, then Lunch

“Great. Dead again.”

The locale was different, but I knew the drill. The floor was darker, filled with shadows, but more grim than the starry sky shit I had experienced with Aqua and Eris, but that big fancy chair was all too familiar. On it didn’t sit anyone I recognised. A small child, with long green hair that went so far she was sitting on it, a sassy stance where she leant on one elbow, and a similar fancy outfit to all the other forest noggin characters I’ve met so far.

“You’ve befallen a terrible fate… wait, did you say, again?” The weirdo kid tilted her head, “To my knowledge this is our first meeting… in fact, you are not who I was expecting to meet at all.”

“You aren’t the first Goddess to welcome me with lukewarm arms, and you won’t be the last knowing my luck.” I sighed. She seemed to be shocked I could tell she was a deity, but for fuck’s sake she’s in a big fancy chair after I died, I can put two and two together at this point. “Are you here to send me back to life? I guess without Aqua around it may be more difficult but that Mach place has to have some resurrection magic, right?”

She blinked at me.

“Did you just say ‘Aqua’?”

“KAZUMAAAA!!!!!”

Before I knew it a familiar wail ran out from behind the chair to jump into my arms.

“Aqua?!”

Her snotty nose splashed against my clothes, her frantic hugs and crying would be almost sweet had it been from literally any other female.

“WAHHH! Kazuma! I’ve been stuck here AGES! There’s no booze! There’s no snacks! And Sothis won’t share her chair with me!”

“It is MY chair! How many times must we go over this?!”

So that’s Sothis, I guess. Well, at least I haven’t been having to deal with a new world with this one again. But it’s also a relief that she made it here too, even if it is to this place’s version of a holy realm. My initial thought was that it was either just me or everyone went to different worlds. Maybe Darkness and Megumin made it too? No idea as to where, but now I can keep an ear out for moaning knights and explosion crazy girls.

“Kazuma? Can we go home now?” Asked the blue haired annoyance in my arms, looking up at me with almost a cute look on her face.

With a sigh, I pushed her off me. “No idea. I’m dead, for one. And until we find out if Darkness and Megumin are around then we shouldn’t be leaving here right away, anyway.”

She looked rather disappointed, but that was the facts.

It definitely wasn’t because I wanted to experience a hentai world with a bunch of hot teachers and students around. No way.

“If you are responsible for this annoyance on my time then perhaps we are all tied together more than I thought,” Grumbled Sothis on her chair, “I had no idea the socially awkward and perverted NEET that steals panties she always went on about was real…”

“What the hell are you telling her about me?!” I yelled. Great, now the gods know I’m trash.

“I only told her that cause she asked!”

She wasn’t done though, “Is it true that you used to shuffle around in the hay every night, masturbating?”

“AQUA! I’LL KILL-!”

Before I could follow through with my threat, a floating girl’s face appeared in front of me breaking all rules of personal space.

“Interesting,” Sothis hummed, “It’s been many years since I’ve seen a male such as you. Perhaps there’s hope for this world yet…”

“See? I only told her because she gets all weird when it comes to hearing about you and your penis!”

“Hentai lines! Aqua she’s saying hentai lines! I knew it!” I sang out happily, quickly grabbing Sothis by the hands and looking at her deeply in those emerald eyes, “Please, you have to send me back. I promise I’ll fuck any female that moves if that’s what you need of me. I just need one more chance!”

She seemed shocked, and I worried for a second I’d totally gotten the wrong impression of the situation. But when that smile returned my heart skipped a beat from excitement.

“With a mix of my time and the blue haired pain’s healing magics, we should be able to get you back to just before your head rolled,” She explained.

A large magic circle appearing around my feet like it used to.

“I will also work to send Aqua down to that world too. Now that I know you are there to look after her and stop annoying me.” I guess that’s fair, even if Aqua pouted at the insinuation. She is still my responsibility at the end of the shitty day…

Light overcame me. Rushing wind and flowing blood returning to my senses.

“Be sure to follow through with your promises, boy!” Her voice carried over the light. “And remember to dodge this time!”

