The Body-Jack Pro

Never in my life have I been in such anticipation of receiving an Amazon package delivery. The USPS driver parked curbside in front of my lawn as I bolted toward him. He probably thought I was crazy; it wasn't even as if it was Black Friday or Christmas or anything: it was literally in the middle of August. He double-checked that the package in his hand was indeed for this house address and not because some strange man rushing out of the house and meeting him 95% of the way to his USPS truck said so. He asked me for my signature and I zipped my name as fast and as sloppily as I possibly could, taking the medium-sized package inside and immediately heading towards my bedroom.

I took a box cutter and pried open the cardboard box as quickly yet carefully as I could. Behind all the bubble wrap and packing peanuts was a sparkling, amethyst package with gold outlines and strange alien-like calligraphy. I couldn't begin to try to understand what it meant, but after just attempting to pick up the package the entire sparkly purple box began to glow white as my eyes rolled back into my head, shuddering at the sheer power of the contents of what I was now holding.

The Body-Jack Pro

The Absolute Last Toy You’ll Ever Need (Now With All Body-Jack Features Automatically Unlocked Upon First Use)

Omni-Sens, Inc., Third Spiral, Galaxy 8

I found their website after one of my online friends, Gecko Rose, couldn't recommend the Body-Jack 9000 enough. I usually try to limit unnecessary purchases, especially through Amazon, whenever I can, and I also don't usually buy something just because one person I only sort of knew from online recommended it to me, but all of the surreal experiences the went through were beyond my wildest imagination. These things could only happen if the product worked, and so I went ahead and splurged possibly a bit more than I probably should have to get all of the advertised features unlocked so I could make my judgment call on if it was a good purchase or not. I mean, Amazon has a 30-day return policy so I had plenty of time to make that call.

I lifted off the lid of the package to discover this purple cylinder belayed in the sparkling alien box. I went to pick it up when once again I shuddered and got this sudden rush of adrenaline as a voice not of my own began directly speaking to me as clear as day as if from across the room but no one was there:

"Thank you for choosing the Body-Jack Pro. I am your interface; please call me BJ. My programming used to be either voice- or remote-activated. Now, all parts of the Body-Jack Pro are controlled merely by your thoughts and desires. HUMAN SPECIES detected; setting initial configuration. All features of the Body-Jack Pro are immediately usable: whenever you are ready, concentrate on what action you'd like us to do first.