Just Your Words

I came into consciousness on hard, hot ground, prostrated in a deep bow. The floor was made of some sort of deep obsidian - I'm no archaeologist - with red cracks that made it looked bloodstained. The most intense feeling I had was heat - just sweltering heat pelting every inch of my body, evoking sweat from every pore. I realized I was still in a bow, so I tilted my head up slightly to see him - the Devil himself.

He was just as in the illustrations I'd seen - deep red skin, huge horns, a flowing black cape, and sharp teeth to boot. He looked menacing, but I realized he was smiling. So was his right-hand-man, some lesser demon that stood by his side. Satan was sat upon an ebony throne, in some evil palace, spires adorning the throne room. I nearly passed out from fright. Had I died and gone to Hell?

The Devil spoke, his voice growling and gruff. "You are human?"

I stuttered out a "yes" and decided it was best to bow down again, just in case I could ass-kiss my way to some lesser circle of Hell.

The demon laughed shrilly. "Satan, are you sure that's the one? Looks like a real pussy to me."

"I am sure, Greed. Give it time. My gift will heal."

I peeked my head up. "Um. Gift? Am I... uh, going to Hell?"

The Devil laughed. "Oh, no. You belong nowhere down here - yet. No, in fact I have a gift to bestow upon you. You see - I've selected you as the most screwed-over person in the world. No sex in a long time, and hardly any of it is your fault, as far as I'm concerned." He raised a finger as I moved to respond. "Porn doesn't count. Greed here has run the simulations. Without divine - or, rather, Satanic - intervention, you're not getting laid for years to come."

I didn't have the heart to correct him. "Er - what's the gift?"

Satan laughed. "Your gift, my friend, is a power. With this power, no one - and I mean no one - will be able to resist a command from you. No exceptions, no extra clauses. Hell, even if you get to me, I cannot. It's all or nothing here, petty human - and I've chosen to bestow upon you it all. Please enjoy - oh, and if you will, don't tell God I did this - he can't stop you once you have the power, but he would certainly fire me."

I kneeled, bewildered. "So, I just tell someone to do something - and they do it?"

The Devil grinned. "Yes, indeed. And it's not a sex **** situation - believe me, none of the Sins or I are into that - besides Lust, but he's into everything. No, anyone you talk to won't even know you commanded them. They'll just rationalize the command into whatever would make the most sense to them. Use it well - I've adopted you as sort of my pet project, and I hope you do well. I'll be speaking with you again - for now, enjoy the beginning of your infinite power. Oh, and I like the pajamas." He smirked.

I looked down, seeing the silly penguin pajamas I bought at some Goodwill. That's how I knew it was a dream - and not a good one, either.