Xavier finds a solution to the problem!

A few hours and an ugly transaction between a mercenary and his wheelchair later, Charles Xavier stood in the back lawn of his institute looking up at the victims of Doctor Doom’s failed ambitions. Several tried and failed to cover themselves while others tried to contain their children who scampered around the lawn like oversize bear cubs. Still feeling woozy from drinking his entire decanter of bourbon, Xavier rubbed his eyes and addressed the afflicted X-Men and Avengers.

“Well… I have good news and… And Bad news… ‘Hic’.” The Professor giggled before straightening himself up. “The good news is I managed to find a way to save you all from being a horde of cookie monsters hellbent on rampaging through the countryside.”

Looking to each other and down at their STILL massive furry frames, they didn’t believe that one bit. “And the bad news?” Asked Captain America, having found his shield which he now held like a small Frisbee.

“The bad news is because you’ve been like this for a few days, the changes are permanent. What’s worse is I still owe contracting loans for the school wing you all demolished in your little stint.”

Looking behind them to the pulverised building they had been living in up to now, the blue beasts looked a little bashful and embarrassed at their past behaviour. “So, what do you have planned to fix this? Call SHIELD? Let them know about our condition?”

“Oh, they already know Miss Romonov, seems SHIELD claims and I quote ‘We are not in the business of hiring freaks to save our country’, so by that statement they’ve giving sole responsibility of you to me.”

“Yeah… Sounds like something Fury would say.” Murmured Hawkeye, shaking his head.

“So, what do you have planned Professor?”

*

One week later…

“Please Professor, this is cruel and unusual!” Sulked Hank McCoy, wearing an undersized yellow vest and matching top hat.

“Stop complaining and get back on that damn unicycle, we got a show to do!” Shaking his head and looking over to the crowd of visitors to the school, Charles Xavier turned on the speakerphone in his hand and announced to the crowd. All while Hank balanced himself on a unicycle juggling balls for a captivated audience.

“WELCOME EVERYONE AND CHILDREN OF ALL AGES, WELCOME TO XAVIER’S SCHOOL FOR SPECIAL CHILDREN AND PETTING ZOO!”

In the span of a week and with some hard work, the professor had turned the rear property of his school into a fully functioning petting zoo, occupied by the group of massive beasts who begrudgingly sat in their pens or were **** to humiliate themselves to performing for the amusement of bratty children. Walking down the winding path that joined each pen, Xavier continued his carnival barking.

“Here, we have the deadly and alluring Blue Widow, the deadliest of her species, she’s been known to devour her mates!”

Sitting in the center of her cobweb littered open cell, Natasha tended to her five kids who either hung from her arms like a human gymnasium or ran circles around her bulk. “Honestly, I’m NOT that deadly.”

“HOMEWRECKER!” Yelled Hope from across the zoo.

“Oh, put it in your blog!” Natasha yelled back, rolling her eyes.

Signalling for the crowd to move on to the next exhibit, Xavier introduced the next pen. “Here we have the Blue Bumblers; a hive of blue bumblebees who are known for their vicious sting… And delicious honey!” Moving up to the fence to look at the beasts, a newly pregnant Janet and Hank Pym looked up at the crowd and waved back, unamused. A dozen of their kids hovered around their heads with their buzzing wings, having learned how to fly recently. And gaining the same flaws as their new name sake as one of Janet’s children found himself stuck flying headfirst into the screen door of the ‘honey’ storage shed. “Since when did YOU make honey?” whispered Hank confused.

“I WANNA TRY SOME!” Yelled out a member of the audience, plucking a jar out of the display and sipping at its contents, then going bug-eyed and running for the nearest garbage bin to throw up, hard!

“Please be advised that raw blue honey is not recommended for consumption, moving on to the next exhibit!”

Over the course of the tour, Xavier had introduced the ‘Indigo Patriot’, the ‘Cobalt Bear’, the pride of ‘Azure Lionesses’ and the dreaded Grizzly Blue.

“Grizzly Blue?! That’s the name you gave me?” Growled Jennifer Walters, looking up from her bear enclosure to the onlookers overhead. “Well I’d have called you the big blue hairy nympho, but apparently that title is contested among your peers.”

“Fuck you Charlie!”

“Ooh, look it that there bear there.” Chuckled a slack jawed guest among the crowd. “Hey there big gal, you want an ice cream cone?” He chuckled, waving the confectionary tauntingly at the massive blue bear woman.

“Please don’t feed the animals sir.”

“Yeah? Why not?” Caught off guard, the man never had a chance to escape when Jen grabbed him by the outstretched arm and pulled him into her enclosure. “AAAAH! Bad touch! BAD TOUCH! I NEED AN ADULT! I NEED AN ADULT!”

Oh my GOD! She’s killing my husband!”

“Oh, my no my dear, he’s perfectly safe, though he may need traction when she’s done with him… Maybe a new hip replacement.”

“Aren’t you going to save him?!” Panicked the woman along with the others. His answer was to place his fingers to his forehead and answer. “He’s perfectly alright, you want to continue the tour… And donate extra for a lovely show.”

“WE WANT TO CONTINUE THE TOUR AND DONATE EXTRA FOR THE SHOW…” Droned the crowd, totally ignoring the man’s pleas for help as his shorts flew over the fence line.

“LOVELY! Moving on!”