Masochist me

Interviewer: Tell me a little bit about how it started.

Me: Well, it all started when I was young. Very young. I think I was like 3. I would get in trouble, and, remember, this was from a time when it was still acceptable, my parents would spank me.

Interviewer: I don't understand. Even I was spanked when I was young.

Me: Yes, but how did you respond?

Interviewer: Well, I cried, of course. Ever child cries when they are spanked.

I shook my head.

Me: I didn't.

Interviewer: Really?

He looked at me strangely.

Interviewer: What did you do?

I laughed.

Me: Well, I cried. I guess it is still natural. But, I enjoyed it. The first memory I have is getting spanked. Then, spanking myself. Sadly, it didn't really hurt. Not like it did when my dad spanked me.

Interviewer: That is...strange.

Me: Well, you wouldn't be here, interviewing me, if I was normal, now would you?

He shook his head no.

Interviewer: So, you, reacted...differently to being spanked.

Me: Not just to being spanked. It was, well, everything.

Interviewer: Like?

Me: For example, when I got thumped, I remember repeatedly thumping myself. When my mom smacked my mouth, I remember smacking my own mouth after, over and over again.

Interviewer: So, why do you think you did that? What caused you to want to do that?

Me: Caused it? I don't think anything caused it. It just seemed I was...different. I was wired to enjoy it, or something.

Interviewer: That can't be right. Humans avoid pain, it is part of who we are.

Me: I don't. Oh, I avoid things that would actually cause damage, or scar, or things like that. I don't disfigure myself, or self harm or anything. I just...enjoy pain and humiliation.

Me: Anyways, we should get back to what we were discussing. What made me the person sitting before you.

Interviewer: Yes, please.

Me: Anyways, so, I found myself sort of enjoying the pain. I guess I was a bit of a wild child. Oh, I loved my parents. But, they didn't seem to understand. They kept giving me what I wanted when I didn't do what they wanted me to. You know, same thoughts as most people have.

Interviewer: So, to you, they rewarded you, with a spanking, a smack, something like that, for the wrong behavior.

I nodded.

Me: Exactly. It was like you getting a candy. My parents were at their wits end. Eventually, as I got older, I started understanding how much I was hurting them, upsetting them. I guess I sort of turned inward. I stopped acting up to get rewarded, and instead started just...rewarding myself.

Interviewer: How so?

Me: Well, when I went to bed, I would take my belt, spank myself, over and over and over, until my butt was bright red, hot, felt aflame. I would go to sleep, enjoying the heat, the pain, raising from my butt.

Interviewer: Oh.

Me: My shrink calls it sexual masochism disorder. The classify it as class IV, or exclusive masochists. I cannot form typical romantic relationships and cannot achieve orgasm without pain or humiliation. But, I also do not go beyond a certain point, where I will be scarred or disfigured. Or even seriously injured. The only time I have had a broken bone was due to skiing, not due to my masochism.

Interviewer: Wait, you mean, when you were young, and doing this, it was for sexual gratification?

Me: No, obviously not. That did not come until I was older.

Interviewer: So, tell me about it.