my own.”

The maiden, not a very bright gal, wraps her lips around your cock and begins sucking.

“C’mere, maiden thief! Where you at? I’m looking for you!” you shout, voice finally carrying through the night air now that the maiden is sucking you off instead of screaming her lungs out.

“Hey,” the maiden says, disengaging herself from your cock. You push her face back onto your cock. There might be some gargling or strangled noises, you’re not really sure, because you’re busy shouting: “Maiden thief! The one time I want you here, why have you disappeared?”

“Yo man!” The voice sounds from your left, and you snap in the direction, your cock unwitting flying out of the maiden’s mouth. You swivel your waist slightly, allowing her to continue the blowjob, while you look to your left at the speaker. It’s the maiden thief!

“There’s a script to this shit man,” the maiden thief says. “You gotta rescue the maiden, then I show up to fight you.”

“Oh,” you say. “Uh, can we skip that part since you’re already here? I just had a few questions I needed to ask you. I’m not even going to rescue the maiden if you answer them, so really, we aren’t even enemies anymore.”

“That’s what they all say, until they come back to grind us for XP,” the maiden thief says. He sighs. “Oh well, not my problem. That’s a different guy’s problem. So, what’s been on your mind?”

“I’ve been given a task to find these people known as the Dark Mercenaries,” you say. “You know anything about them? Our Lord and Savior Nick Cage said the two of you were familiar.”

The maiden thief spits on the ground.

“Don’t invoke such holy names in my presence,” he says, giving you a dirty eye. You notice his gaze flashing down to your cock, still pistoning in and out of the maiden’s mouth. “But um… yeah, I know a Dark Mercenary.”

“Really, where can I find him?”

“Bruh, you don’t just assume someone’s pronouns like that,” the maiden thief says. “The Dark Mercenaries are women. Chicks. ‘She/Her/Hers’.”

“Oh, sorry,” you say, a little confused. These mercenaries are hens? Or baby chickens?

“You misgender someone, you might miss out on the chance to fuck ‘em,” the maiden thief says. “Like c’mon, imagine if you beat them up and didn’t realise they were women you could fuck, and just went along on your merry way. Real tragedy.”

“That does sound very sad,” you say.

“Yeah, so here’s the deal. When the Dark Mercenaries aren’t busy terrorizing villages and raiding highways, they all hang out by the cliffside. So that’s where you’ll find them.”

“The cliffside?” you ask, struggling to comprehend, not in the least because you’re on the brink of cumming from the fantastic blowjob you’ve been receiving from the maiden, who doesn’t seem to have realized that you’ve entered into a cooperative relationship with the maiden thief, bless her heart. “Why the cliffside?”

“It’s because they’re edgy as fuck,” the maiden thief says.