While happy was the last thing you felt right now, you were also more than aware that there wasn't really any logical reason for you to be so - especially as, after all she'd been through, she really did deserve to move on and share her life with someone. All you knew was that for some reason you felt betrayed, like you'd been punched repeatedly in the guy by the very woman you loved most in the world. Being a full time porn star and fucking men on camera for cash was one thing (heck, even the odd bit of lesbian sex with her friends was okay in your book), but actually dating and fucking some other dude - well that was just way over the line!
"But..but why him? Why a guy like that?" you eventually managed to blurt out after a few seconds, not being sure entirely how to respond.
"'A guy like that'? - Tim, you don't even know him! He's fun, sweet and the two of us get on great together. I don't really see what the big deal is."
That much was obvious, and seeing as you couldn't quite explain it, you were left grasping for words while your mother continued, explaining a little more compassionately now, "And if you think that somehow me dating Jackson is going to change things between us, then you're wrong. You come first, sweetheart - you. You and your brother and sister. You guys are the most important to me in the world and none of that is going to change because of who I choose or don't choose to date. Okay?"
This was obviously meant to be reassuring to you, however, right now it felt more like a kick in the teeth - your mom putting the two of you's relationship on the exact same level as David and Tabitha, who barely showed any interest in her at all anymore.
Taking your silence to mean that you were in agreement with her, she then gave your arm a gentle little rub and smiled. "Good, though it'd probably be best not to say anything to David and Tabitha just yet. Not until I've had a proper chance to see how things between Jackson and me work out." She didn't have to worry there then, seeing as you really had no intention of telling anyone, ever!
"And now that that's all sorted," she then continued, changing topics, "what was it you came over for anyway?"
"I...I just thought maybe we could hang out..." you rather feebly muttered, not so sure you even wanted to anymore - finding it actually rather painful to be standing in her presence while she carried on as normal, as if nothing was even happened.
Not that it mattered anyway, seeing as she clearly had other, far more important things to do. "Oh, sweetheart, I wish I could, but today's not a very good day for me if I'm honest. I've got two different movies to shoot today and well, I'm already running slightly late as it is...what with spending so much time in bed." You almost physically shook as she said this, the image of her and Jackson fucking one another once more jumping into your head. "I tell you what though, how about we pencil something in for next week. I'll call you once I get a little free time..."
Launching then into a long drawn out description about how hectic she'd been this month, and how she'd been preparing for the adult video awards that were soon coming up, you found yourself completely zoning out - your mind still very much being on this Jackson guy and how sick to the stomach the thought of the two of them being together had made you feel. He had to be some kind of asshole of something, you were sure of it, simply taking advantage of the fact that your mom was a world famous porn star so that he could brag to all of his friends. He couldn't really be a nice guy, no matter what your mother had said - you'd seen him outside, he looked like a total douche!
"...I'm actually up for four awards, if you can believe that" you zoned back in, just in time to hear your mother enthusiastically say.
"Congratulations," you told her, struggling to sound excited, when in fact all you really wanted to do was get the hell out of there as fast as humanly possible, finding that the longer you stood there listening to her speak, the worse you began to feel inside.
Eventually though, after a couple more minutes of her gushing about how excited she felt and how she'd never been to a "proper glitzy do before", you rather awkwardly excused yourself, telling her that you'd had things to do anyway, before quickly making your way back towards the sanctuary of your new car, where you were finally able to release some of these pent up emotions by banging your head hard off the steering wheel once you were certain you were out of view.
How the hell could she do this to you? you asked yourself, realizing as you did that this was more than just anger directed towards some dude you didn't think was right for your mom - this was jealousy. You were jealous of him, of what they now had together, it was the only explanation! After all this time you'd spent with her since the accident, after all these emotions that had been gradually building within you (that at first you had just mistaken for lust but were just recently beginning to realize was actually something more), it finally all made sense! This was why you had grown so frustrated by her outer 'Amber' persona and wanted to spend more and more time with her as your mom. Why you got so turned on watching videos of her having sex in porno movies, but hated the thought of her actually dating someone in real life. You wanted that kind of connection - to be thought of as more than just her son, because not only did you love your mom more than anything else in the world, you were actually in love with her too! Jackson had nothing to do with any of it, not really, he was just the catalyst for you to finally realize what you should have known all along. You loved not only your mother's unbelievable, hard-on educing body with it's cartoonist proportions, you also loved the woman who wore it, the woman who hadn't really changed at all from how she was before the transplant. It had just taken the body of a world famous porn star for you to see it, and now that you did it almost felt like your head was about to explode!
"Oh God, I'm in love with my mom!" you squeaked, needing to pull the car over a minute to take this all in.
It was just so wrong...and sick, and you knew you shouldn't have feelings like this for you own parent, but there was absolutely nothing you could do. You couldn't change how you felt, and you weren't sure you wanted to either - every moment you'd spent together having been the happiest you'd been in a long, long time, even after everything that's happened.
Not that it mattered now though. She had Jackson, she wanted Jackson - she didn't want you! You were just her son, and in her eyes that's all you'd ever be. Which was the reason you now felt so angry and sick to the stomach. Because no matter how much fun the two of you had together, or how much she cared for you, you could never be with her in the way you wanted to be, in the way this guy now Jackson was, because she was your mother and she just didn't love you in that way - a realization that was now tearing you apart.
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