Believe In Me Now?

I was lazing around in bed wondering about the next step in my life, thinking about whether to get up or have a quick wank to start the day, when suddenly there was a blinding light and old man dressed in white with a white beard coalesced in front of my TV.

“Wow those were powerful ‘shrooms.” I exclaimed in a bid to be amusing.

As I regained full focus, I offered “Gandalf the White?”

“Oh, you would go there!” the apparition replied.

“Well you sure look like him.”

“Think, don’t I look like someone else?”

“Not really. Gandalf’s as good as I’ve got.”

“But a bit fictional. Try again.”

“Nope!” as I shook my head.

“That’s to be expected from someone as useless as you. I couldn’t expect you to truly believe.”

“Are you …” I could not say the name.

“Yes, I’m God. Why do you doubt me? The evidence is all around you.”

“Science and stuff. There’s a lot of bad things going on in the world.”

“Man, and I mean that in every sense of the word, I just gave up trying. All those decades of creation and for what? An ungrateful world. I even dictated some books but everyone had to go and politicise them. Their gospel truth is not quite the gospel truth.”

My mind whirred. I mean if he was who said he was I could find out about anything. Wait a minute! I thought I am missing something.

“Why are you here?”

“Every year I run a lottery and enter all adult humans. You just got lucky.”

“Cool.”

“Of course I should really restrict it to my followers not cynics like you.”

“I could be convinced. It depends on what I won.”

“First of all, the T and C. The gifts I give are to make someone’s life better because it amuses me. If you take advantage to become rich or powerful then I can take everything away like that.” and he snapped his fingers.

“OK” I agreed cautiously.”But how will I know what too far is?”

“Just don’t your power so you become noticeable. Now, your love life’s not going so well is it? Oh don’t give me that look, I’m omniscient. I know everything.”

I opened my mouth.

“Yes I know you know what it means because … I … know … everything. For someone like you …how about this?”

The white beard told me that I could go up to any woman and they would agree to whatever I said. This would only effect one woman at a time but whatever request I made they would think was perfectly normal and would have no hang ups about it afterwards. I could only hold any woman under that spell for 24 hours and then she would be immune for the same length of time.

“Can I fuck them?”

“However you want. Believe in me, now?”

“God.” I said for the first time “Fucking A. Do you want me to go to church and shit?”

“You can go to church and PRAY if you feel like it.” chuckled God “But I’d just keep shitting in the toilet if I were you. Get up, you lazy son of a bitch and have fun …” and he started to fade away and with a deliberately spooky voice added “I’ll be watching.”

He dropped a note on the floor which read “And no animals or children or it will be you that will be getting fucked … for eternity.”