Diary of a Mother

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Thursday, August 22, 2019

Hello, I'm keeping this journal because I feel like something's up. My name is Kandi, I have a younger son named Jacob, who's been acting funny lately. I've noticed that he keeps staring at me, I can't tell but I think he's been erect most times I've caught him.

Today he got a package in the mail he was very secretive about. He took it down in his room before he even opened it, then I heard him laughing downstairs. He sounded kind of evil, oh god that sounds terrible for a mother to say. My therapist has advised me that when I'm feeling anxious about something I should keep my thoughts written down, so this is me doing that. Ideally this will only go for an entry or two, then I can rip it up.

His dad, Ed is away on a business trip for the week. I'll be really happy when he comes home, is it a sign I'm a bad mother that being in the same house as my son has me a bit on edge?

Friday, August/23/2019

I finally found out what Jacob's new toy was. He brought it upstairs tonight, at first I thought it was a fleshlight. That would be a bit creepy to show me, given that I'm his mother, but thankfully I was wrong. It was some kind of light. It looked light a flashlight, he flashed it in my eyes and held it there for a few seconds. For some reason I couldn't look away. It really hurt my eyes and gave me a splitting headache. I'm not sure why he did that, but I made sure to tell him never to do it again, I lost my temper, which I feel bad about. He apologized to me, but didn't sound like he meant it at all.

Before he went downstairs, he asked me to wear something nice to dinner. I felt bad about losing my temper, so I told him I would to make him feel better. Writing this down now that it's all said and done, I'm not sure why what I'm wearing would make him feel any better. I'm his mother for God's sake. Anyway, I put on this navy blue dress that I bought and haven't had a reason to wear, I guess dinner with my son is a good reason.

He ate very slowly and kept staring at me. My head was still hurting so I may have been a bit harsh. I didn't ask him what he was looking at nicely. I just demanded "What?!" from him in a harsh tone. He told me I was being mean and that I should talk to him with more respect, which I agree. I should teach my son with much more respect, after all, he's growing into being a fine young man, even if he does have some quirks.

He asked me to cancel any plans I had tomorrow so we could have a mother-son day It's Saturday, we both have the day off. I think that's exactly what we need, I'll be less on edge and he'll get to spend a day with his mom. I had plans tomorrow to go out with some girls from work to go to the mall, but I sent them all a facebook message cancelling, so I'm free up. Hopefully tomorrow is a good day, but I'll still be happy when his father comes home.

Saturday, August/24/2019

Today was a good day. I'm much less on edge and feel like my relationship with Jacob really improved. I decided he was right with treating him with more respect. I cooked some pancakes for him before he woke up. Then I woke him up with a gentle shake and a "Time to wake up, sir." Not sure why I felt the need to add 'sir' but it seemed like the respectful thing to do.

I decided to dress up for breakfast too, did my make up all nice, chose a nice outfit I wanted to look my best for Jacob. He kept staring at me during breakfast. It was kind of weird, but, where I'm trying to be more respectful, I decided not to say anything. I just tried to ignore it while I ate. I did both of our dishes afterwards, I was being a good mother.

We then cuddled on the couch watching some lifetime movie, I forget the name. At some point during the movie, he went downstairs to his room and came back up with that damned light. He told me he wanted to try it again. I told him no, it gave me a splitting headache and made me feel sick last night.

Here's where I felt a little weird with him. He didn't take that for an answer. He told me, very forcefully, that I would let him try it on me. It scared me, so I told him sure. "Yes, sir." I believe were my exact words. He held it in my eyes for longer this time. It felt like an hour, even though I'm not even sure if it was a minute. It had the same results as last time; my head was throbbing, eyes felt like they were burning, and if it's anything like last night I'll be throwing up later.

I was mad at him for making me do that, I told him so. Again, he apologized but didn't sound like he was serious. I took a nap to try to get rid of my aching head after that. He offered to rub my feet while I tried to fall asleep. At least he was helpful there, it was an amazing foot rub. Before I fell asleep, I could swear I heard him say "Sleep." but I may have just been imagining it.

I woke up a few hours later, I must have been sleepwalking because I woke up in a whole different outfit than I was wearing. When I went to sleep I had a nice outfit on that I thought Jacob would like, Now I'm wearing a tanktop with spaghetti straps and some of my booty shorts. I dont even have a bra or panties on. I'm not sure what I did when I was sleepwalking but I've never done that before. There was also some wet stuff on the small of my back. I tried to smell and taste it but couldn't tell exactly what it was. It looked like semen, but it can't be that. There's no way that could have gotten on my back here.

Anyway, that's all that really happened today. Few more days til Ed gets home, but I'm slowly feeling better. May have stopped writing before he even gets back so I dont have to show him this silly journal. Jacob asked me if I'd sleep in his room with him, I normally would say no, but I kind of wanted to. At least I wanted to do what he asked me to, didn't feel like it would be right to say no to such a lovely boy. So I'm going to finish up this journal entry and go downstairs for the night.