"It's about Agamor"

Teysa took a deep breath and closed her eyes. In her head, it had seemed so simple. She would explain her sense of abandonment to Mish'li, and the priestess would laugh and shake her head. "That's nothing, Teysa!" she would say. "It happens to all of us!" Now, sitting in the vast empty chapel, Teysa could not let go of another hideous possibility. She would tell her story and Mish'li would be horrified. She would denounce Teysa as false, accuse her of betraying her God. It was all too easy to imagine the drow's patrician features twisting into a sneer of contempt.

She tried to calm her racing heart. She had come this far. She would see this through.

"Mish'li," she began, "you know I am a paladin. I am sworn to Agamor just as you are to Lolth. I took vows, you know, sacred vows, and--" she stopped. This was coming out all wrong. Her thoughts were tangled. She tried again. "I served Him for a long time, and I brought His light to dark places. I thought I was doing His will down here, but--" again, she trailed off. Her tongue felt leaden, her face slack. Her cheeks burned. She screwed up her eyes and wailed, "I can't hear him anymore! Agamor, he's abandoned me!"

She felt Mish'li's arms encircle her, and a soft hand dabbed at her cheeks. "Shhhh, it's all right, Teysa. It's all right." Mish'li pulled Teysa tight and rested the paladin's head against her shoulder. Teysa choked back a sob and drew in a deep, rattling breath. She pulled back and blinked several times to clear her vision. "It's ok, Mish'li. I'm ok. I can do this." She spoke in a low, tight voice, tension straining at every syllable.

"It started after we returned from the City. At first, I didn't know what was happening. It was like... the absence of a sound that you've been hearing your whole life. I felt wrong. Like I was off-balance all the time. Then when I prayed, it was just... silence."

"Did Agamor speak to you?" Mish'li asked.

"No, never directly, but when I prayed I could... I don't know... feel him. I could tell someone was listening. It felt warm, peaceful. Nice. Lately it's like I'm, I'm shouting into an empty void. There's nobody there. Nobody listening. He's abandoned me." She sniffled. "He doesn't want me anymore."

Mish'li tilted her head forward until their foreheads touched. "Teysa, I can't imagine what that's like. I'm so sorry. I have devoted my life to Mother Lolth. To be severed from her would be the cruellest cut I could imagine."

"Can you help me?" Teysa's voice was tiny. She sounded pathetically hopeful, even to her own ears. Mish'li pulled her head back and gave Teysa a brittle smile. "I do not know, Teysa. I will try. Let's start with this." She reached into her robe and pulled out an embroidered handkerchief.

As Teysa wiped her eyes and blew her nose, Mish'li studied her intently. "Teysa, I want you to think," she said. "When did this begin? Each part of it. Try to remember. Was it while you were in the City?"

Teysa dug into her memory. A deep sense of abandonment and grief welled up inside her, but she found that she could master it. Talking about this was helping, at least a little.

"I don't think so," she said carefully. "I think it was after we got back. Not immediately after, but gradually over a month. I didn't really notice it happening at first."

"Do you think it is because you are cut off from the sun? Is it the source of your power? I'm sorry, I know that sounds ridiculous, but I have to ask."

"It... it might be. I miss feeling it on my face. I miss the warmth." She swallowed. "I dream about it, sometimes. But I cannot go to the surface now. There's so much to do..."

Mish'li nodded. "There used to be a small Agamorian mission in our temple district. They picked up stakes around the time the Empress ascended to the throne. I think they saw the writing on the wall. I never heard about this from them, but I suppose they wouldn't tell me, would they?"

Teysa blinked in surprise. "Other clerics of Agamor? What became of them?"

"I didn't ask." Mish'li shrugged. "I imagine they went elsewhere. Maybe to the dwarves. Some of them worship surface gods. Should I ask?"

"That would be very helpful!" Teysa couldn't conceal her enthusiasm. She had not spoken to another Agamorian in years. She hadn't minded that before-- one duty of the paladin was to carry the faith into new places-- but now she felt that she could use the comfort of a familiar prayer.

"Did you ever have the ability to manifest your devotion? Rituals, things like that?" Mish'li asked. "Divine magic, in other words. We do not have paladins, but I know some of them can accomplish great feats through faith."

Teysa nodded. "Sometimes. In combat, only. I used to think... to think that my mace was Agamor's fist. I was His avenging hand on earth." She sniffed again, oblivious to the tears trickling down her cheeks. "I carried his light in my hand. It was never easy. Never a sure thing. It came when I needed it. I haven't needed it in months. I don't know if it would come when I called." She swallowed. "I'm afraid to find out."

"Don't be, Teysa." Mish'li cupped her cheek in one hand. "Nobody who speaks to you could doubt your faith. You believe as strongly as anyone I've ever seen. It radiates off you. Perhaps some external **** is interfering? I cannot imagine that Agamor would throw away such a loyal servant."

Teysa's face crumpled. She buried her head in her hands and wept. She was dimly aware of hands reaching down from above, squeezing and rubbing her shoulders. Aliara's voice spoke in her ear. "There, there, love. It's me. Just cry it out. We're going to get through this, Tey. I promise." Teysa barely heard her. Aliara was a long way away; the grief was right here. It poured out of her, one long exhalation. All of her pain, rage, frustration, fear, and misery, all of the horrors she had seen and those she had only heard about; it felt like an exorcism, like some malign imp had crawled into her body and was being expelled by ****. Her chest rose and fell in great wracking sobs that shook her body. Through it all, Aliara held her close, singing softly in her ear and rocking back and forth.

After what could have been hours, Teysa finally felt the tide of grief receding. She drew in one last, shuddering breath and opened her eyes, to see Aliara's smiling face inches in front of hers. The half-elf's lips descended in a kiss as soft as the first bloom of spring. When they finally separated, Teysa rubbed her eyes with a dry corner of the handkerchief and looked around.

El'keth had retreated to one corner of the chapel. She appeared to be admiring the paintings of Lolth and Her servants by the altar, but every few moments she would look back at Teysa with a worried expression. Mish'li had withdrawn a few feet and was looking away pointedly. "It's alright, Mish'li," Aliara called. "You can look now. The sappy part's over." Teysa blushed, but in that moment she felt a surge of love for Aliara. She saved me before. If I need her to, she'll save me again. That's what love means.

Teysa managed a wan smile. "Thank you, Mish'li. It's so hard to talk about this."

"I can imagine." The drow's voice was solemn. "I will ask about that Agamorian mission. In the meantime, I can research the clerical archives. Perhaps there has been a case like this in the past? The Church never throws anything away." She grimaced. "Though some things they hide rather well."

"We'll be returning to the warren soon," Teysa said. "Will you come visit us there?"

Mish'li pursed her lips. "I'm not sure. Leaving the city might be... dangerous, at this juncture. Matters are very delicate. They are in flux right now. My presence is stabilizing." She said this without pride, merely stating a fact.

"We noticed there have been some changes," Teysa replied. She hesitated.