Yeah, right!

It seems as if all you need to do to earn your crystal is burn this place. Lucky for you, you've brought a party of professional pyromaniacs. With a cackle, you snap your fingers and a ball of fire appears in your hand. You tell the goblins to hold their torches, and soon after, four hooting green bundles of mayhem are running about chanting about burning and biting while a merry red glow rises from the vegetable patch. The rogue is nowhere to be seen, but you don't pay it much mind—after all, he's a stealth expert. You check your progress as you hear the clank of armour coming from outside.

Destruction: 10/100

Not a bad start! You signal to Tlax and the two of you run into the blazing vegetable patch just as the oak gate bursts open and the first adventurers run in. A 6'5'' man enclosed in full plate that looks entirely too heavy for the speed at which he charges past you is followed soon after by a woman wearing a green cloak and carrying a bow, then a young man with a surprisingly long, full beard wearing robes and carrying a gnarled staff. Their character sheet summaries describe them as a Level 2 Fighter, a Level 2 Ranger, and a Level 2 Mage respectively.

"Sweet, we just need to kill a few goblins and get like three levels?" comes the childish voice of the warrior. Despite his impressive stature, the voice coming from under his helmet doesn't sound like it's hit puberty yet.

"Alright, team awesome dance, let's go!" a similarly boyish voice comes from the clearly female human ranger. All of a sudden all three of them stand up straight and then hunch over a bit, synchronizing some sort of dance which consists entirely of pointing their arms to the ground and waving them side to side. You groan. Killing them will almost be too easy. You just need to survive **** by **** second-hand embarrassment first.

Tlax seemingly snaps out of her hypnosis first and rushes forward, wrapping herself around the mage. Rather than fight back, he simply gawks. "What? No fair! A naga! The wiki didn't say anything about any nagas in this area!". His voice has the same the prepubescent quality you've come to expect from this group. By the time he finally starts raising his staff to fight back, Tlax sinks her fangs into his neck. He slumps to the ground, vanishing into a small sack soon after.

The other two adventurers prove at least marginally more competent than their arcane friend. The ranger darts away while the fighter spins around and swings his huge greatsword at Tlax, who barely slips to the side as it cleaves a groove into the dirt. Seeing your cue to enter, you flick your finger at the ranger, who shudders and falls limp as your Hold Person takes effect, and then start slinging firebolts at the fighter from the cover of the blazing vegetable patch. Tlax makes quick work of the ranger, and runs circles around the fighter while you slowly chip away at his health, one firebolt at a time. Ding! That might be the easiest level you've ever earned. You step out of the blaze to check what they dropped when an arrow made entirely of acid grazes your shoulder, leaving a smoking and incredibly painful groove.

Right, you instinctively jump to the side and away from the loot. There are more adventurers coming, and not all of them are going to be as incompetent as that first group. This is going to be a rough fight. You glance at your progress as you spin around.

Destruction: 31/100

The bow-wielding, red-caped dwarf standing in front of you is already nocking another arrow, and is apparently a level 5 arcane archer. You haven't seen that class before: it must be part of the new patch. Behind him, a huge, almost 7ft tall muscular woman clad in thick furs and carrying a massive maul charges in with a "yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah," apparently a level 4 barbarian. Finally, two almost identical-looking bald priests take up the rear, both level 3: you recognize one of them as the priest you killed moments earlier. Great: adventurers respawn that close?

Tlax dives into the bonfire while you run for the now-smouldering dormitory, hoping to get some height and avoid learning what it feels like to be two-dimensional. Several more acid arrows and a few orbs of glowing light barely miss you as you run. Just as you reach the craggy wall, one of the orbs strikes you and, on top of a burning pain, you see yourself light up and a notification appears in your peripheral vision.

Illuminated: Enemies have a easier time seeing you. Penalty to stealth. Attacks are more likely to hit you.

Not good! You've just barely started climbing the wall when the stones below you explode. You gain several new cuts as shards of rock whizz past you, the iron maul lodged where you were barely a second before. With a grunt, the barbarian pulls it out and takes another swing, this one only missing by virtue of you just barely clambering out of reach at the last possible moment. You're about to breathe a sigh of relief when you see her sling her maul over her back and start climbing the wall below you, nearly as fast as you had.

You reach the top unmolested by further ranged attacks, the reason becoming obvious when you turn around. Tlax is darting in and out of the burning garden, striking at the priests and the archer. You see her sink her fangs into one of the priests and he falls limp, then another and he shouts in pain before backing away. The archer, seemingly the most experienced of the group, manages to keep her at a distance with well-placed arrows and no small amount of retreating.

