A Magical Board Game

You pull a box out from behind your back and show it to Monica and Phoebe. "Sluts and Ladders," Monica reads off the box, and then looks at you. "Is this some kind of joke?"

"No, it's some kind of board game," you say. The name was the best you could come up with quickly, and it doesn't really matter anyway.

Phoebe excitedly says, "Oh, I love board games! Let's play this one." She takes the box from you and unfolds the board on the table. "Huh, this doesn't look like Chutes and Ladders at all," she points out. The board itself more resembles Candy Land, with a long, curving path of squares in four different colors. There's also a spinner on the board, and four stacks of cards to match the colors of the squares.

"These must be the pieces," says Phoebe, opening a wooden box. She looks a little dismayed when she sees the contents: a bunch of small lumps of metal. "Well, that's just crazy. They all look the same." She picks one up and asks, "How do we know who's who?" Just then a quick flash of light comes from the piece of metal in her hand, and she says, "Oh, my gosh!" It's suddenly a little pewter figurine, about an inch and a half tall, that looks just like her in her slutty Supergirl outfit.

And then the other lumps of metal fly out of the box in all directions. You duck, but there's apparently no danger -- they bob and weave to avoid hitting you and the other party guests anywhere but in the hand, where everyone is somehow compelled to clutch them, and find themselves holding a tiny representation of themselves. You look down at what's in your hand -- it looks like an expert craftsman's replica of Joey Tribbiani, wearing shorts, shirt and a lifeguard whistle.

The girls have stopped dancing, and Gunther and Rachel have stopped kissing in the corner, as they all advance toward the game board and stand around the table as they put their pieces down on the square marked "start." As you do the same, you notice that everyone seems to have gotten a piece except for Chandler and Ross, who are still locked in their arm wrestling match.

"Do we spin to see who goes first?" asks Phoebe.

Monica suggests, "Pheebs, there's so many of us that you might as well just go first."

"Oh, okay," says Phoebe, who flicks the spinner. It comes to a stop, and she says, "Whoo-hoo! Eight!" She bounces her piece along to a red square and takes a red card. "Let's see -- 'You look pretty hot as the resident ditz/But a real super girl has some volleyball tits.'" She puts the card back on the bottom of the deck and says, "I don't get it," but then there's a white flash centered on her chest, and beneath her corset, her breasts start to expand.

"Whoa! Hello!" exclaims Phoebe, looking down as the spandex does what it was designed to do and expands. Within about 10 seconds, it looks as if she has a pair of volleyballs on her chest. The "S" emblem on her costume is being stretched way out of proportion.

There's a brief stunned silence in the room, but then comes an explosion of noise as most of the women start talking, and yelling, and screaming simultaneously. Above the din, the cute brunette dressed as a slutty cheerleader exclaims, "Fuck this shit," and heads for the door.

Just as she gets there, a brick wall springs up, completely blocking it. The din turns into gasps. Everyone turns around to see brick walls appearing out of nowhere to block the windows as well. Monica sprints through the doorway and then comes back to report, "All the bedroom windows, too!"

Now the noise of conversation is even louder. One of the guests is sobbing. Finally, Mona the slutty nurse raises her voice to yell, "People, people, people!" When things quiet down, she says, "Come on, I'm sure most of us have seen 'Jumanji,' or at least have heard of it. Things went back to normal once they finished playing that game. So let's play this quick, okay? Here, I'll even go next." Before anyone can say anything, she spins and moves her piece to a red square.

She takes a red card and reads it out loud: "Everyone knows short hair is for guys/Long flowing tresses are your first surprise." The whole top of her head flashes, and then somehow without disturbing her nurses' cap, her hair starts streaming downward, out of its short bob and into a wavy waterfall that cascades down her back. It lightens as it extends, and by the time it seems to have stopped growing, reaching almost to her knees, it's several shades of blonde lighter than Phoebe's hair. For her part, Phoebe can't resist stroking Mona's new hair and reporting, "Oh, wow, it feels like it's made of silk or something."

"There, see, it's not necessarily all bad," says Mona. "I've always kinda wondered what hair this long would feel like." After a pause she says, "It's heavy."

"Okay," says Phoebe. "Who goes next?"