A Fun Filled Adventure on the Train

Jake was sitting opposite Bash in their train carriage while pretending to be on the phone. It was the only way he could converse with his invisible companion without people fearing for his sanity, though even then he felt like anyone actually listening into his conversation might still question it.

"I'm telling you Jakey, you've made a very shrewd decision by embarking on this journey with your ol' buddy Bash. We're gonna have a ton of fun on today's adventure and, who knows, you might even learn something!"

"For the hundredth time Bash, in case you're somehow still in any doubt, I'm only doing this so you'll put my sister back to normal and not because I like you, enjoy hanging out with you, think you're remotely cool or am looking even slightly forward to this excursion you're forcing me to endure."

"Y'know, you really have grown up to be a whiny little cry baby bitch, Jakey. I mean, you kinda always were one, but at least you used to know how to have fun."

"And what's going to be remotely fun about tormenting some fucking Cambridge academic whose life we already attempted to ruin once when she was a child. Seriously, what has the poor woman ever done to either of us?"

"She's Little Jenny Jerkoff" Bash shrugged, as if that were all the explanation that was needed "She exists purely for our entertainment, and it's going to be even more amusing to mess with her now she's some snooty professor. Besides we aren't going to ruin her life. It will just be a few silly pranks, that's all. Plus, she's grown up to be a real hottie, did you check out her photo online?"

"I did. And yes, she's very attractive. But that doesn't somehow make fucking with her okay."

"Of course it does, dipshit. It makes it practically compulsory."

"And how is this even going to work? We're just going to stroll into a women's only Cambridge College and play a prank on one of the tutors in front of everyone are we?"

"Four simple words Jakey - Time Freeze and Mind-Zap. Wait, that's five words if you count the 'and'. Although, if 'Mind-Zap' is hyphenated is that one word? Or maybe Mindzap is all one word in the first place anyway. It's not like I've ever seen it written down, or it's been defined in the Oxford Dictionary. So I was probably right to say four all along. ya big dummy. IN YOUR FACE!"

"I never said you weren't right!" Jake fumed "And I don't give a shit of it was four or five fucking words. I can't believe I'd managed to forget over the years how fucking annoying you are literally all the time"

"Um, excuse me, sir"

A pretty but officious looking member of staff, maybe ten or fifteen years older than Jake, had approached him. She had something of the strict schoolteacher vibe about her and had announced herself in the kind of tone that suggested nothing good was going to follow her introduction.

"This carriage is a designated Quiet Zone. Can you kindly desist from using your phone, and especially from raising your voice and using foul language."

She pointed at a sign opposite him, as if to highlight his ignorance in not observing it.

"Yeah Jakey, can't you read?" Bash taunted "For once in your life, shut the fuck up."

"I know this is a quiet zone but it's not a complete silence zone!" an already on edge Jake retorted grumpily.

"Yes, but mobile phones can be particularly disturbing to our other customers"

"How? All I'm doing is talking. Plenty of other people are talking too, I'm just doing it into a phone instead of at another person"

"I'm going to have to ask you to stop arguing with me and to respect the rules, sir. You need to have some consideration for your fellow passengers"

"Yeah Jakey, don't be such a selfish asshole! You're single-handedly spoiling everyone else's journey!" Bash scolded his friend as he placed his feet up on the seat opposite him, in direct contravention of the rules of another nearby sign.

"Have any of my fellow passengers complained?"

"I'm having this conversation with you preemptively so they don't have to."

Damn, this woman was really making the most of the minuscule amount of power she had been given.

"This is ridiculous! So I have to sit here in silence until we get to Cambridge?! I can't even talk to my friend on the phone?"

"Aww! You called me your friend, Jakey. I knew we were still pals!"

"Please don't raise your voice at me, sir"

"What? I wasn't?! You're the one who's making a big drama out of nothing."

"Sir, if you are going to get abusive I'm going to have to call a guard to escort you off this service at the next stop."

"What? Is this some kind of joke?!"

"Are you going to put your phone away or not, sir?"

"Ooh, she's got you by the balls now Jakey!"

As Jake thrust his phone back into his jacket pocket with a gesture of exaggerated displeasure, the woman nodded smugly and walked away.

"What a bitch, huh?" Bash told him as she made her way down the carriage "Although, full disclosure, I'd still totally hit that. It would be hot to do her right here on the train and be real noisy about it. I'd kind of like having her ordering me about and calling me sir while I had my dick in that lovely milf pussy of hers. Whad'ya reckon, Jakey? I know you two didn't exactly hit it off but you'd still totally fuck her right? Hello? Earth to Jakey?"

Jake just glared at his 'friend'

"Oh, that's right, I forgot. You can't speak can you? 'cos either people will think you're mad or you'll get thrown off the train. Well, luckily for you I can still talk for both of us. I can even sing. Would you like that? I'll take your silence as a yes.." Bash cleared his throat theatrically before bursting into a familiar tune "Jake fought the law and the law won, Jake fought the law and the law won, Jake fought the law and the law won, Jake fought the law and the law won, Jake fought..."

Jake buried his hands as he was subjected to an infuriatingly repetitive butchering of a song he actually used to enjoy for the next several minutes. Until...

"Hey, Jakey, your girlfriend is coming our way"

He looked up to see his other train ride tormentor walking back down the aisle with a trolley full of overpriced snacks to sell. This wasn't going to be at all awkward....

"Hey Jakey, you know what? If you wanna be allowed to say things again, we could always play a funny li'l prank on her when she gets to us?"

Against his better judgement, Jake was actually considering the proposal.

"C'mon. It will be just like old times. Only way hotter! Whad'ya say?"

Jake paused and looked at his imaginary buddy for a moment or two. Then he nodded.