True Self

In spite of everything, their age gap, the strange situation they shared, that he was supposed to be her ‘master’ now, and that he really didn’t even watch her show anymore anyway, Jake felt nervous as he waited in his room.

He just couldn’t shake the feeling that a celebrity was coming to visit. And unlike everyone so far but Julie, this girl was a stranger. Even Julie he’d at least known well at one point. That he was still insanely turned on for no reason, and that even as a stranger, Exe had featured in a fantasy or two, weren’t helping.

So he had one beer, and then another. Then began to tidy up, then tidied up again. He added another beer to the scoreboard, hoping the sharp edges of his anxiety would begin to fuzz over.

It wasn’t, he decided, just the stranger’s company that made him nervous. This morning’s reveal had been something more than off putting. The idea of each of the women around him putting him in some sort of false, perfectly catered reality was downright disturbing.

Even as much as he loved and trusted some of girls like AJ, Megan or Emily, it was a terrifying amount of control to cede; the sort of thing that made him question everyone’s motives. Of his own senses, even. If they could make him believe anything, how could he even trust the world around him?

Solipsism. Bad thoughts to fall into.

So he had another beer, and busied himself cleaning to take his mind off of it. It was a largely superfluous exercise. Between Amelia and Megan, the place was nearly immaculate. But despite that, and the fact that he really had no intentions with Exe at all, he still felt that everything needed to be perfect.

Exe certainly was when she arrived. She was radiant when she stepped off the elevator, instantly reminding Jake why he’d developed such a crush on her.

Her chestnut hair had been teased out into flowing waves that ended in ringlets, framing a face made up just enough to be insinuating without quite being trashy. She’d chosen a purple lipstick and eyeliner, a contrast with her sharp amber eyes that gave her a vaguely alternative look. She wore a black halter top printed with Japanese characters that stretched tight across her chest and midriff under a white leather mini jacket, and a purple tartan miniskirt over fishnet leggings. A pair of high heeled combat boots completed the ensemble.

She looked like a movie star.

“Heya,” She greeted with a confident smile.

“Hi,” He said, “You look amazing!”

“I know,” She said, brushing a curtain of hair back over her shoulder. “So do you, by the way.”

Jake looked down at himself. A pair of board shorts, and a cheesy-looking Hawaiian blue shirt that Megan had gotten for him years ago. Nothing special, nor even especially flattering.

“Oh yeah?” He asked curiously. “I’m not exactly dressed to the nines.”

She gave a shrug of her shoulder that felt more rehearsed than casual. An awful thought to have of a stranger who, if his sister was to be believed, was trying.

He tried to shake the doubt, but her next words only deepened it.

“You don’t need to work very hard on it,” She said. “You’re a handsome guy. And I really…admire the way you’ve handled all this.”

“Really?” He said, drawing back a bit, that sense of doubt growing on him.

“Yeah, sure.” She said, though she sounded less than sure of herself to Jake’s ears. “It’s been very…thoughtful. Of us, I mean.”

She took a seat next to him on the loveseat, crossing her legs. It hiked her skirt, and Jake found himself struggling not to pay too much attention to her tanned thigh, or the fishnets covering it.

“Uh, thanks,” He said, backing away from her a bit.

Exe wasn’t having it. She slid in closer, leaning in. Her halter pulled taught across her large chest, and he didn’t quite succeed in averting her gaze.

“Oh, come on,” She purred. “Don’t be shy. You’re too uptight in all this.”

Now he knew she was full of shit. The compliments had been one thing, but the breathy, come hither bullshit was a bridge too far. He drew back, a look of disgust on his face.

“You don’t mean any of this, do you?” He said.

The seductive look vanished from her face, replaced by one of shocked confusion.

“What?”

“I wasn’t supposed to say that, was I? I was supposed to eat the compliment up. Sleep with you.” Jake said, “You aren’t very good when you have to go off script.”

Exe folded her arms, looking cross.

“You’re no fucking better than Lacy was, are you?” She said. “Just assuming I’m like, fake, or whatever.”

“Well? Haven’t you been?” He countered. “You come in here clearly trying to butter me up. I know you treat this show like a popularity contest.”

“It is a popularity contest,” She interrupted. “They even have a popularity poll, for fuck’s sake.”

He furrowed his brow. She had a point, but so did he, and he wasn’t about to let her change the subject.

“Maybe, but that doesn’t mean you have to play to it all the time. I know you weren’t actually playing most of those games you streamed.” He said. “You don’t even go by your real name!”

“Oh, because you’re the fucking picture of honesty,” Exe said, her voice dropping into a mocking bass. “Oh, I don’t want to take advantage of anyone. I’ll just make out with one of my oldest crushes and sleep with another one, and eye fuck half the other girls around me.

She shook her head.

“Give me a break! You like playing the white knight in all this, but you hide behind Leah every time she has something unpleasant to say.”

That one stung, all the more because there was a ring of truth to it. When he retorted, his voice sounded sulky to his own ears.

“Oh, I thought I was being so thoughtful,” He said.

“Yeah, yeah. I was kissing your ass,” She said. “You want honesty? I think you’re boring. And a wimp. You don’t like all this, but you’re like, totally willing to take advantage of the perks. Even if you make yourself feel guilty about it later.”

Jake looked at her, stunned. The two stared each other down for a moment, before something in Exe broke. Her shoulders slumped, and she fell back into the chair behind her.

“Fuck!” She swore.

