Week 3 Carla's Date: Correspondence

Warning: The following letters contain some spoilers for Xar's HH season.

Shar walked back into her office carrying a stack of letters, which she dropped on her desk before settling back into her chair with a sigh. Holding the connection to Arabella's much faster-moving time stream was strain enough without having to shift the when as well. Well, her grand-niece was gone and back again, as well as caught up. She'd been as excited about the news on Shar's champion as the redhead was to give it.

As she leaned back in her heavy wooden chair, Nimue was suddenly there, massaging her shoulders. "This is why we never went in on all this intra-season contact in my time. You're pushing yourself too hard."

Relaxing back into the blue-skinned woman's surprisingly strong fingers, Shar took a deep breath and exhaled. Though she hadn't actually needed to breathe in thousands of years. Old habits died hard, and it was still calming. "I push myself harder making enough time to watch all the seasons that I am. Sadly, I can only watch so much with so many new seasons cropping up. Even I can't keep up with them all."

"We didn't do much of that either." Nimue laughed. "Might have helped with avoiding making mistakes though."

Shar laughed along with her lover. "I don't know about that, seems like we make plenty of our own mistakes in this age."

The Elder Fae moved around and sat in the tall redhead's lap, hugging her close. "It's your first season, there are bound to be hiccups. And you've adapted wonderfully so far."

"Two contestants already passed three hundred Victory Points, some adapting. All because I wanted to distract the audience from the lack of suffering. I swear if one of them actually makes five hundred, I'm calling things early."

Nimue cuddled in close, knowing Shar was just tired. She really was pushing herself with making all the gifts for other contestants on top of everything else. Frustrated too, given how some seasons were going. Getting too invested was another risk the old ways avoided. "I think the reward goals are a great motivator. You should keep that for your next season."

"I don't even want to think of a next season."

The blue-haired woman tsked. "You should, if you don't have a plan in mind, you may get handed something you really don't want instead, another so-called payback season maybe?" She teased.

"Don't get me started! Payback my ass, just an excuse to bully people. Anyways, I don't think my Producer would have greenlit this season, promising no interference, if he was planning on screwing me over later. He is planning something though, but it's not like I can get a read on him."

Nimue tsked again, poking into the Producer's business was not a good idea. To distract her love, she snatched up the pile of letters and fanned them out. "So what are these then?"

Shar raised a brow at the woman in her lap to show she knew very well what she was doing, but let herself be diverted. "Responses from Arabella's crew to the last fanmail. You know how she encourages them to write back."

"And?" The Fae woman fanned the letters at her lover, as if taunting her to pick one.

Laughing, Shar plucked a letter from the group. "You win, lets see who's first. Hmmm, I'll have to be careful here to avoid spoilers.

Dear Shar,

The dragon has a name now, however it is embarrassing and Andy will never let me live it down. She lives on the nightstand and Andy has already been informed that she's not to be moved.

Thank you for the letter. And for not giving me advice — I've had a lot of advice lately, most of it well-meaning, and there's something genuinely restful about someone who just says congratulations and means it without attaching conditions.

Andy told me you write every round and that you look out for Sam, which tells me most of what I need to know about you. Anyone who looks out for Sam gets my automatic goodwill. She'd never ask for it herself, which is exactly why it matters that you do it anyway.

I hope your season is going well. And thank you for Nanaya. She's in good hands.

Special Guest.

P.S. Andy speaks highly of your Laura and says they're friends. Can you please tell her I am grateful for her friendship with him? Anyone who supported him before I arrived gets points in my book.

P.P.S. Andy is still inordinately proud that you wrote to him once. He says from what he understands, you almost never write men. It's fun to see what blows his mind!

Glad to see she's settled in well and liked the toy."

"And she appreciates Sam." Nimue's eyes twinkled.

"Yes, well, that shows what a special person she is. Next letter is from Claire,

Dear Shar,

Thank you for the congratulations. The pregnancy is real and confirmed and I have already started a separate notebook for it, which I mention because I think you would understand why that was the first thing I did.

The cat girl suggestion has been noted. I have not yet asked Andy. I am running probability estimates first. The Feline Fertility transformation means litters are a statistical possibility regardless of whether I ask for the cat girl component specifically, which raises a number of questions I am still working through. I will report back.

