Mommyocracy

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You shift uncomfortably in your seat. The bulky adult diaper taped around your bottom crinkles under your flight suit. You hate wearing these things but they are an unavoidable part of the job. The spacecraft you are testing today is far too small to accommodate a toilet and you’re going to be strapped into this seat for a few hours.

“Everything looks good from here Captain Thompson.” The voice comes through your headset.

“Are you ready to engage the EFR drive?”

“All ready here.” You reply, checking the gauges one last time.

“Good luck Robert.” The voice says. “Engage drive in 10… 9.... 8…”

Preparing yourself mentally, you exhale and ready your thumb over the button.

“3… 2… 1… Engage.”

As soon as you press the button, you are thrown back in your seat. The readouts show your velocity steadily increasing. Soon you are travelling faster than any human has before. The experimental drive is a success. It is going to revolutionise space exploration and you have been an important part of it.

After an hour of constant acceleration you disengage the drive. At least you try to. A flashing red light indicates a malfunction and you’re pressed back even harder into your seat. As you feel yourself begin to black out from the G-forces, you use the last of your strength to engage the AI to get you back home.

You wake to an unpleasant smell. It takes a moment to figure out what it is but the wet squishy feeling under your bottom tells you that you’ve shit yourself. Trying to ignore that, you examine the main screen. You’ve been for hours but it seems like there’s good news. The drive has run out of its special fuel and the AI has managed to steer you back toward Earth. The data collected while you were out says that you were travelling at very close to the speed of light. The physicists had theorised that was possible but this test was never meant to go that fast.

“Mission control. This is Captain Robert Thompson reporting in.” You speak into your headset. There’s no response so you try again “Mission control please respond.”

Not only is mission control not responding but the space station you launched from has disappeared entirely. There are a few stations in orbit around the planet but none you recognise. Suddenly, you recall something from the technical briefing about time dilation. Time passes slower for someone travelling at close to the speed of light.

“Oh no.” You say as you ask the AI to calculate how much time would have passed on Earth while you were gone.

The answer comes back quickly. 3389.24 years. You just stare at the numbers until they are replaced by a flashing warning. It seems that your craft doesn’t have enough normal fuel to slow down to orbital speeds. You’ll need to eject before you overshoot the planet.

You get the AI to calculate a trajectory which will get you down to the planet safely and then hit the eject button. The cockpit separates from the rest of the craft. You watch as the test craft disappears into the black void. You enter the atmosphere as planned and the parachute deploys. It’s a rough landing but you get out alive.

Climbing out, you look around. There are tall trees in every direction but past the trees to the west you can make out a farmhouse. You do have enough emergency supplies in the scorched and dented remains of the cockpit to survive at least a week. What you don’t have is a shower and clean underwear.