SEL Chapter 16

“I’ll, uh, give you your suit back?”

Helena stares. “Why the fuck would I want that fucking suit? So I can sit and reminisce about spray paint to the face? Or getting beaten half to **** in an unwinnable fight so that Bruce can tell me I failed? Get the fuck out of here.”

“Wait!” Stephanie grabs Helena’s arm as she tries to leave. Helena immediately responds by trying to put her in a hold. Stephanie blocks her and braces herself. Helena allows the impasse, glaring. “I wouldn’t be asking if it wasn’t work-related,” Stephanie says through gritted teeth.

Alfred’s looking over his shoulder, some concern on his face.

“Ms. Stephanie,” he warns. “You’re in some danger of a frightful beating that I will not be able to prevent.”

“You should listen to him,” Helena says darkly.

“Helena, please.”

Helena snorts, disgusted. “This is what we’re fielding now? What happened to Kate? She’d be pitiful whenever some dumb bitch dumped her, but at least she could handle herself.” She lets go.

“Kate’s in the police academy,” Stephanie says, blushing.

“And Barbara’s in a chair. Are you sure you want this?”

“I’m sure that I can’t do it alone.”

“What about her? The one who doesn’t talk?”

Stephanie shakes her head.

“What about Dick? Where’s Tim?”

“Tim’s not coming back without Bruce here. And Dick helps out, but he’s got his own thing.”

“He and Babs aren’t together? Shit, what am I saying?” Helena laughs. “Babs is on live TV telling Gotham about boning Poison Ivy. Of course, Dick isn’t here. Fucking idiots. Where do you fit into this, kid?”

“I’m still figuring that out. I couldn’t make it as Batgirl or as Robin.”

“Spoiler,” Helena says, making a face. “I guess it’s not a worse name than The Elongated Man.”

“The Elongated Man is well-regarded and in a happy marriage. We could learn from him,” Stephanie says.

Helena rolls her eyes.

Alfred clears his throat.

Right; they’re holding up the line.

“Let’s go.” Helena climbs out of the car, and a relieved Stephanie follows.

She’s relieved and alarmed. Helena’s a little bigger, a lot stronger, and vastly angrier. Stephanie assumed that because she’s trained under Bruce she’s a match for the rest of the girls around Gotham, but that doesn’t seem to be true. The list of people she’s confident that she can take in a fight is shrinking fast.

They don’t have the best seats in the house, but the rich half of the Iceberg Lounge is still nice. Stephanie and Helena share an elegant little table for two near the back. The stage for performers is suspended over an icy penguin habitat. Everything glitters under fabulous chandeliers. Everyone is looking their best, and a few of these socialites are probably hoping that some costumed troublemaker is going to rob the place and demand that they hand over their jewels. Or maybe the appetite for that has dimmed now that Batman isn’t around. The stage has a red curtain, and Zatanna appears from behind it as the lounge dims. She wears her usual tux-upper with fluttery tails and a tall top hat. Her fishnets and spikes used to annoy Stephanie. Now that she has a penis, she shifts uncomfortably under the table and squeezes her legs together, hoping that Helena won’t notice.

But Helena’s watching the stage and already on her second glass of wine.

“Hi, folks. Thanks for coming. Just bear with me,” Zatanna’s saying, not sounding very theatrical. There are several things on the stage: a big rolling box, a huge vase, and other magic show stuff. “No assistant tonight. Gotta figure out how to do the fire special effects myself.” She lets out a little shriek as a rope comes loose from overhead and swings past. “That’s supposed to happen,” she assures the audience, opening another box. “Here we go.” She pulls out a golden cigarette lighter and clicks it on; there’s a huge flash and a rush of orange flames. “Yikes!” she cries out. The flames vanish and she’s still there, only now she’s nude except for her top hat, which she sweeps off to beat out the flames. The cart tips over like something from a slapstick movie. There is laughter and sounds of concern from the audience as Zatanna scrambles around. A couple of guys stand up as though worried that she might need help. “I’m fine!” Zatanna wails as she trips over another rope and goes down, her backside pointed at the audience.

It's then that Stephanie realizes that although Zatanna is nude and cavorting around apparently at random, the view has thus far been PG-13. Stimulating, but… this is the magic. As Zatanna takes pratfall after pratfall in full Three Stooges style while totally naked, there is always a rope, object, hand, hat, or handkerchief in the way.

The rest of the audience picks up on it and starts to applaud. The applause grows and then there’s cheering. Somehow, Zatanna continues to escalate; fewer and fewer objects remain as they’re kicked, knocked, or smashed by her antics, yet no one even gets to glimpse so much as a nipple.

Finally, there’s nothing left, but a penguin leaps out of the water to go past Zatanna’s jiggling bosom as she lunges for the curtain and vanishes.

Helena puts on a look of disgust, not for Zatanna’s shameless attention-seeking, but for Stephanie, who is starry-eyed and clapping like a seal.

“She’s so good,” Stephanie gushes.

“Sure,” Helena mutters, waving her glass meaningfully at a waiter. “Talk, kid.”

“Oh. Right.” This is the perfect time for it; Zatanna will be dressed and out to do more magic any second. Stephanie leans over. “I’m getting my butt handed to me by Roxy Rocket. I can’t deal with her and this other BS and do patrols. We need somebody on the street.”

“And you thought you could just tag me in? I’m not like Bruce. This isn’t my life. I had to go after some people. And sometimes there are things that I can’t look the other way on. But we are not the same,” Helena says fiercely.

“What would it take for you to help me?”

“Will Alfred clean my apartment and cook for me for a year?”

“I can ask him. I mean, you can move into the house. Or the penthouse. We don’t care. Bruce wouldn’t care. Alfred won’t care.”

“Jesus. You’re a mess.”

“Why do you think I’m asking for help?”

Helena looks at Stephanie seriously. The look goes on for a long moment. If Stephanie didn’t know better, she would suspect that Helena is scheming or something.

“OK,” Helena says.

“What?”

“I said OK. I’ll help you.”

“OK, a second ago you were all pissy that I was even asking,” Stephanie says suspiciously.

“You want my help or not?”

“Yes!” Stephanie hurriedly puts her hand out.

Helena sighs. “Kid, you are gonna end up dead.” She shakes Stephanie’s hand.

“I get that a lot,” Stephanie chirps. “Oh! Yes!” She sits up and claps excitedly; Zatanna’s coming back out.

Oh, right. Zatanna. The person that they are here to see. That’ll have to wait until after the show, though.

Should Stephanie bring Helena on this errand?

Or deal with Zatanna alone?