Bad combo

“It's no problem, I'm done…” I shrug as a beefy man forms in front of me.

“Idiot!” Life seems to be recovering from her bout of reasonableness, unfortunately, “we just went over my son's problem,” I can hear her taking a breath, “she's irresistible to men, and will get stuck if she's pregnant!”

I roll my eyes and get between the two,”How bad can it….”

I blink as the guy moves faster than I do and, barehanded, he punches my chest, sending me flying.

“Diabolic contract, moron,” Life growls, “he always wins fights. And I have to keep your stupid ass alive.”

That's why I'm uninjured? “And the devil is paying for it?” I grin “time for bankruptcy court….”

I tackle the man as he goes for his… daughter? Son? Eh, whatever… he throws me across the room, and I repeat the procedure.

“I have to pay for it too, loser!” Life shouts in my head.

“You've been feasting, you can afford it,” I laugh as I go again. And again. And again.

“I get it…” my patron whispers in my head, “...my sister's reserves will be deeper, and as durable as you are she doesn't have to pay as much to keep you from harm as the devil does to boost the naked guy into something that can actually affect you.”

“Yep,” I confirm, laughing and going again, “what happens when the devil's contract stops being profitable?”

“Idiot!” Life begins, “He knows about the sunk costs fallacy, he won't go bankrupt he'll just default… on… the… one…” she trails off.

“And then there's one less condemned soul,” I laugh as I'm thrown across the room yet again, “Still think I'm an idiot?”

“...thank you…” she quietly whispers in my head.

I have Regeneration from a spell, and cannot be killed by simple damage. I have a tiny aura that shuts down both magic and technology… provided it's not mine. And I have a fattened deity filling in what few gaps exist in my defenses. My opponent is a naked human male under the thrall of a lycanthrop's curse, compelled to ****-breed the woman, his own son, to the exclusion of all else… but he's backed by a devil who has his own reserves. We're at it for hours, banging around in my ship. Until, at last…

I pin him down, and DON'T get thrown.

Thanks to a spell, I can see the change as the aura of evil on him vanishes. I laugh, and roll off him, letting him up… and he goes straight for his daughter, still under that compulsion. “Aren't you going to…” Life begins.

“Stop him? Nope,” I shake my head, shrugging, “your son is going to get in a family way sooner or later, better if it's with someone you can actually talk to.”

“My love, my prophet…” I hear Life groan… and the lover vanishes.

“Where'd dad go?” The ‘son’ frowns, “I mean, I was NOT looking forward to getting ****, but….”

“He is always exactly where he needs to be,” Life chuckles, “which is to say, where I want him. For a couple days that was in my realm with me… it's been a while since I had some relief,” Life's son cringes, while his mother continues talking, “now he's at one of my temples, getting geared up. I'm feeding him the various passcodes. He also needs to revoke Thaddius’ access, after all.”

I crinkle my nose, “How does that work? You're here, talking to us.”

“You are an idiot,” Life laughs, “Okay, so… how many babies are growing at any one time, do you think?”

I pause, “In a universe like this? I'd need to estomate the exponent using scientific notation.”

“She's there for every single one,” my patron answers softly, “as I am for every single ****. We're deities. You have our full, undivided attention… as does everyone and everything that falls under our portfolio. Oh, and Frank was worth a hefty amount of experience… when do you want to level up?”

That's an invite… and time doesn't pass for anyone else while I do… “now, please.”

The world fades, and I'm back in ****'s office. He seems… distracted. Understandable…

He paces as I work, “She tried to **** me. How are we going to deal with this?”

He's clearly talking to himself, so I just ask the immediate question, “How much experience was he?”

“Oh, he was twentieth level, so he pushes you to fifteenth,” the deity distractedly answers, waving at me, “we can't survive without her, even if we could somehow bind her…” figuring it's probably not my place to comment on Divine politics, I try to tune him out while I work.

I get the work done… another four levels of choices… and mostly manage to ignore ****, but can't help overhearing fragments of what the guy who's taking advantage of the non-time to talk himself through everything says, “...get Dad involved?” …huh, I have so many options that I'm running out of useful choices… “...asking Him to play referee seldom ends well for anyone, we're supposed to try and get along and when we can't it's not exclusively the aggressor's faullt…” …which I suppose means it barely matters what I pick, the permanent non-magical spells will carry a lot of weight… “...maybe we can arrange a trial with my siblings playing judge and jury? A farce, we can't DO anything….” The worst published monster here, the Rendalairn, needs a nat-20 to hit me, while I need a one to miss it; I beat the saves for it's specials on a 2 (and I don't roll 1's), while if I throw a Spheres effect at that requires a save at the thing's best attribute, it needs a natural twenty. So… I'm probably optimized enough. “...she'd need to accept a judgement and actively cooperate with it for it to matter…”

“He already knows what's going on though, right?” I interrupt, “Oh, and I'm done.”

“Yes, but Dad's a big fan of free will…” **** looks through my paperwork, “Fine, fine… heh, your power supports me, mine supports you… what did Dad plan?”

“No idea,” I shrug, “...but I'd hazard that you largely consider the problem solved at this point.”

“Mostly,” **** frowns, which ironically actually looks friendlier than his smile, “...but there's exactly nothing stopping my sister from doing it again to someone else. I'm fine, but the root problem remains.”

“She ultimately picks who gets to eat,” I consider, “and she's demonstrated she can't be trusted with that. Meanwhile, the rules prevent you from actually doing anything about it.”

“Right,” my sponsor answers.

I smile, “I may have a solution….”