Thanos' Infinity Orgy

When Gamora and Nebula turned twenty-one, their father threw them a sex party.

Scantily-clad men, women, and several genders they hadn't heard of hung around their home, drinking champagne and sitting in the hot tub.

Thanos was presiding over the whole thing. Wearing nothing but his helmet.

“Breed,” he said, drawing out the word like a creaking door hinge.

And Gamora and Nebula got at least twenty new mental scars that night.

***

On the old world of Titan, people were more prudish than a Victorian-era panda. Sex was loud, messy and people made weird faces during it. Best to avoid it as much as possible and leave the babymaking to cold, sterile cloning vats.

One young man, with broad shoulders and a wrinkly chin, thought differently. He was tired of bottling up his feelings and wanted everyone to embrace what their bodies could do. But he saw no one who shared his vision and he wanted to keep his mother proud, so he said nothing.

Then Titan fell. And its people had gone without sex for so long, they couldn't remember which holes the penis goes in.

They passed on soon afterwards. All but Thanos, who knew what needed to be done.

He spent a lifetime spreading the gospel of free love and the pleasures of the flesh. He conquered worlds and any people who showed even a hint of chastity, for their own good of course. But this would never be enough. He would need to do something drastic. Something so grand in its scope that no one could ignore their desires ever again.

His solution, like it usually was, was an orgy. An orgy so large and so massive that it would quintuple the population of the universe. But the mechanics eluded him, and he would need something special. Something that could make people embrace the feelings inside them and use their bodies the way they yearned to be used.

He learned of the Stones. He forged the Gauntlet. He set out to collect them.

Heroes rose against him. His own children turned against him. Because Thanos was a jackass no matter the circumstances, and a sex-positive dad who wants to orgy the entire universe is about the third most embarrassing thing a dad can be.

He had fought his way from the celestial skull of Knowhere to the wind-swept grasslands of Wakanda. He had survived the harshest all worlds had to offer.

All for the singular moment when he could snap his fingers.

He snapped his fingers.

They'd thank him when this was over. Well, he was pretty sure they'd thank him. It can be hard to be mad at someone in that much afterglow.