Xmas 2022 - 9 of 12

Christmas Eve without Dad was always going to be a little awkward. You did your best to hide the problem: you wear jeans that kind of try to contain your outrageous bulge. Mom and Kayla have always known that you have a penis, and that’s always been a little bit awkward, but it’s different now that it’s huge and you’re the face of FUTA.

You, Kayla, and Mom are all curled up with cookies and milk tonight in the living room like you would normally… except for the way neither of them seems willing to look at you. It’s Annette’s fault: she released a Christmas teaser ad for FUTA Season 2 with you wearing a slutty Santa outfit and holding a long, thin Christmas Gift in a suggestive way.

Looks like Kayla and your mom have seen that ad. You’re trying to play it cool.

“Maybe being a celebrity’s not actually fun,” Kayla says as your phone dings for the hundredth time tonight. You leave it where it is: facedown on the sofa beside you. This Christmas is weird enough without you actively being a jerk and looking at your phone all night. You focus on munching your mom’s cookies, which are extremely good. She works hard on them.

“Not always fun to be a celebrity’s mom,” your mom notes, a little passive-aggressively. People around Gurlberg must be giving her shit because of your ridiculous FUTA promotion.

“Sorry,” you say.

She just sighs. “I’d have done the same at your age. I can’t be mad.”

“Love you too, Mom.”

She smiles at you, then speaks sharply. “Kayla! That’s not yours.”

Kayla has your phone. Her face is beet red and her eyes are wide. She licks her lips and swipes. She’s looking at the texts that you’re receiving, and you have a pretty good idea what they are: thirst texts wishing you Merry Christmas from the members of Pink Team. They all want to be the first to get a taste of your monster meat when practice resumes this spring.

“You probably shouldn’t look at those,” you say. You had all this anxiety after that thing with Tess, so you have these pills now. They make you very calm.

“What are they?” your mom asks, looking confused.

“A million chicks are sending her nudes,” Kayla reports, still swiping. “Oh god!” Her eyes pop open. She turns redder and changes position, but keeps swiping. “Haven’t seen this many boobs since I went to that CCL car wash. Oh. That is explicit. That is eighteen plus. Wowzer.” Still swiping.

Mom stares at you.

You shrug.

“Kayla, put that down,” your mom orders.

“Riley, this chick is like Mom’s age!” Kayla blurts out. “Oh my god. There’s two of them.”

“Riley?” your mom asks, staring harder.

You put your face in your palm.