The immortality note is the part of your letter I have been thinking about most. I want to be precise: are you telling me that Andy's Achievements may have already changed what we are in ways that extend beyond the documented effects? Because if so, that changes the scope of my research considerably. I had been treating the anomalies as isolated variables. If immortality — or something adjacent to it — is already in effect, then the interactions between all the documented changes become a different kind of problem.

I have started a new section in the Archive. I would like to ask you more specific questions when you have time. I will try to keep them organized.

Thank you for the lead. It was the most useful thing anyone has said to me this round.

Claire Freeman

P.S. Erin and Marissa were with me when I read your letter. Erin immediately asked if her children would be half plant if Andy requested it, and then unlocked a new fear about herbicide. I thought you should know your letter had consequences."

"Isn't herbicide already toxic to humans?"

"Some of it quite a bit, yes. There's the whole Agent Orange debacle. What's important is she is considering having kittens."

Nimue laughed at her love's priorities. "Yes, yes. Cat girls are inevitable. So Tracy keeps saying. About time we got a new cat Goddess."

Shrugging, Shar replied. "Well, we don't know they're becoming divine because of the potential immortality, it's just a theory."

"And Emi is already divine."

The sitting redhead waggled a hand. "Divine heritage, it's just a potential for now. Now speaking of herbicide, Erin's letter is next.

Shar,

"I have no more advice to give."

I've read that line about six times now and I still can't decide if it's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me or if you're just retiring from the field because you're satisfied with your work. Knowing you, probably both.

For the record: the odalisque outfit still fits perfectly, I've worn it exactly once, and Andy's expression made it worth the wait. The return on investment was, as promised, excellent. I hope you feel vindicated about the underwear. I know I did when I sent them.

I want to say something here that I don't say easily, so bear with me. When I got your first letter, I was furious at the world in general and Andy in particular and I was absolutely certain that nothing you said was going to help. And then it did. You didn't fix anything, that wasn't your job, but you took me seriously when I hadn't figured out how to take myself seriously yet. I don't forget things like that.

So thank you. For all of it. The letters, the outfit, the fact that you never once told me to calm down.

I'll try not to need any more advice. No promises.

Erin

Harem Queen

Still wearing the outfit only when the moon allows it, which feels appropriately dramatic

P.S. The underwear was also a thank you. I want that on record."

"You did a very good job with her, nudged her right into the path she needed. And it is very nice to see her grateful to you for it."

"Arabella did most of the work, and Erin herself once she stopped being her own biggest roadblock. Still, it feels good to see her come so far. Now who's next? Ah, sweet Marissa.

Dear Shar,

I've read this letter four times now. Each time I think I'm going to respond to it like a professional — measured, grateful, appropriately warm — and each time I get to "as are you" and have to put it down for a minute.

You have a talent for saying exactly the right thing in exactly the right number of words. I've spent years teaching other people how to do that and I'm still not sure I'm as good at it as you are.

I'm doing better. Not all the way better, but better. The sisters you mention — I think I'm finally letting them be that, instead of keeping them at the careful distance I usually maintain with people I care about. It turns out the distance doesn't actually protect anyone. I knew that professionally. It's different, knowing it for yourself.

I'm still playing piano when I need to think. I'll take your approval of it as permission to keep going.

Thank you, Shar. For all of it. Even the collar.

With genuine affection,

Marissa

I still think it's a shame she didn't get cowed, but I'm glad to see she's healing."

Musical laughter filled the room. "Chloe makes for a better cow anyways, and you don't need to be greedy wanting two of them."

"Chloe isn't cowed yet, just milky. But she does have the better potential, I must agree. We'll just have to hope."

"And keep sending Arabella transformation suggestions?"

It was Shar's turn to laugh, as she hugged the shorter woman to her. "Arabella and half the other hosts, it feels like. Even the imps took some of my suggestions this round."

"You are part of their audience. Such an odd season. Who is next? That's a larger letter than normal."

Shar pulled out the indeed much longer than usual correspondence. "From our champion herself." Shar's smile was radiant. She was proud of Erin, but that was nothing compared to the triumph she felt over her champion's victory.

"Shar,

I've read this letter four times now. The last time I got to "I have been rooting for you since before you even arrived on the show" and had to put it down for a minute. Liesa found me staring at it and asked if I was okay. I told her yes. She sat down next to me anyway. That's her, basically. That's why I asked.