You see one huge hand grip the side of the roof, then another. Snickering, you shoot a firebolt at the first hand. However, rather than causing the hand to slip, it only makes things worse. You hear a yell of rage and then she swipes her hand at you, grabbing your leg and tossing you off the roof at high speed. You briefly curse at this all being for nothing and brace for impact before remembering your wings and clumsily flipping in midair, turning your rapid descent into a smooth glide. You shoot a few firebolts at the paralyzed priest while you are down and are rewarded with the feeling of your wounds quickly stitching themselves closed as you gain another level. You do a celebratory spin before wincing as a green arrow blasts a hole clean through your wing and you find yourself in a heap by the sheep pen, the crazed barbarian charging in your direction and the archer lining up another shot. Tlax is cornering the second priest, but it looks like this is about to be over before she can finish him off.

Suddenly inspiration strikes you, and with a well-placed firebolt you blast open the gate to the sheep pen. Yelling instructions to the two nearby goblins, they throw several torches into the pen. You're nearly trampled as a stampede of terrified sheep, several of which are on fire, emerges and spreads out in every direction. You hop one of the flaming ones and start launching more flames at the barbarian from your improvised mount, and the goblins switch from burning everything in sight to taking aim with their bows. Soon, the barbarian is peppered with arrows. You have to hand it to them: the goblins are surprisingly good at this.

Your panicking steed rounds the temple to another rush of experience as Tlax finishes off the second priest. The archer is now climbing one of the compound walls, and unfortunately your new attempt at Hold Person has no effect: he shivers momentarily but then resumes his climb. Tlax begins to pursue him, but she isn't nearly as fast at climbing as he is and soon after he's peppering her with arrows from the safety of the walls. You spin around to realize you've been seriously unaware of your surroundings, as a raging pincushion of a barbarian is now barrelling straight at you, your mount seemingly too disoriented by the chaos to care that it's charging at the biological equivalent of a brick wall. Suddenly remembering that barbarians aren't known for their mental faculties, you mutter an incantation and just as her mace is about to score a hole-in-one you see her shudder and collapse. As your now half-cooked steed charges over her you feel yet another rush of experience.

Destruction: 73/100

Getting there! Tlax is starting to look pretty badly wounded, with several holes in her serpentine form and acid burns across her scales, but with supporting arrows from the goblins she's finally gotten the upper hand. After one too many bites the archer finally falls limp as her venom takes full effect and is dispatched soon after. Ding! Another level!?

There's no time to celebrate as yet another wave of adventurers starts pouring through the gate. The three level 2s you killed moments ago are already back, along with a veritable army of adventurers between levels 1 and 10. Among them you spot the familiar long, blonde hair of your favourite priestess. She lags behind the group as she looks somewhat confused and then frowns and rubs her thighs together.

Well, no time to worry about that! This is your cue to leave. You mutter an unheard apology to your goblin friends as you climb the nearby wall, somewhat hidden by the raging inferno that surrounds you, and signalling to Tlax the two of you throw yourselves off the outside wall of the compound and glide (or slither) for the woods. Hopefully the goblins can finish off the quest before the adventurers wipe them out.

You've almost made it when there's another loud trumpet blast, and the words "World Quest Failed" flash across your vision. Damn it, you were so close! Despite that, you can't help to glance at the summary window in front of you.

World Quest Failed: Fire in Enileve's Garden
The monastery has been destroyed.
Penalty: The attackers have stolen the monastery's mana crystal.
Consolation: A bounty will be issued in one day.

Oh right, you remember with a grin. You're the "bad guy," at least according to the adventurers, so failure is actually a good thing. Giving a small salute to your fallen goblin allies and hoping that at least some of them made it out, you gracelessly crash into the treeline with Tlax close behind. You're just about to start your trip home when you hear a shout behind you.

"Get back here you scheming bastard imp scum asshole!"

You glance behind you to see a certain priestess charging at you, mace readied and an incoherent stream of profanities continuing to emerge from her mouth. She's inactive and seemingly without backup. Both you and Tlax shrink into the nearby trees, and soon enough she crashes past you, robe trailing behind her. Before she realizes what's happened, she's hanging upside down, with her legs bound together as Tlax winds around her and looks at you for instructions.

You step out of your hiding place and motion Tlax not to finish her off just yet. Your appearance elicits renewed flailing and swearing from the priestess. "Liar! Trickster! Cheat! Defiler! Release. Me. This. Instant!" That being said, you can't help but notice that her cheeks are flushed and she's panting heavily between words. She didn't run that far. You quickly check her character sheet: apparently she's reached level 4 today. You close it and quickly switch to checking her... appearance stat. Her struggle only serves to enhance the view: her long hair fans out below her, her breasts bounce deliciously as she struggles, and her robe falls to reveal her long, bare legs and damp panties.

"Well, well, well, my pet. Couldn't resist me, could you?"