One More Time

If I don't keep my hands busy I'm gonna be gone faster then I can think about it. Hopefully this will calm my nerves.
This is something that has been on my mind for a long time. Depression is...well it hurts more then I have let on.
I am being kept here by the selfish need to keep people happy and the fact that hurts in more then one way.

[I]~Jesus Christ.

When will this be over? Am I going to have to sit here and hurt for the rest of my life? Failure, after failure, moving from person to person, never seeming to be able to keep the people I care for?

I suppose so.

What can I say that can take away all of the wrongs I have made? Would someone explain them to me? Maybe then this little misunderstanding can be done and over with. I am getting tired. So tired in fact I've contemplating ending it all here. But no...no I can't do it here. There are too many people it would hurt so I have to stay until it's my time to go. I only want to kill myself, not end other peoples lives.

Diary maybe you can't give me the answers but I wish someone could. I have never had a time in my life where I haven't had a good memory...But that's all it ever is; a memory.

Nothing solid or right in front of me. I can remember times I had laughed and what not. Tried to be a good and faithful best friend. Tried to find a way to make things better. Maybe I just try too hard I mean, lord knows I try. But all I have are my memories. No one stays with me long, in fact, I've never been able to keep a friend for more then four years. I know that seems like a short time considering I'm not very old but I already feel the weight of this self loathing. I don't want it any more.

Sorry Diary I have to cut it short. Someone’s knocking on my door. I have to divert attention to something, anything...As long as its not the sword in my room, the pills on my dresser, the knives in my drawers.

See you later Dairy~[/I]

Dorinda shut down her computer with a sigh to answer the knocking door. But when she opened it no one was there. It must have been someone next door. They always seem to have visitors this early in the morning. She never questioned why. It was none of her business anyway.

Speaking of business... Dorinda glanced at the clock. 3:30 am...she had to be to work in an hour if she wanted to keep her schedule. Did she really have to? Yes, she promised she would. It would only take her 20 minutes to get to the site and set up her office again. No big deal.

Nodding silently to herself, she shut the door and got ready for the day. Jaden would be expecting her at 10 am for a breakfast meeting. She promised him she would go see him and check up on his son, Geoff.

Brushing her hair back she tried to smile into the mirror. To make herself feel and seem better, get her mind off it and grin the cares away… But it broke before it could really form on her face. Too many mornings were like this.

Tentatively she reached down to the bulge over her stomach. “Good Morning Jason, Jaden.” She murmured to it before fixing her green t-shirt and plaid button up, leaving it open and tied around her midsection. Sighing did little good these days but she did it anyway. She knew it wasn’t long before she cracked, maybe even today, with the thoughts she had been having.

There was no skirting around the issue here. Dorinda was depressed. For a 5 foot 3, black woman, 21 years old and soon to be mother of two she didn’t act like it. Like most people she tried to hide her depression. Not that she needed to or anything. Since birth she had been passed on from one person to another. Only kept around long as they got something in return. That’s how she ended up where she was. Thank god. Had she spent anymore time alone she would be dead or worse.

Yes there were things worse then . Its just she never talked about them or thought of them till she ended up on the street at 15. She spent a year homeless. Hair matted, eyes both infected, poor education, it was nothing new. Prostitution however that seemed like a good idea at the time. It hadn’t worked. Nothing had. Her first night out she got picked up by an older gentleman. He had a nice car, wore a nice suit, spoke well and he didn’t ask her much and gave her money.

Then he told her to get in the car.

Part 2

Obviously she did follow him into his car.

What happened next was almost straight out of a fairy tale. She was given full run of the house, he paid for her schooling, bought her new clothes and shoes, got her back to healthy and gave her a home to live in. She even made her the caretaker of his son who was actually four years older then her. Well she was more like the nanny for the boy although sometimes she wondered who was watching whom. She would catch him staring at her sometimes. Mostly with contempt or distain.

He didn’t like her very much. That was fine. Dorinda was used to things like this as it was.

Dorinda glanced up at the nearly finished office building. The glass windows were just being put in now and it would be done within the week. The height of the building made her grin. It wasn’t much of a sky scraper as it was about maybe ten stories high but it was beautiful.

Being the contractor for a construction firm did have its perks, she even able to work with the others. Well she did until she got pregnant. She shook her head. That had been a mistake but she was happy with it all the same. Her two children were keeping her sane.

No one would be in for another four hours but she just wanted to walk through the hallways. After the windows they would tile and clean the floors of the buildings though for right now they were just concrete. She like the sight of concrete. She was very much a city girl for sure. Even in a place like this she felt more grounded then she had when she lived at home.

Dorinda explored every floor actually. It was boring work sometimes but she did have to make sure they did their job correctly. Not that she needed to do this, walking the building.

Hours ticked by quickly as she stared off onto the ocean. The sun was rising to her left through the open building. There was something perfect about being this high at sun rise. It made her think that things would be alright sometimes. Dorinda is an adrenaline junky. Over the years she has parasailed, cliff dived, Hang glided, subedited, anything that got her heart pumping. Though if you were to ask her she’d say that having these kids will be more worrisome then anything dangerous she has ever done.

Sighing, she took the lift to the ground floor and headed towards her office. It was around 6:30 she supposed. Just enough time to spread out everything she put away in time for the early risers.

No sooner did she think that did a black truck pulled up out side of the safety fence. A tall man with broad shoulders, a fair build, lightly tanned skin and platinum blonde hair down past his ear, stepped out of the front seat. He greeted her with a wide smile and a wave.

“Miss. Dorinda.” He called opening the gate to walk towards her. At six-four and two-hundred and ninety pounds, Brice was a hunk of a man. He enjoyed his job very much and was the more friendly out of the men to accepted her right away into their little family. “Shouldn’t you be sleeping the day away. Keep this up and those babies will be popping out before you know it.” The man leaned down to give her a hug.

Another thing about Brice was that he loved to touch people. Sometimes he reminded her of a cat, that need to be petted at least once a day if it did not demand it. He tends to forget people have their personal space or aren’t comfortable with close contact. Dorinda just shook her head and hugged him careful of her stomach.