God's Sloppy Seconds

It was in a village in the geopolitically unstable Near East. The Romans had all but occupied the area for the better part of the century, installing four kings to succeed the client ruler Herod. This was in spite of the local Jews having only 150 years ago resisted western influence under the Maccabees, and several centuries having passed without a major prophet or other spiritual awakening.

None of that concerned Joseph the artisan, who made yokes for a living. It was monotonous work typical of pre-industrial society, and one of the ways he passed the time was looking at the fair maidens wandering in the village making their debuts. One day, however, he noticed a striking woman, immaculately conceived, fetching water from the well, and was so smitten by her that he rushed up from his yoke and left his shop unattended to run up to her.

"H-hi," he panted, out of breath, "I... I noticed you were fetching water, and I haven't seen you around. Are you from around here?"

"Yes, I just came of age and this is my first time fetching water by myself," the woman warmly smiled. "Mary," she introduced herself and held out her hand outstretched.

"Joseph," his hands were so dirty he durstn't touch hers, so he just held them behind his back to kiss it, "nice meeting you. See you around!"

"Bye, see you!" Mary gently waved as Joseph rushed back to his shop. Before he bothered to even get back to his yoke, he fell into prayer with his hands as he felt the heat in his loins.

"Oh God," he began, "that maiden Mary has been the fairest woman I have ever had my eyes fall upon. I beg and beseech, that I be betrothed to her and take her as my wife."

Just as he concluded his prayer and picked up his tools to get back to work, a vision appeared to him.

"Behold, I am the LORD thy God, the God of Abraham, and of Isaac, and of Jacob. I have received thy prayer, and shall give thee the maiden Mary."

"Yes! Thank yo-" Joseph almost jumped up in joy.

"But!" the vision continued, "I have my own plans for her. For, behold, she is of a holy soul, and a holy heart, and she is conceived without sin. Therefore have I decided to use her for my device.

For the iniquities of man have caused the necessity of sacrifice to be too great, and I have decided to descend unto the earth, and to be borne by a woman as pure as she. Therefore shall I conceive myself as a son within her, and open her womb. If thou shalt take her to wife, thou shalt care for her as thou carest for her that beareth thine own son, and thou shalt raise me as thy son, until that I shall minister unto the people of Israel.

Dost thou take these conditions?"

Joseph thought long and hard about what God was proposing.