Thank you. For the rings, for the words, for all of it. The Claddagh is beautiful. We're keeping the wedding bands for the ceremony — feels right to put them on then and not before. We're still wearing the other two. I keep catching Liesa touching hers when she thinks I'm not looking.

I want to talk about the Castle, because I've thought about it a lot and I want to be honest with you rather than just say "thank you, we'll think about it."

I love the idea. I mean that. The offer means something to me, and knowing your charges would be there — that it would be a real thing in a real place with people who actually understand what this kind of life looks like — that's a lot, actually.

But Andy is my best man. That's not negotiable for me, and it's not because I haven't thought it through. It's because he's the reason I know what I know about myself now. He's the reason I stopped pretending the loneliness was fine. He walked me through every hard thing since long before this season and he's going to be standing next to me when I marry Liesa, and I need that to be as Andy, not as Andi.

Here's the thing I keep coming back to: Andy can change forms. He does it easily, and he's generous about it, and if I asked him he'd probably say yes without hesitating. But I'd know I asked. I'd know the reason I asked was that the venue wouldn't take him as he is. And that's — I can't do that to him. I spent too many years hiding what I was because the room wouldn't take me as I was. I'm not going to make him do that for my wedding. Even if he'd do it happily for us.

So I think we have our ceremony here, at the HH, with Arabella. But I very much want to come visit afterward. I want to meet you in person. I want Liesa to see the Castle. We'll figure it out.

The black potion is on the nightstand. We've talked about it twice now, not enough to decide anything, but enough to know we're not scared of the question. That already feels like something. You were right that we'd never considered it before. You were also right that it deserved time. We're taking the time.

The blue potion Nimue sent — tell her I said thank you and also that I'm onto her. "Outclassed by your peers" is a very polite way to say what she actually means, and I respect the diplomacy. Liesa thinks it's funny. She has requested first use on the grounds that, and I'm quoting directly here, "Sam's shirts are already a structural challenge." I don't know what I'm going to do with that woman. Definitely marry her.

Please tell me more about your charges who are engaged. I want to know if they're doing okay. Anyone getting married in a situation like this deserves someone asking.

With genuine love and a level of gratitude I'm still working out how to carry,

Sam

Harem Queen

Still getting used to both words

P.S. Hand, heart, and crown. I've been turning that over since I read it. It's exactly right. Thank you for giving us language for it.

So, no on the wedding here sadly, I would love to be the one to handfast them, but her dedication to Andy is commendable. And they haven't rejected the potions so there's hope there at least."

"Still coming to visit though, so you'll get to see your 'Harem Queen' in person at least. She's met Candy and Laura already, but maybe you can do better than a letter and let Anna visit as well. Could be quite the arm wrestling match."

"Anna might enjoy the visit a lot. She was quite disturbed by hearing about Dani, so seeing another blue-haired lesbian doing well might help. Arabella's already joking about putting in a revolving door between our seasons."

Nimue shook her head with a peal of laughter. "It's hard enough keeping track of Tracy as it is. Give her a door, and there is no telling which season she might find herself in."

"I'm tempted to send her to Jocelyn's, ghosts can't hide from a cat. No, with my luck she'd end up at Azure's and steal Tomoko out from under her. We'd never hear the end of that. Let's see, ah, Liesa's next.

Shar,

Am sitting on the edge of the bed still in the dress. Sam is asleep next to me. She fell asleep holding my hand, which she does sometimes when she thinks I will not notice. I notice every time.

Cannot take the dress off yet. Is silly, I know. But it fits like it was made for me, which I suppose it was, and every time I look down at the lace on the sleeve I think, this is the dress. The one I imagined when I was small and drew weddings in the margins of my school notebooks. I did not know then that the person waiting at the end of the aisle would be Sam. Did not know there would be an aisle at all, for a long time. But here is the dress, and here is Sam, and I am sitting in Room 69 of a magical hotel crying a little on a very expensive enchantment, so.

Thank you. For the dress and for what you said inside the letter. You told me to go for her, you know. I did not say this to Sam yet because she would make a face and say something like "so everyone knew before me" and pretend to be annoyed. But you said it, and I listened, and I want you to know that. Sometimes you need one person to say the thing out loud before you can let yourself do it.

