My Genie Friend and Me

I came home, dropped my things, and gasped.

"WHO ARE YOU?"

Withdrawing himself from behind the open fridge door was a stranger I could only liken to some B-movie cosplayer. And boy was his workout regimen something, because that was an eight-pack I think.

And shit, my toe hurt.

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Sighing, I set down my drink. "Okay. But what if -- "

"No, the dog anus will be fine. It's just about how the spaghetti rolls into the G-spot. Also, do you count to 17 and think in fractional algorithms when you masturbate?"

Silently I stared at the ripped man before me, a little zoned out. Gawd this was still impossible. No, fictional. What kind of cliched hogwash was I starring in right now?

"Never, haven't you." He tossed an apple core. It landed in the trash bin, despite it heading for the family portrait. "Never mind then. You wouldn't understand."

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What, 10? 15 minutes? It felt like the whole damn afternoon but apparently I'd only been conversing with this guy for a lunch break. And I wasn't even hungry anymore.

"Lemme get this straight." The chair creaked. "I have infinite wishes."

"Correct," Genie grabbed another apple.

"I could wish for anything."

"Crhvfghkt."

But only when he was outside of his bottle. And depending on his mood, or how hard I rubbed it, (which he equated to being a nagging little brother, but bettered the odds), he could be out in varying times of day. Sometimes, days -- or weeks! Luckily, he was also invisible to others by default. Only I can directly interact with him and thus make the wishes. But if he or I wanted to, he could also, quote, re-integrate himself into society with little effort. He explained he could do so that very instant, but valued his wall-passing abilities a little too much.

I leaned back to process it all. "Cool," finally slobbered out of me.

He ate as I thought in silence. I sat back up.

"Still, you're the one who decides how to fulfill the wishes in the end." Eyes narrowed, I watched as he mowed through the once apple, and eyed the wobbling bin by the hall. Taking all my damn apples. Pillaging my refrigerator. Trashing my living room. If he wasn't a genie, I swear.

"Isn't that right?"

Toss. He wiped his hands deliberately before sliding a palm against my couch arm. "Right. But I assure you. I'm not an asshole like my brother Handel. Not unless I've missed my regular sulfuric intake, anyway. Should just stay away in those cases." He must have noticed the skepticisim in my eyes. "Don't worry. If you want to back out, you can! I'm simply here to give you extra options."

"Extra options?"

"Extra options."

"Extra options." I huffed.