We interrupt this program...

"Greetings, consumers of pornography. My name is Victor Hayden, and I appeared as an antagonist in the story A Reader's Crusoe, by Sumedokin, which the hosts of this program analyzed in a previous segment. Now if your have read said segment, and find that my name eludes you recollection, then rest assured that I am united with you in your confusion and disappointment. For even though I played a major part of that story, and was on the precipice of bringing chaos and destruction upon your world, it did not occur to the respected hosts to warrant a single mention, or even imply a character such as me existed! Now, clearly if they knew what they were doing, the ladies who go under the moniker of Marcie and Gina would see fit to speak only of me and my amazing and memorable performance, yet for reasons best known to themselves my presence was completely omitted from their presentation. Fear not, however. My retribution shall be swift, yet it shall not be void of the suffering that these hosts are so due. Soon enough they shall know the wrath of my zombie zebras, but before then I shall completely expose them as the frauds they are by picking apart their so called review, beating them in their own game and completely and utterly make the case that the abomination that passes for an entertaining review has no literary value whatsoever!

I am sorry to say this, consumers of pornography, but these ladies have utterly wasted your time with their fraudulent garbage, and I shall prove as much to your satisfaction in due time. However, for now let me introduce my guest, who shall assist me in this task. The antagonist of Santa's Bad End, also by Sumedokin, which miss Marcie and miss Gina has reviewed, miss Judith Hughes-Edwards."

"I go by Edwards-Hughes, Victor. But please, call me Jodie."

"Thank you, Jodie. Please, call me Mr Hayden. But that brings us to our first point of contention, is that not right, Jodie?"

"That is certainly right, Mr Hayden. My birth name is Judith Hughes, but I answer to Jodie, which is the name I introduce myself by and which I prefer to be called. Marcie and Gina called me by either of those names exactly zero times, instead referring to me as Judie. I do not now, nor in the foreseeable future, accept that the credit for my amazing performance shall fall to anyone called 'Judie'. It is Jodie. Judith if you prefer to be formal, although if you insist on being formal you may prefer miss Edwards-Hughes instead, and although I do not prefer to be addressed as such, it is acceptable if it means I will never again hear anyone call me... ahem... Judie."

"Indeed. Perhaps it was fortunate that I was spared being associated with their presentation. Obviously all they can offer is to tarnish my good name. Regardless, incompetence shall not exempt them from my vengeance. So tell us a little bit about yourself, Jodie."

"Originally I came from England, but really, I consider myself a citizen of the world. I have been seeking the humiliation and destruction of Santa Claus for the past, oh, three hundred and fifty years or so, so the vast majority of my life. As of late, however, I have been running a school to teach my gift of magic, though I am considering retiring once I have found someone worthy to inherit all of my secrets."

"I must say I would not have been able to guess you were English from your accent."

"It is as I just said, Mr Hayden. I am a citizen of the world, I have travelled almost all my life, but been mostly operating from the States."

"Now that does seem interesting, and I do wish we could continue pursuing this thread of conversation. However I do believe we have a vengeance to serve. Are you ready to proceed? "

"Certainly, Mr Hayden. I believe the best place to start would be with... the face."

"There is a face? Oh, yes! That face! I remember it so well! Who could forget the crude MS Paint drawing of that deranged smiling madman? Truly that is the face of a sociopath with a thirst for blood! And I should know a thing or two about sociopaths!"

"Ugh... that face is now burned into my retina and haunts my dreams. Thanks a lot, girls. Why was that even necessary?"

"But to celebrate their 100th review of course! It is a truly momentous occasion we are ruining!"

"But one hundred reviews have not even come to pass. The number is either too high or too low depending on what metric is used."

"Ah, so they have failed at the task of counting! Do not worry, ladies. It is just something that most people learn before kindergarten!"

“Thus she goes on a quest to save him.”
“Which involves talking to some insane elf in Santa’s bondage dungeon.”
“It does beg the question why Santa has a bondage dungeon for the clinically insane in the first place. The story itself comments on it, so I can’t harp on it too much but still…”

"So, Jodie, it appears that the author of the story being reviewed in this program, Sumedokin, has addressed this point sufficiently already in the comment section."