About the dress. Am glad you told us the magic will work during the wedding only. Would hate to waste it on a Tuesday. I do not mind my transformation anymore. But the idea of walking down toward Sam without my body making a performance of it is a gift. Will be able to just be there. With her. That is everything.

Andy will probably cry, by the way. He cries at nice things and then pretends he did not. Sam will definitely cry and also pretend she did not. Am already looking forward to it.

Have not decided yet whether to ask Arabella to do the ceremony or to do something smaller, just us. Sam says she wants Andy as her best man, which — yes. Obviously. There is no version of this where he is not there. And I think maybe we do it here, at the HH, where all of this started. But we are still talking. We have time.

Thank you, Shar.

With so much love,

Liesa

P.S. Is a very good Flemish cut. Do not know how you knew. Perhaps do not tell me — some things are nicer as mysteries.

So glad she liked the dress, she looks lovely in it."

"And she looks lovely with Sam, which she also thanks you for."

Shar set the letter atop Sam's on her desk and kissed Nimue quite thoroughly. "They were inevitable, destined for each other. I only helped them find each other sooner. As subtle as a hammer, Sam said." Smiling, she ran a hand over both letters, then plucked the next from her lover's hand. "And now, dear Norah, how will she insult me this time, do you think?

Shar,

I have three notes.

First: the portrait. I am aware of the portrait. Sam doesn't think I am. I have opinions about the portrait which I will not be committing to paper. What I will say is that whoever commissioned it has a very specific idea of what constitutes fine art, and I am choosing to interpret it as a compliment rather than an ambush, because that is the more useful framing and I am, as you noted, making progress. Whether it sees the light of Andy's bedroom is a separate conversation that I am tabling until I have had more coffee and fewer feelings.

Second: the coffee mug. I went back and looked. I owe you an apology for every mildly dismissive thought I had about this place in the first two rounds. I also owe someone a very serious conversation with Arabella, which I am adding to the list. The list is getting long but I am a good project manager and I will get to it.

Third, and this one I mean without irony: thank you. "The fires of passion that burn in your heart" is the first description of my personality I have ever received that didn't come with a disclaimer or a suggested correction attached. I'm keeping it. Don't tell anyone.

Warmest regards,

Norah

P.S. I would have been a spectacular coffee table and we both know it. Excellent posture. Good surface area. That's not the point, but I want it on record.

Well, that was refreshing."

"That she's thinking of showing Andy her portrait as a cow girl?" Nimue smirked.

Shar slapped at her playfully. "No, well yes, but no. She's finally come so far she can acknowledge the help I gave, and even thanked me. She was so very close to giving up, and that would have been such a waste. The harem will need her, and her passion." Nimue held out the next letter for Shar. "Ah Myra. I wrote my letter to her too soon. She's already handled things quite well on her own.

Shar,

The roses are extraordinary. I want you to know that first, before anything else. Each petal looks to me like it was painted in living light — not color exactly, more like the color of the feelings you poured into the roses, if that makes any sense. I stood with them for a long time this morning just looking. Looking is the right word, I think. That's the thing I want to explain to you, if I can.

I don't think of my sight as a loss anymore. I know that's not what you expected to hear, and I know your concern comes from a real place, so I want to be honest with you rather than just grateful and evasive. The new vision — especially since the upgrade — works. It works well. I don't need light. I can read, I can see faces, I can watch the way a room shifts when someone walks in carrying something they haven't said yet. I can see what people feel before they know it. I can see equally well in darkness and in light. I saw the roses. I see everything. Just not the way I used to, and I find I don't miss the way I used to as much as I thought I would.

You're right that I haven't tested whether restoration would cancel it. That's a fair point and I'm not ruling anything out. But I'm also not suffering, and I want you to believe me when I say that. I carry the cane with me more out of habit than out of need, at this point. This isn't stubbornness for its own sake, or penance, or pride. It's just — this is mine now. It grew out of the hardest thing I've ever been through and it shows me the world in a way I couldn't have imagined before. That feels less like a patch and more like who I am going to be, going forward.

Thank you.

With warmth,

Myra

At least she's enjoyed the roses."

"Such is the danger of such correspondence, and with such a fast time stream making things more difficult."

"Indeed. And now Emi.

Shar,

Thank you. The forest started as just a place to think. I didn't realize it was becoming a Sanctuary until I saw it changing and growing. I wonder if it's because of my connection to Grandma. That part surprised me. I'm glad it did.

