Batgirl Against Everyone

The old place never changes.

Bats chitter in the dark and every sound echoes for ages, although the dripping and pouring water does its best to drown all that out. The various platforms and walkways that span the cave are all lit with yellow, which Barbara has always found a little dramatic.

At least Bruce didn’t change the code on the guest entrance on her again. Barbara cuts her motorcycle’s engine and climbs off, removing her helmet to shake out her red hair. She dons her glasses and brushes drops of water off her jacket, looking around with interest. She hasn’t been to the cave since she started grad school, but she knew that this call was coming.

The elevator hums as it descends, and Barbara waits on the walkway, one hand on her hip as the doors open.

Alfred emerges, his expression giving nothing away. He stops and gazes down at her from the top of a short flight of steps. His tailcoat and pencil mustache are impeccable.

“Shall we sit, Ms. Gordon?”

“Let’s not,” Barbara replies with a sigh. “Is he dead?”

It’s been three months since anyone has seen Bruce or the Batman. Bruce has disappeared before, although usually not for this long.

“Master Bruce’s instructions were perfectly clear,” Alfred says, avoiding the question as he descends toward her.

“I don’t want to be hearing this,” Barbara replies in a singsong voice, leaning on the walkway’s railing and staring at the dark depths of the cave. It seemed bigger to her when she was younger.

“Master Bruce trusts you,” Alfred insists, nonplussed. He joins her in admiring the view. Barbara wrinkles her nose at the damp smell. Sometimes she misses this place, but not the smell.

“He trusts Dick too. Or he used to,” she says.

“Master Dick has made it clear that he can’t leave Bludhaven. Master Tim intends to come when he’s able, but even if he were here, it wouldn’t change the fact that Master Bruce chose you.” Alfred is being blunt; he must be feeling edgy.

Barbara scowls. “You know that I’m in school, right?”

“You’ll have to take a sabbatical. Ms. Gordon, ninety days is too long to leave this city unattended.”

“Oh, please, Alfred. You don’t even believe in all this,” she says, gesturing at the cave.

That doesn’t faze him. “You’ve seen what’s been happening. How many new faces there are in Gotham. Order must be restored,” he says gently.

“Order? Is that what we had?” Barbara asks with a snort.

“Of a sort.”

He’s right. New gangs, new troublemakers, and even a few new vigilantes have come out of the woodwork. Gotham abhors a vacuum. It’s good that Bruce decided to go MIA at a moment when at least a few of the usual suspects are safely in Arkham and Blackgate, but that just left more room for these new people to come nosing around. The city needs a bat back on the streets to remind this new crowd that they can’t just loot the place. Barbara knows that. She just doesn’t like it.

“Bruce mentioned that you’d been keeping company with Ms. Kane,” Alfred suggests hesitantly.

Barbara rolls her eyes and shakes her head. “Was he spying on me? Don’t answer that. It’s not what you think. She comes to my apartment sometimes when she’s drunk. Which is a lot. We aren’t friends, and she’s useless. Even when she was sober, she made Jason look like Superman. She’s not going to do us any good, Alfred. If I need help, it won’t be coming from her.”

“I defer to your expertise, Ms. Gordon. Master Bruce already made certain that your scholarship is through the Wayne Foundation due to scholastic merits. That gives Barbara Gordon cover for being here at the house and at the office. That will give you all the access to Mr. Fox that you should need.”

“I agreed to be a babysitter,” Barbara warns. “Not to be the new Bruce Wayne.”

“Master Bruce is eighteen inches taller than you are, Ms. Gordon. More with the cowl. I can assure you that you will never be mistaken for him. Come with me, if you please,” Alfred says, gliding away.

Barbara groans and hurries after him. It’s not just Bruce; pretty much everyone is taller and has longer legs than she does. Alfred leads her to the workbench on a lower level. Cages are full of Bruce’s equipment. A pair of steel doors leads to his wardrobe. Not far away, the glass cases containing all the old uniforms are lined up.