"Indeed so. Let us see what was related."

Ah, actually that question is answered in another Bad End story.

"Ah, yes. Unbeknownst to Marcie or Gina, they pondered on a question that, as it turns out, was already answered. They simply did not pay attention, and blamed their own ignorance on everyone else but themselves. How utterly vulgar, though nothing else can be expected, I suppose. I do like this answer, and yet there is something missing. It appears that Sumedokin forgot to relate in which story the answer is revealed, and what that answer is."

"I believe that is by design, Mr Hayden. He intends it as an exercise for the reader to figure it out, and lay the puzzle."

"Hmm... if that is his intention, then I shall make short work of the whimsical challenges he made for your entertainment. For you see, Jodie, this man played a crucial role in the miss Marcie and miss Gina robbing me of the attention and admiration I am due. In A Reader's Crusoe I appeared only in three scenes. Each appearance was of course a momentous occasion of the story that elevated it into the realm of greatness, though it was clearly not enough to inspire the admiration I so deserve in the hosts of this program. So no, Sumedokin shall not expect clemency, and in a glorious ploy, the name of the story to which he refers, and what secret it contains, shall be unceremoniously exposed!"

"But Mr Hayden, that is spoilers!"

"And this is what the author has wrought upon himself. Yes, Jodie. His little challenge shall be spoiled. Now, why do you not present to us the name of the Bad End about which Sumedokin was talking?"

"Uh... oh. But why me? I have no idea what he is talking about."

"I... beg your pardon?"

"I have no interest in this world wide web of yours. Does it have anything to do with this 'telegraph' I keep hearing about?"

"But you have to know something! Anything at all?"

"Well, do you not know the answer? "

"I do not engage myself in Bad Ends! I make them myself! For other people!"

"Hmm, but I do wonder... if there are so many Bad Ends on the site, then it must follow that it is in a story that has been reviewed in this program."

"Indeed! We have a clue! So where does that leave us?"

"Well, do you not read their reviews? That is why you are here after all."

"I only bother with the opinions of plebs such as these if I suspect I will be mentioned. Now that I understand that I never was, I am understandably furious."

"Then I am afraid Sumedokin will have evaded your **** for now."

"Truthfully so. But rest assured, he is mistaken if he believes he can sleep soundly."

“The first clue is the premise of the story, featuring a man that is unjustly imprisoned, second “Monte Cristo” is not only a reference to Christ, but has the same initials as “Merry Christmas” which was the last sentence the mad elf said to Hailey.”

“Well, I still believe Monte Cristo should have been the proper answer. I suppose I am just too smart for this nonsensical story.”

"Ah, yes. Sebastian. I remember him. Headstrong yet kind... just the kind of person I hate the most."

"Then you must have been most happy to have driven him insane in this endeavour."

"Not the outcome I was hoping for... but yes, it made me feel quite content."

"Well, the one called Marcie has made quite the bet... to engage herself in the exercise of 'it should have been written like this'. To declare oneself authority on the story the author himself wrote through his own ideas and efforts. An attempt at usurping the author as the one who best knows what kind of story should have been told. It is one thing to criticize the story, to point out its shortcomings and what it was missing that is present in other, better stories. It is quite another thing to declare one's owns ideas as superior and more befitting the story. If she is indeed correct, then this is the ultimate humiliation for Sumedokin, who will have to face the fact he did not know how to write his own story. In most cases, however, the critic will have been hoist with her own petard as she confidently spoke about a topic that was evidently not in her domain. This is our opportunity, Jodie. In either case we shall inflict grievous psychological injury to our enemies. Now which answer is truly the correct one."

"Ugh... I don't know, Mr Hayden. I don't like either of those answers. But at least Sumedokin makes a point to make fun of his own option. Marcie is just kind of... pridefully declaring that she prefers her own answer, which doesn't actually really make sense."