"Leave the shadows and be seen" — I liked that since I read it. I spent a long time being the person in the corner of the room who hoped nobody looked too closely. I'm still working on it honestly, but it's different now. The arms help, strangely. Hard to be invisible with six arms.

I hope I'm doing Grandma proud. I think about that more than I expected to. She's — a lot, as a grandmother. In the best possible way.

Thank you for watching. Thank you for the words. They meant more than a short letter probably intended.

With love,

Emi

Sweet as always." Opening the next letter, Shar smiled again. "And speaking of sweet, we have our lovely Dawn.

Shar,

You knew about the cult. I don't know why that surprises me but it does a little, and also it makes me so happy I read it twice just to make sure.

The temple is — it's mine. That still feels new to say. I built it for quiet but it keeps filling up with little promises, and I don't mind at all.

The seating is better now, thank you for noticing. I can sit anywhere, which sounds like a small thing but wasn't. Laps are still best. I've made my peace with that. Andy's is the most comfortable by far, but honestly at this point half the harem qualifies as "plush".

The last part of your letter struck me. "Be not afraid to seek some joy of your own." The day before your letter arrived I was in the chapel by myself and I finally admitted something I'd been circling around for a long time. That I wanted something just for me, not because it would help anyone else or make anything easier. Just because I wanted it. It felt strange to even think it. I'm trying to learn how to want things. I think I'm getting there.

With love,

Dawn

P.S. Kind to myself. I'm writing it down. I promised."

"Doesn't Tracy have a game about cultist bunnies?"

"Sheep, I believe, and blood sacrifices, very much not Dawn. Perhaps she will visit with Sam and Liesa, she'd love the rose garden."

Nimue tapped the final letters on Shar's chest, laughing. "You'd have them all over if you could."

"Not quite." The redhead opened the next-to-last letter. "I'd certainly have Chloe over, Susan and her meeting would be noteworthy.

Shar,

I don't know how you knew about the shirts. I've lost three this month and I was starting to think it was just going to be my life now. The bra is — it fits perfectly, which shouldn't surprise me as much as it does, and I put it on and just stood there for a minute feeling like a person again. Thank you. Genuinely. That's such a specific and thoughtful thing to send someone and I don't quite have the words for how much it helped.

The rest of the letter was beautiful. "A miracle you've wanted for so long" — yes. That's exactly what it is. I didn't let myself want it for such a long time because wanting it felt like asking for too much, and then it just — happened. I'm still getting used to the idea that I'm allowed to have it.

Riley and Andy and all the others — I didn't expect any of that either, if I'm honest. I came here thinking I'd be lucky to get through without falling apart, and instead I got — this. All of them. I don't know what I did to deserve it but I'm trying to just let myself have it without picking it apart too much.

Thank you for watching. Thank you for the bra. Thank you for saying I deserve it, because some days I almost believe it.

With so much love,

Chloe."

Of course, Candy would probably hug her the whole visit once she finds out about her pregnancy."

"I expect her to start a pregnant contestants support group to match the master's one Laura started."

Shar plucked the final letter from Nimue's blue hands and tapped it on her lip in thought. "You'd think there would be more of that, but actual pregnant contestants seem quite rare."

"Harem Hotel is a sex show you know, not a maternity ward."

"Oh hush, it's as big a fetish as anything the show caters to, probably more about the anticipation than anything. Speaking of, last letter, and appropriately with Arabella's only Goth.

Shar,

I don't know what to do with "broken woman." I'm sitting here trying to decide if I'm offended and I think I'm not, which is probably its own kind of progress.

The Chloe part is true. The Andy part is true and harder to say. I got there. That's all I'm putting in writing.

The hair — I'm still figuring out what it can do. It can do a lot. Chloe thinks it's funny. I think she's right but I'm not telling her that.

I saw what you did with "the difficult times are not yet past." Sandwiched in the middle like that. I'm not asking what you meant. I don't think I want to know yet.

Riley

She has made quite a lot of progress, and Riloe is such a cute ship."

"Nothing on Samesa, of course." Nimue said playfully.

"Of course." Shar returned, deadpan. The undead host stood, with her blue-skinned lover easily held in her arms, and started walking towards her office door. "But I'll show you my favorite ship of all. Evelyn can hold down the fort for a while."

Musical laughter trailed all the way to Shar's bedroom.