Xmas 2022 - 12 of 12

Your mom and Shauna burst out laughing in unison, much too loudly.

Much wine has been had. They remind you of the two old men from the Muppets. They are completely wasted. Which is a bit worrying because your mom went completely overboard with the house this year because your guests are from England, so she felt as though she had to be fancy.

“I need another one,” Beth says brightly, holding up her empty glass. She detaches herself from you and escapes the little blanket nest that you have on the sofa, trotting off to the kitchen in her ridiculous, weirdly sexy elf costume. You can hear her jingling around in there because of the bell on her hat. A door clicks. She’s gone into the bathroom in the hall.

Kayla sullenly gazes at the fire. Yeah… she’s a bit left out. You’re about to say something to her, but she stands up and shuffles into the hall. You throw off the blankets and follow her into the kitchen, where she’s pouring spiked eggnog.

“Well,” she says. “You ruin everything.”

“What did I ruin? I mean, I know Shauna’s a lot…”

“A lot? I think I saw mom checking her out,” Kayla mutters. “And they’re like besties now. You how they hang all over each other. Seriously. Look how much they touch. It’s been two days and they’re like this. Mom’s mine, Riley. She’s mine. You’re gone and she’s mine. Her whole purpose in life is to spoil me. How’s she going to do that now that she’s hanging out with this chick twenty-four-seven? When’s she going to make my pizza rolls? Who’s going to buy groceries?”

Kayla’s only half-joking. You’ve seen your mom take plates of food up to her room when she’s depressed and sit there rubbing her back and feeding her.

Kayla groans in disgust. “You ruined Christmas. You’re basically Voldemort, Riley.”

You take that in.

“Oof,” you say.

The bathroom door opens and Beth emerges.

“Oi, Riley’s Mum! Have you heard the one about the Welsch yoga teacher?” she calls out drunkenly as she jingles back into the living room.

Kayla sighs dejectedly. “She’s cute.”

“She is,” you agree.

“She seems fun.”

“She is.”

“Oh my god! You’re a celebrity and you’re rich and you’re going to get married! And you’re on TV!” Kayla rolls her eyes. “What else can you possibly do to crush my soul?”

You smile at her. Then you step forward and pull her into a gentle hug. She sniffles and hugs you back. You rub her back. Her nose is cold against your neck. “What else could I do?” you muse. You lean in even closer to whisper in her ear. “I could keep you up all night making you listen to me fucking my girlfriend in her adorable elf costume.”

Kayla pulls back, eyes narrowed. “You wouldn’t.”

You shrug at her. “Why not? They’ll be passed out,” you add, glancing toward the living room.

Kayla stares at you, then sinks to her knees. She pulls pitifully on the hem of your sweater with both hands.

“No,” she moans. “Kill me.”