Why I'm Doing This

Truthfully I could never shake the fact that I wasn't meant to leave him to his own devices, that I needed to make amends here. If only for the fact that my time since returning to this timeline has shown me that life affects life, that none of us are alone. And call it karma or whatever you may, but I couldn't ignore the simple fact that his life being worse might just ruin the chance that others had now to make their own life better.

So with that final reason my resolve is set. I'm not saying that I'm going to make Blake my friend, but I know that by the time we get back on that bus back to campus I'm going to have done everything in my power to make it clear that however he sees me, he doesn't see me as an enemy.

"Of course," boy-Kim smiles, properly mollified, "Yeah I suppose we've got a bit of time to spare. We'll probably be fine to take a quick break, even if we are pretty close to the end. Let's say fifteen minutes for a bathroom break and we all meet out there in the middle of the square. In the meantime I suggest you take in the sights of the area and in particular I recommend- Oh... you're all... going..."

We choose to go to college to gain some amount of autonomy, and so far today we'd had none of it really. So given any chance everyone in the group seized it, rushing out of the alleyway we were in so quickly that Blake and I just had a moment to react, with him pushing me aside and against the wall while the entire group squeezed out of it and scattered, leaving the two of us well and truly on our own.

A beat and a moment to contemplate. To take stock and to regain our senses. Both Blake and I looking this way and that and seeing only narrow empty space and the silence of privacy in the midst of a big city.

"Do you want to run too, Em?" he asks me, his voice flat and without emotion.

In the rush of people we didn't choose so much as choice was **** upon us. I was pressed so quickly that my back was up against the wall and Blake was pushed against me, his arms coming up as if to shield me but really it felt more like the walls of a cage around me, closing and keeping me in.

There is barely an inch of air between our bodies and I can barely move so I don't. I keep my eyes on the flat firmness of his chest and I shake my head meekly, knowing that he could destroy me with a twitch.

"Good," he says above me, "Because we clearly need to have a talk about boundaries. About what is and is not acceptable. About just what you think you know about me and just what you think about me. About-"

"We don't," I say quietly, then stronger, "We really, really don't."

I turn my eyes up to lock with his. Defiant and with an edge of a smile on my lips, I come right up to the edge of mockery but I don't dare cross it.

"We don't need to talk at all, Blake," I say, "Because I don't know you and I know that. But I also know how to push your buttons and I know what I get when I do. Or did you forget yesterday at the fair? Did you forget how much... how much I loved it."

I swallow hard, blushing with shame at the memory of how he used me. And that I do not need to fake because it is real and god it is present.

"I loved it, Blake," I go on, "And I need it again."

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