The Exhibitionist Curse

It's been a while since I last wrote in a diary. But recently the things happening to me have been so strange that I really need somewhere to just vent. Let it all out, sort my thoughts, you know. It's not like I can tell anybody about this.

I'm not really sure what's happening. I've never been an exhibitionist my whole life. Maybe that's why - repressed urges? Something about pushing desires into the subconscious? I've read about things like that. But it doesn't make sense - it's not like I'm a celibate or anything. I masturbate. I have sexual desires - I'm a virgin, though - and I don't think I've ever repressed them? It doesn't make any sense.

It started yesterday. I did my usual morning routine - have breakfast, wash up, before going to college. It's Introduction to Psychology, the Monday 10am class, so after I showered I still had like, 20 minutes before I had to start driving, because sometimes there was still traffic. So as I just came out of the shower and stood in front of my wardrobe, I just had this strange thought: maybe I shouldn't wear underwear today. I've never thought about anything like this before. I've never even worn anything that showed a lot of skin - everything the girls that went clubbing usually wore was already off-limits for me. So why did I think this? I don't know. So of course I went against it, just forgot about it. and wore my panties like I usually did. A bra too, and jeans and a sweater. But the moment I wore the panties I felt something was wrong. I don't know how to describe it. Like, anxiety? Like an overwhelming dread that you have done something wrong but can't figure out what.

I made my way downstairs, said goodbye to my mom (she's a stay at home mom) and got in the car. I was rushing already, because I spent too long in front of the wardrobe contemplating why I had the strange feeling. I started the car quick, it was bright and sunny, but the feeling was building heavier and heavier. I had never felt like that before. The bra and panties just felt like they really, really shouldn't be there, and they didn't like, actually sting or anything, but, I don't know. And the feeling, oh my god. Like a panic attack without the panic. I was gripping the steering wheel so hard, I remember. Luckily I hadn't gone far, I was just two blocks down, and I turned around, and literally dashed into my room. Forgot something, I told mom.

I slammed the door behind me and tore my clothes off so I could get the panties and bra off. I remember then looking at the mirror and thinking, am I a slut? Or at least, sluttier than I think I was? Then why am I doing this? Anyway, no time to think. I was already late. I looked normal - the sweater was thick and I have small boobs. So yeah, I just went with it.

It wasn't so bad. It felt quite free, actually. I went about the day as usual, and even managed to forget about it. So that was that.

Then today, I feel the same thing when picking up my panties again. That's what's making me kind of worried. I mean, that means it's not just a one-time thing. I'm wearing pants and a hoodie over my top because the top's a bit too thin. My pants are pretty baggy and I feel kind of naked under there, not gonna lie. I've got to head to class now.