The Romance Mechanic

They lay on their couch during another lonely evening at home, controller in hand, putting yet more hours into their latest run of Stardew Valley. They were currently spending their virtual life jumping between dates with Abigail, Leah and Penny. All they had needed to do to woo all three was talk to them, bring them inexpensive gifts and generally act nicely in their presence. When they chose Abigail as their partner for the Flower Dance, their other two girlfriends hadn't objected, and still flirted happily with them at the event. It was such an enjoyable and idyllic dating system - no wonder they had become so addicted to a fucking farming sim.

"I wish romance was this easy in the real world" they signed to themselves.

Almost at the moment the words escaped their lips, their phone began to buzz with obnoxious enthusiasm. They checked it, and quickly discovered that an unfamiliar looking app had taken the liberty of installing itself. Its icon was listed as TRM and, when they opened it out of curiosity, it turned out those initials stood for The Romance Mechanic. As coincidences go, that was pretty fucking spooky.

Welcome to the love life you always dreamed of! The front page blurb boasted The Romance Mechanic will redefine your dating world, transforming love from a frustrating mystery into a logical and easy to manage process. Please refer to our helpful user guide for a detailed explanation of how The Romance Mechanic works and, before long, you will have the partner (or partners!) of your dreams!

That sounded highly dubious, to say the least. However, considering the current state of their love life, it also seemed worthy of further investigation. They opened up the user guide to see what it had to say.

Dear User

Congratulations! You are now a valued client of the Romance Mechanic, a revolutionary new system that will put you firmly in the driving seat of your dating and sex life.

The Romance Mechanic app cannot be downloaded anywhere. You have been exclusively selected to receive its unparalleled love facilitating services at no cost - congratulations! Before you dive in, there are a few simple but important rules - or mechanics, if you will - that you'll want to familiarise yourself with to achieve optimum results while using the app.

The Romance Mechanic functions by allowing you to create and build romantic connections within your every day life in a way that is logical, structured and reliable. When you speak to someone with romantic potential, the app will automatically add them to your Love List as a 'connection'. You don't have to fill out any compatibility tests or waste your valuable time adjusting settings to fit your preferences. The app's unique technology will be able to sense when you are physically attracted to someone, and will place them on your list when you interact with them for the first time after installation. The only people not classified as bachelors/bachelorettes, and therefore ineligible to be romanced, are individuals who are either married or under eighteen years of age. Beyond those exceptions, the Romance Mechanic will function perfectly on anyone you are attracted to, regardless of their relationship status or sexual orientation.

Once a connection is added to your Love List, five empty hearts will appear below their name. Filling these hearts is the key to unlocking your romantic potential with your connections. A basic guide to how the heart system works is as follows:

One Heart - Your connection will agree to go on dates with you whenever they are asked. Please note, you must initiate the date. This is for your own scheduling convenience when dating multiple connections at once.

Two Hearts - Your connection will make out with you whenever you desire.

Three Hearts - Your connection will willingly strip naked for you and provide oral sex and hand relief.

Four Hearts - Your connection will enthusiastically engage in full sexual intercourse with you whenever it is initiated.

Five Hearts - Your connection will become exclusively devoted to you as your sexual partner, immediately ending any other relationship they are in. They will gladly comply with any relationship conditions you set for them, and willingly fulfil any sexual request you make, whenever they are asked. Please note that even sexual requests that are considered impossible or fantastical can be performed by a five heart connection - love is magical, after all!

You are no doubt now wondering how to fill those hearts up as quickly as possible! Well, put simply, you do this by raising your connections affection for you. Some of the best ways to achieve this are listed below, and the great news is they will work equally effectively on any connection!

- Speaking to a connection will gradually raise their affection.

- Gifts will raise affection at a quicker rate. As long as a connection likes their gift, their affection will be raised, and the same gift can be given to them multiple times without diminishing returns. Gifts do not have to be expensive - if the connection likes apples, they will work just as effectively as jewellery.

- Compliments will raise affection - however, this will see diminishing returns if the same compliment is used more than once within a short space of time.

- Completing a task or request for a connection, however minor, will raise their affection.

- Effective dialogue choices can raise affection, and the app will log where your words have had a positive (or negative) effect, to help inform future conversations. Pro Tip - if in doubt, try agreeing with everything your connection says.

Occasionally, special Romance Mechanic curated events will be scheduled for which you may select just one connection to attend as your partner. These can potentially unlock an elusive sixth heart if navigated successfully, and will have no negative impact on the affection level of those connections not chosen. We will leave you to discover what a sixth filled heart can do, but promise you won't be disappointed ;)

Please note that hearts will fill increasingly slowly in ascending order - that is a normal part of the process aimed at encouraging sustained effort, so don't be concerned if your progress with a connection seems to decelerate. It is also worth noting that hearts can decay - either through neglect or poor dialogue choices. However, hearts fill much quicker than they empty and, once all five hearts are complete, that affection is locked in permanently for that connection!

Because we know how important it is for you to fully explore all of your romantic options, it is fine to romance multiple connections at once. Until an engagement ring has been offered and accepted by a preferred candidate, none of your connections will object and there will be no deductions to their affection levels. You can even take multiple connections on the same date - or into the same bedroom - at once!

For your convenience, all of your connections whereabouts will be tracked and mapped at all times, so you can easily find that special someone whenever you desire them!

The Romance Mechanic app will only uninstall when you have chosen your true love. Until then, it will be with you for every step of your romantic journey.

Good luck - not that you'll need it!

RM Team

Well, that all sounded completely bat shit crazy. But there was something intriguing about the fact the app had appeared on their phone right after they had made their idle wish to the universe for pretty much exactly what it was claiming to offer.

Was there any chance it could be real?