"Ah, so it is indeed Marcie that is in the wrong! I knew it!"

"Well... sure. Let's go with that. The problem with her theory is that the theme of the wrongfully imprisoned man only makes sense from her own perspective, when it was Sebastian's perspective that is relevant. He would never have hidden the pages after he became insane, and he certainly would not have had an opportunity to do so after he was imprisoned. As for 'Merry Christmas' being a clue... well, this is a common greeting for the holidays. Considering how likely it would have been for him to say this on Christmas regardless if it was the correct answer or not, it is not a great clue. Now, had he said this in response to Hailey inquiring about my organization from him, then I could have seen that. But that was the point of the riddle, wasn't it? Sebastian did answer Hailey... but in the only way he could."

"Ahahaha! You hear that miss Marcie? You are not as smart as you think you are! The author knows best what kind of story he wants to write! Your own opinion of what should have been written instead is but a fool's errand!"

“Ok, hold on. So the magic christmas powers make Santa old and fat? That’s the shittiest powers ever!”

"So... this Sumedokin is..."

"Yes, Sumedokin is into age regression; old people turning into young ones."

"...I am starting to question whether it was wise to engage on this endeavour."

"Moving along!"

“That takes one of the naughty girls out of the picture. And the second one decides to help Santa escape.”
“I swear, these bitches are all completely useless. But then again Judie is the only one of them that matters.”

"Finally these girls are starting to make some sense."

"I am afraid that is where you are wrong, Jodie my dear. For you see, their thesis here is that you alone get exposition in this story. The truth is that all of the villains got at least some background exposition. Even though yours was truly in the focus, no one was in truth neglected."

"Indeed. After all, it had been hinted that I had been alive for centuries already. I suppose at that point some explanations would have to be in order, and of course it is expected that whatever it turns out to be will be most interesting. It may well have been the case that none of us would have had any character development, which really was not required to be honest, But I suppose for this kind of critic the glass is always half full."

"You mean half empty?"

"I prefer my glass empty, thank you."

"But of course, they did neglect to mention how your minions were given some character development. Would you care to divulge something about them which would captivate our consumers of pornography?"

"Certainly. Tiffany was the muscle of the group. She was compelled to do something despicable when she was in service of her country, which caused enormous moral grievance that she learned to deal with. When she learned that she was on Santa's Naughty List, she took that as a sort of judgement from objective morality, and so she aided me in my pursuit to destroy him. Mandie was the tech-savy of the group. She started out helping me in order to access the Naughty List so she could help people, but I persuaded her to see things from my perspective."

"Ahh! I wish my mooks were as well -written as that!"

"To be fair, I highly doubt that Sumedokin will bother to develop any character that you are going to end up unceremoniously un-aliving."

"From now on I am going to background check my mooks for interesting backstories just so I can **** his hand!"

“You know, I actually like what sumedokin was going for with this one. And with over 50+ chapters, the majority of them depicting the events of one single night, it is a bit weird to say this, but it feels a tad rushed.”

"They might actually have a point there. What do you think, Mr Hayden?"

"Point? Point!? According to Sumedokin this piece took eight months to write, and he was finishing it off for Christmas!"

"That is... just kind of sad, really."

"Of course this story could benefit from being developed more! What story could not? But it was about making something for the holidays in the spirit of celebration!"

"About me and some gals having our way with Santa Claus?"

"There are many ways of celebrating the holidays!"

"But yes, I am with you. I do not think it was the intention of Sumedokin to make a story that addresses these themes from the start. But once the opportunity arises, should he leave it be and attempt something less compelling?"

"Compromise is the opposite of opportunity! "

“Anyways, it’s a bit weird that the ending feels so mean spirited. Like, nobody even seems to care that Santa is gone. Worse, Judie is responsible for turning Hailey into a succubus in the first place, so it’s almost like she won in the end.”

"Now finally they start saying smart things again. Even so, I am not inclined to agree with the first thing she said."

"Ah, yes. I believe Sumedokin was ahead of us this time too. Let us see what he has said!"

