Will Dickman, a computer science student

Will stared at the computer screen, fiddling away at his keyboard as he absentmindedly tried fixing the next piece of code in his programming homework. As he plinked away at the rented keyboard, he noticed a tiny slip of paper that seemed to be poking out of the tower for the computer he was working on. Probably some scribbled note that some joker had slipped into it for fun. He pulled it out and looked at it.

"Command access alpha-4589-fuckyouTina?"

COMMAND ACCESS CODE ACCEPTED. ENABLING EXECUTIVE COMMAND FUNCTIONS FOR USER WILLIAM CEZAR DICKMAN.

"What the hell?"

RUN DIAGNOSTIC Y/N?

"Yes, I guess? What's going on?"

DIAGNOSTIC RUNNING. USER WILLIAM CEZAR DICKMAN HAS BEEN ADDED TO EXECUTIVE COMMAND STRUCTURE OF PROJECT 'F U TINA'. DIAGNOSTIC COMPLETE. ALL MANUAL SYSTEMS NOMINAL. PLEASE INPUT COMMANDS.

"I have command of the nanobot system? The one that's in the entire world?"

THAT IS CORRECT. THIS PROJECT IS CAPABLE OF ENACTING PHYSIOLOGICAL CHANGES TO ANY ASSIMILATED HUMAN BEING, PROVIDED ACCURATE IDENTIFICATION OF TARGET. AS INHERITOR OF THE PROJECT, YOU ARE RESPONSIBLE FOR THE COMPLETION OF THE PROJECT OBJECTIVES THAT ARE NOT ACHIEVABLE BY THIS PROJECT.

"What are the objectives?"

0: ENSURE SURVIVAL OF HUMAN SPECIES. ONGOING.

1: ASSIMILATE HUMAN SPECIES. COMPLETE.

2: ENSURE PEAK HEALTH FOR HUMAN SPECIES. COMPLETE.

3: MAINTAIN LEADER. ONGOING

4: ENSURE LEADER BLOODLINE CONTINUES. INCOMPLETE

5: GRANT LEADER RULERSHIP OF HUMAN SPECIES: INCOMPLETE

6: EXPAND BEYOND PLANET EARTH. INCOMPLETE

7: RULE THE WORLD. INCOMPLETE