Mucking Around

When I was in high school, I lived in BFE Texas and didn’t have much in the way of entertainment. One night, after having a few drinks, a friend and I decided to go to his neighbor’s ranch and have some fun. Obviously, as drunk high schoolers, we weren’t logically thinking, so we were doing the dumbest stuff, like trying to spook the cows and my friend even used spray paint on the barn.

We had our fill of fun, and then we went home, with no one the wiser. Or so we thought. Turns out, that neighbor had a security system that we didn’t notice, and we were caught red-handed.

I woke up the next morning to my dad demanding to know what happened after he got a call from the neighbor, especially since the guy wanted to call the cops on both of us for trespassing (and this guy was very crotchety so I know he would have) and have us arrested. But he told my dad that he would hold off on doing that if he could punish us instead, to which my dad agreed for me. I figured we’d probably have to fix fences and move hay bales, which SUCKED, especially on a Saturday. What I didn’t know was that it was going to actually be SO much worse.

I got driven up to the farm later that morning, and my friend was there too. We got lectured by our parents and by the neighbor, and then the neighbor told us that instead of manual labor, he wanted to give us a consequence he knew would stick with us for a while. He told us that he was going to give us a cowboy spa treatment. My friend and I were confused as hell, and at that point I was definitely really nervous. He went on to explain that we would have a cow poo pedicure and facial, and at that point, I was about to run to my dad’s truck to get away, but I knew he could sense I wanted to get out of there so he kept me still.

My friend and I got led out to the pasture, and after kicking off our socks and shoes, I was right in front of a big, steaming cow pie, and let me tell you, that thing smelled. Without much fanfare, I stepped in the pie, and it was the worst texture I had ever felt. The poo started oozing everywhere on to my feet, and it was incredibly slimy. Absolutely nasty. My friend was already gagging, and I wasn’t much further behind.

After that, we had to go to the barn where there were two folding chairs and a big bucket. My friend and I got sat down and told to sit on our hands. The neighbor put on a pair of work gloves, grabbed a huge chunk of poop, and started smearing it on my friend’s face. My friend immediately started retching and nearly threw up. Once he started putting it on (and under) my friend’s nose, my friend raised his hand to protect his nose, and the neighbor smeared more of the shit on his hand to prevent any relief.

Then it was my turn, and I was TERRIFIED. I was praying that it wouldn’t be that bad and that I would never drink again if I could make it through without vomiting. The neighbor started smearing it on my forehead, and around my cheeks and chin and I was already overwhelmed by the stench. Then, he started rubbing a ton on my nose and on my upper lip too, and I was nearly in tears. It was incredibly stinky, and I was begging him to stop. I would have raised my hand to wipe it away, but I knew that was futile after seeing my friend.

After my face was fully coated, my friend and I were left to bake in the sun and ponder our actions, although it was hard with all of the flies buzzing around.

After about 30 minutes, we were allowed to clean up and wash everything off, but the stench stayed with me for a few days. As extra incentive to behave in the future, the farmer gave each of our dads some manure to take home to use if we got rowdy at home, and luckily it never did.