Wacko Science Standards

"Well, I mean... This is Wacko Science, so let's test it according to Wacko Science Standards!" Jim beamed.
"Wacko Science Standards!? What do you mean?".
"For example, what would happen if you were to turn into a bottle of water and I drink half of you?".
"Er, huh?" Gerald looked at him quizzically.
"Yeah! Or what if you were to become a bacteria and split into two? Or if I were to fuck and screw you? Do you suck dick btw?".
"..." Gerald looked at him with an open mouth. Finally he said "Son, I'd rather go the vanilla route if that is okay with you!".