SEL Chapter 17

“And no killing anybody,” Stephanie reminds Helena after the show.

“Cross my heart,” Helena says with a yawn. Stephanie watches her go, and she’s not sure if the anxiety she feels is something about Helena or about what she has to do. She doesn’t know Zatanna, after all. Everyone knows her by reputation, but while Stephanie has basically zero relationship with Helena, she has literally zero with this magician. Luckily, the rest of the show was more like a real magic show and less of a teasing comedy routine.

Well, it’s time. No more stalling. Stephanie sighs and gets her equipment out of her purse: a little heartbeat sensor to make sure no one takes her by surprise, a set of lockpicks, and a fake ID for the company that does logistics for Zatanna’s tours.

Getting to Zatanna’s private room backstage only takes the ID and a smile. The security up here isn’t like… Penguin’s goons or anything. It’s a real company that operates in Gotham. These guys guard Wayne Enterprises stuff sometimes.

Stephanie knocks politely on the door; she’s not Bruce—she doesn’t get off on surprising everyone with ninja antics.

“Come in,” Zatanna calls from inside.

“Gee. Thanks,” Stephanie says, opening the door and stepping through. The Iceberg Lounge really is lovely, and that extends to the spaces given to the main act. Shame about who owns it.

Zatanna’s in front of the vanity on a padded stool. Her hat is off and the jeweled ornaments are out of her hair. Some comfy leggings and a hoodie are draped over a nearby chair, and Stephanie smells makeup remover. Zatanna’s losing no time getting out of her show mode and into human being mode.

She glances curiously at Stephanie, frowns, and speaks.

“Dnib sniahc.” Zatanna sounds almost disinterested.

Glowing golden chains shoot from the floor and ceiling, seizing Stephanie’s hands and ankles and yanking her off the ground.

“Hey,” she says, indignant. “Why?”

“You think I can’t tell when someone doesn’t belong? Who are you?”

“I’m one of the good guys!”

Zatanna looks her up and down. “Only blonde idiot good guy chick I know wouldn’t take time out of her busy schedule of being cheated on to come to Gotham without calling first. And she doesn’t wear **** little pumps,” she adds, eyes flicking down at Stephanie’s shoes.

Hurt, Stephanie looks down. She thinks they’re cute.

“OK, rude,” she says.

“Seriously, who are you? You can tell me or I can make you.”

Right. Magic.

“OK. Jeez. My name is Stephanie Brown.”

Zatanna stares at her blankly.

“I’m a part of the…” Stephanie hesitates; the door is right behind her and there are guards out there. “I’m a part of the, uh…” She lowers her voice. “The pointy ear family.”

Zatanna looks skeptical.

“No, really. Uh, I had my own thing, then I was Robin. Then I was actually Batgirl,” Stephanie goes on.

“I’ve met Batgirl,” Zatanna says, giving her a pitying look. “She’s cool. She calls ahead first. And she doesn’t wear a pushup bra.”

“She doesn’t have to. We don’t all have lucky Irish genes!”

“Actually, um,” Zatanna pauses what she’s doing and turns to give Stephanie her full attention. “Did she ever mention me?”

“Huh? Who?”

“Batgirl?”

She means Babs? “No. Why would she?”

“No reason.” Zatanna turns back to the mirror. “So are you the weird goth S&M Batgirl?”

“No, that’s—I’m the purple one. I’m the one that’s friends with Supergirl.”

“If you’re friends with Supergirl, why are you bothering me?”

“Supergirl doesn’t do magic.”

“Call John.”

“Who?”

Zatanna puts her face pad aside and grabs the glass of whiskey beside her. She takes a gulp, shaking her head. “OK. What? What is the problem?”

“I’m dealing with people who are like doing magic and it’s a problem. And I was wondering if you could figure out what they were doing and maybe give me some pointers about like… winning?”

Zatanna finishes the glass.

“You’re new to this,” she says.

“Correction. I’m new to magic stuff. But I have several years of experience kicking people and jumping off rooftops. And I’m better at it than Batwoman. And yes, I know that she dealt with some creepy stuff too, but she’s busy.”

As Stephanie’s talking, Zatanna finishes with her makeup and gets to her feet. She’s not putting on a show now, but Stephanie’s voice falters as Zatanna sheds her costume and puts on her real clothes. Zatanna fluffs her hair and turns with a sigh only for her eyes to pop open.

Stephanie’s dress is Seed-friendly, but that’s for a penis at rest. Her boyshorts can keep it from popping out or something, but the bulge is obvious. Her face flashes red.

“Uh,” she says, embarrassed. “Don’t even! Like, you obviously get off on turning people on! Fishnets! Spikes! Horny floor show! What, you’re supposed to take your clothes off in front of me and I’m supposed to just be hella cool about it? I mean shit, even Bruce made out with Poison Ivy when she was doing her shit!” Stephanie rages.

Zatanna looks taken aback. She clears her throat and lifts a hand as though to acknowledge the validity of Stephanie’s words.

“OK. Fair. Maybe. And you know Bruce, so I guess you aren’t lying. Uh… jeez.” Zatanna runs a hand through her hair. She’s having some trouble keeping her eyes off the bulge. “The real Batgirl was Seeded up too.”

“I am the…” Stephanie remembers herself and keeps her voice low. She rattles her chains. “I am the real Batgirl. I’m legit.”

“Real Batgirl’s a redhead, and she’s a lot more…” Zatanna gestures vaguely. “Together than you are.”

“Oh my god. I’m gonna kill myself.”

“OK, let’s see.” Zatanna walks over and moves to the side, keeping a careful, polite distance from the bulge. “Oh. Well, that was easy. You’ve been around someone wearing knockoff Aegis Bracelets. Is that what’s going on? Did they, uh, wallop you?” Zatanna punches the air.

“Uh, yes. Actually. What would that be, exactly?” Stephanie asks eagerly.

“Terrible magicians reverse-engineering divinely imbued objects,” Zatanna says with an eye roll. “It’s a big problem. I was wondering if the Justice League was going to maybe do something about it.”

“Yeah, with, uh, Batman not around, they are definitely not quite as focused on stuff going on around like Earth.”

Zatanna sighs deeply.

“OK, so you’re saying that maybe my bad guys here in Gotham scored some magical weapons? That’s what’s happening?”

“Yeah.” Zatanna snorts. “And I bet I know where she got them. Talia Al Ghul’s been moving this stuff. I didn’t know it was coming to Gotham.”

That would make some sense.

“Talia is mad at us,” Stephanie notes.

Zatanna scowls. “I’m mad at her. We don’t need to be making this stuff, and we sure as hell don’t need to be selling it to criminals. I guess Bruce isn’t around to stop her. Not that he was ever great at stopping her,” she adds, a slightly melancholy look on her face. Then her face hardens. “OK, Batgirl. Want to take her down?”

Stephanie blinks. “Talia?”

“Yeah. Well, no. I don’t want to commit to anything tiring. But we can at least teach her a lesson real quick tonight.”

“Tonight? Isn’t she halfway across the world?”

Zatanna shrugs. “She’s somewhere.”

“Actually, I really just wanted your help with my thing. Can we do both?”

“Sweetheart, I have a tour to get on with,” Zatanna states flatly.

Should Stephanie help Zatanna teach Talia a lesson?

Or get Zatanna’s help against Roxy?