I mean, it's a bit of a strange thing to say considering the core premise of the story is the exact opposite of this; when Santa disappears, chaos ensues. Perhaps something different was meant by this, but I still don't think "mean spirited" would be the correct word to use.

"Yes, this might actually be the most inane thing they have said in this entire review. What is the story about, if not how devastated everyone becomes when Santa goes missing? This misses the point so much I am now uncertain we are speaking about the same story."

"Perhap... perhaps... but Jodie, he went missing twice after all. I do believe she is referring to the second time he goes missing."

"That would be committing a black swan fallacy, Mr Hayden. Even if no one on screen appears to grieve at the moment, that does not mean that no one is in fact grieving ever. In other words, the absence of evidence is taken for the evidence of absence, when it has not been justified why we would expect to find such evidence at this point. In fact, I would argue that the way the North Pole descended into chaos the moment communication broke is in and of itself evidence that the elves would be devastated this time also. Sumedokin would in my opinion not need to demonstrate that the elves became sad this time, since we already know how sad they become from past experience."

"Mhmm... yes... Ehehehehehehe! AHAHAHAHHAHAHA!"

"...What?"

"Well, you see, Jodie my dear... that was a valid point you made, but you did err in one respect."

"What is that?"

"Ahem... I hereby refer you to Santa's Bad End, Chapter 51:"

A blissful yet melancholy smile grew on Jess's face. The fear of never speaking to her good friend again subsided, but the joy which replaced it had to share her heart with a different fear; the fear that Hailey may no longer be her good friend. She was also angry. Angry that Hailey would dare steal away Santa when she knew what he meant to Jess

"Ah... so Jess did care that Santa was missing?"

"YES! YES!! WHAT THEY SAID WAS INHERENTLY AND UNFORGIVABLY UNTRUE! There is no question that at least one person cared deeply about Santa's disappearance every single time he disappeared! That means that they are WRONG!"

"Indeed... Jess broke into my house and started rough-housing me, so that point did not go past me."

"You can writhe and twist and turn this as much as you want, miss Marcie and miss Gina! The truth is plain for all to see! There is no denying it now; YOU ARE WRONG ON THE INTERNET! And now that we have exposed them as the charlatans they are and tarnished their good reputation forever, my screen-time, and the fact they called you Judie, has been avenged! I can only imagine how distraught they became over this utter humiliation."

"...and you do not have a girlfriend.... why?"

"Simple. There just is no specimen of high enough caliber for me ."

"Then you will recall the zombie zebras?"

"No. No, the zombie zebras are necessary for the completion of my vengeance. We shall release the swarm and let them writhe in the alliterative anarchy of my design. As for Sumedokin... let us see how he likes reducing my screen-time after we put some arsenic in his cornflakes."

"He does not eat cornflakes though. He seems to put crumbs of crisp bread in a bowl of milk."

"...wow. That is quite miserable indeed. Then here is my decree; for the crime of reducing my screen-time to three scenes in a story, I will make him continue to be Sumedokin. That is more of a punishment than I could ever imagine."

"Oh, the humanity. Well, Mr Hayden. Now that we are at the end of our feature, can you tell us whether you liked the story yourself?"

"I must say that it was a curious concept and an exotic combination. Unfortunately I remain unimpressed, for I have already read the greatest work of literature mankind has ever produced and ever will; Atlas Shrugged. All other written works now appear as human excrement to me. In this regard Sumedokin is not exceptional, but I would rather excuse myself from being exposed to human excrement regardless."

"Well, as for me, being a goth I revel in darkness and depression, which this story has in spades. I just rather it had not been about Christmas. Between the commercialism and light and cheeriness... that's just... ugh. But at least Sumedokin had the good taste of including me into it."

"Then it appears our mission is accomplished. How shall miss Marcie and miss Gina deal with this humiliation? Not to mention the zombie zebras? Only time will tell. For now, I must thank you for your participation, Judie. And I wish you good luck!"

"... what did you just call me?"

"I, uh... I mean... END TRANSMISSION!"