-

“Guh! Watch out!”

CLANG!

By the skin of my neck, the axe shot past me and slammed into the stony floor.

“My apologies about that, Satou Kazuma. An extra inch to the left and you could have di-eh?”

He was confused when instead of panicking, I rose with purpose and grabbed the big dude’s armour with immense strength.

There was a level of confusion and fear in his eyes as I glared right through him. Asking only one thing.

“Who should I fuck first?!”

Though it was his first thought upon returning from ****, Kazuma hadn’t the foggiest idea where to start.

It wasn’t like the women of the world were just going to throw themselves at him, even if this was a hentai world. He had zero experiencing woo-ing a woman. This school was just another place for him to stew in his horny juices. What a cruel irony.

Dammit! Why isn’t it as easy as it is in the doujins!? Every girl I try and ask on a date just thinks I’m a weirdo still! Sure, their reasoning is less ‘I don’t want to date you’ and for some reason ‘I don’t believe you want to date me’, but still! Rejection is rejection, dammit!

Oh well. At least the meals here are nice and free.

No toad on the menu in this world. Just nice ol cottage pie, cooked by some great chefs. Even if you have to get there quick before Raphael eats it all. Though he’s nice to eat food with.

“That was some quick moves on the battlefield there, Kazuma!” Raph beamed, munching down another chicken leg before I’d even taken my first bite, “Maybe you ARE a real adventurer!”

I frowned but knew Raph wasn’t one for being mean, “Yeah, thanks.”

“The steal spell was one I have not seen before,” Added Lorenz, an annoying hair flick he apparently needed to add every time he spoke, “Tell me, is it only used for procuring useless items from others? Or can it be a useful spell as well?”

“Well, it depends on your luck stat and-Useless?!” I baulked, grabbing Catherine’s panties from my pocket and waving them around at them, “Excuse you! I still have the panties of an adult lady, you call that useless!?”

All the men around me blinked.

Claude spoke up first, “Um, yes. Is there some use to underwear we’re not seeing?”

“Ew, were those touching her private parts?” Lorenz frowned, looking like he was going to be sick, “I believe I lost my appetite.”

“I’ll eat for you!” Raph laughed, “But, uh, I’m confused too. Are they her lucky panties or something?”

Ignatz groaned, “Raphael, please!”

“No! It’s for, ya know…” I looked around to make sure no one else was listening before leaning in, “...jerkin’ off with…” My expression was to make them all look foolish for not getting it quicker. But I was very surprised at what happened next.

“What’s ‘jerking off’?”

…

“I…” I had no idea how to answer that, “Like, masturbation?”

Claude seemed perplexed, “But only women can do that. Are you a…?”

“I thought he looked scrawny! To think Kazuma has been a girl this whole time!”

“Better be careful everyone. This lady has probably been trying for weeks to get us into bed. Tricking the whole school into believing you’re male, just to sleep with us?! Ugh, this is why I detest women.” Lorenz huffed.

I was beside myself. So this is a hentai universe where only women have libidos?! JACKPOT! But poor men. No wonder all the dirty novels in the library were for women, “So you guys never self-pleasure?”

“I read a good fantasy story, like everyone else,” said Ignatz, trying to keep his studies up, “But I have read of some men using their penises for, um, self-pleasure in very rare cases. I always thought it was some crest that you need for it… not women’s panties.”

My brain was overloading with excitement.

“Why? Why no men want sex?!” I yelled at Ignatz after slamming the table, who seemed scared by my eyes.

“I-it’s a biological thing!” He squeaked, “Back in caveman times men were hunters, women took care of the babies! It was a woman’s job to look attractive and be in a constant state of arousal for when a hunter wanted to have sex! That’s why! Don’t hurt me!”

There were no sex men.

No men. Only woman. Woman want sex, I can give sex. I want sex. Woman want sex. All women, sex, no man, give, me, sex. SEX!

“Must. Find. Woman!”

I left with a desire and purpose I’d never felt before. This world was too exciting to spend eating food with a bunch of limp dicked men!