Barbara’s first one is there. It’s the only uniform on display that Alfred didn’t make.

Alfred flicks open the locks on a long, flat case. He lifts the lid. Barbara considers the uniform inside.

“Did you have this ready before he left this time? Or did you just make it?” she asks.

“Which would make you more comfortable?” Alfred asks.

Barbara rolls her eyes and holds it up to look. At least Alfred has some taste. He kept this one the same as Barbara’s own design: a gray suit with blue boots and gloves. The bat is simple and yellow.

She scowls. “Did you, uh, fix it?”

“Yes, Ms. Gordon. It’s specially reinforced.”

Barbara looks down at herself. The bulge between her legs isn’t very visible in the jeans that she wears, but in costume it’s another matter. Ivy had been the one to design the plant spores that caused Barbara to grow a penis, but it had been Harley’s idea. Barbara is shocked that Ivy enabled it; she might’ve been drunk.

The consequences have been serious. Barbara and over a thousand other Gotham women were affected by that attack. Bruce still hasn’t figured out a way to get rid of the penises without surgery, and Ivy’s demanding to be let out of Arkham before she’ll help.

The penis that Barbara grew isn’t especially large, but as Alfred points out, neither is Barbara, so it looks and seems huge. It is an embarrassing distraction, although Gotham’s sudden bounty of well-endowed women has been well-received by the public. It’s not much of a silver lining, but most women don’t seem to mind the change. Barbara still isn’t sure how to feel about it.

The penis wasn’t well-received by Dick, ironically. Barbara growing it conveniently coincided with his decision that they needed to take a break so that he could focus on fighting crime. Weirdly, Barbara doesn’t suspect that he has a problem with the penis. She suspects that he likes it so much that it makes him uncomfortable. Whatever the case, they haven’t spoken in almost six months. Fortunately, getting a doctorate keeps Barbara busy enough that being single isn’t much of a problem. The problem is the looks that she gets from women at the gym because there’s no hiding this thing in leggings.

“You almost seem happy to have me here,” Barbara notes as she examines the new costume. “Do you even want Bruce to come back?”

Of course he does. Barbara regrets even saying it, but Alfred replies evenly. “I suppose you look better in tights.”

Barbara laughs.

“Why are you so angry with him?” Alfred asks bluntly.

“He started a fight that he couldn’t finish,” Barbara says. “And then takes off? What’s not to like?”

“There was a time when you saw him as a father.”

“I have a father,” Barbara snaps, shutting the lid of the case. “He wants me to be normal and go to school. Bruce wants me here cleaning up his messes while he’s off with Talia or whoever it is now.”

“To be fair to Master Bruce, we can’t be certain that’s where he is if he’s even alive,” Alred replies, unflappable. “And I needn’t remind you how he tried to talk you out of it when you were so determined to be a part of this,” he adds, giving a sidelong look at Barbara’s old uniform.

Barbara does not need to be reminded. She did this to herself.

“Will you be needing to warm up, Ms. Gordon?”

Her teeth grind. “No, Alfred. I will not.”

“Very well,” he says, laying down the key to the car. “Don’t forget to open a case.”

“I know how to do the damn job, Alfred! Get out of here!”

“Of course you do. It’s why Master Bruce chose you.”

She resists the urge to punch him. Barbara takes a deep breath, watching him walk away.

“Alfred,” she says.

He pauses and looks back. “Yes, Ms. Gordon?”

“He gets a month,” she says tightly. “Then I’m changing all the locks.”

There’s a short hesitation. Alfred can see that she’s not kidding. Finally, he nods.

“As you wish,” he says.

BATGIRL AGAINST EVERYONE is an interactive story in the same format as SSS and FFF. Guide Barbara as she tries to fill in for Bruce. When a chapter ends in [ Open ] vote in the comments for which of the two options you think Barbara should go with. Votes will open up after a few chapters to start things off. There's also a new issue of the Futazine!