Her combat boot clad foot lashed out, striking an ottoman that toppled over. She put her head in her hands, looking straight at the floor.

Whatever sense of discovery or superiority Jake felt vanished in an instant, replaced by a stabbing guilt. What good was being right if all it did was make someone feel like that?

“Shit…I’m sorry,” He said.

“What. Ever.” She said, bitterly. “Nothing I’m not getting used to on this shithole island.”

“Listen…” He said, wanting to be conciliatory, but unsure of where he was going with it.

“No,” She said, raising a hand. “Fuck it. You meant what you said, and so did I. You wanted honest? Let’s not fake it all now.”

He frowned, unsure of what to say. The silence that fell over them was both long, and awkward.

“Look,” He tried again, though with no less an opening platitude. “I’m…sorry. I didn’t mean to make you feel shitty.”

She sighed.

“Sure. Nobody does, they just do it anyway.” She said. “Been a running theme lately.”

He gave her a long, serious look. Exe kept her eyes cast on the floor.

“Has it been that bad?” He asked quietly.

Her gaze turned up to his for a moment.

“No? I guess…” She shook her head. “I dunno. I feel like Megan’s the only one who doesn’t hate me, and no amount of anything I do is gonna convince them I’m not a fraud or whatever.”

“Hey, I really appreciate that, by the way,” He said. “You’re really fucking cool to her. And I know she’s…very happy to have a friend of her own here.”

He kept quiet his doubt that she was only cozying up to Megan as a means to get closer to him.

“Yeah. Thanks,” She said. “Megs is the sweetest. It’s like….”

She seemed to struggle for the thought.

“Like she’s so...I dunno the word for it.”

“Guileless?” Jake asked with a wan smile.

Exe frowned.

“What’s that mean?”

“Kind of…innocent. Like she doesn’t suspect lies because she can’t do it herself.”

“Yes!” Exe agreed, her eyes lighting up. “Exactly like that!”

Then she seemed to understand what she was saying.

“I mean, not that I am lying with her. She has a way of forcing that sort of thing out of you.”

Jake couldn’t help but chuckle. Even as a teenager, when Megan was a young girl, she had the power to **** confessions about the petty acts of juvenile delinquency he only occasionally engaged in.

“Yeah, I get that,” He said.

The tension seemed to have, if not broken, then at least eased. Still, the silence that fell over them was an awkward one. Exe still looked cross, hurt and miserable. Jake felt awful, but didn’t know what to say. He’d let his paranoia get the better of him and taken it out on his guest.

“Are we really stuck here all night?” She asked after a while.

“I’m afraid so,” Jake said with a frown. “Do you wanna...I dunno, play a game or something?”

Exe rolled her eyes.

“What, you wanna go a few rounds in Fortnite or whatever?”

Jake searched the recesses of memory, back to when he first started following her. One of the things he’d liked about her was the fun stuff she used to play.

“How about Tony Hawk?” He tried.

Her eyes shot up, meeting his.

“I fucking love Tony Hawk,” She said, wide eyed.

Jake stood and stretched.

“Alright. Let me show you to my basement, then.”

*****

“Do I really have to do this?” Jake asked almost an hour later.

“Awww,” Exe faux pouted. “Someone surprised he’s getting beaten by a girl?”

“No. I mean, I don’t care about that,” He stammered, looking down at his half naked body. “It’s just kind of embarrassing to sit here like-”

“Because, if I were you, getting beaten like a rug by a fake gamer, I’d be really embarrassed,” She teased, interrupting him.

“Hey, I already apologized for that.”

“Mhhmmm,” She said, nodding, “And now it’s time for actions to speak as loudly as words.”

She waved a hand at him.

“Come on, master,” She said, mockingly. “Pants off.”

Jake sighed, then loosened the shorts, slipping them off and kicking them aside. He was down to nothing but his boxers now, while Exe had only lost her top. If anything, the large bosom on display just next to his arm wasn’t helping his concentration.

They (or more accurately, she) had conceived of the strip skating game after they’d run about even through their first two matches.

“You’re rusty,” He’d foolishly consoled her at the time. “Don’t sweat it.”

She’d given him a bemused look at that point.

“Rusty? How do you know I’m not lulling you into a false sense of security.”

Jake was puzzled.

“For what? To protect my feelings.”

“Maybe,” She said with a shrug. “I dunno how you react to getting shown up.”

“Exe,” He said pityingly, “I’ve been fucking around on Tony Hawk since I was a teenager. I’m…pretty good at these games.”

“Yeah, but I played them professionally. And pretty well,” She said.

There was a twinkle in her eyes that he hadn’t seen before. She seemed to be genuinely enjoying herself. Somehow, it only emboldened him.

“Okay. If you’re convinced you’re that much better than me, let’s lay something on it.” He challenged.

“Like what?” She’d asked. “Money doesn’t do us a lot of good here. And we both have a shitload of it anyway. You can’t bet points or whatever, since you’re not a contestant.”

Jake thought it over.

“I guess I could give you a better grade on the challenge or something…”

She waved a hand.

“That’s cheating.”

She turned toward him on the couch, sitting with her legs tucked beneath her.

“Tell you what. Let’s do it strip poker style,” She said. “Every round I win, you take something off, every round you win, I do.”

He frowned. Was this another come on attempt? It was the easiest way, and more intriguing than he’d care to admit. But still…

“I dunno,” He said. “I wouldn’t make you uncomfortable.”

At this, she laughed; a spontaneous, musical sound that brought a smile to his face in spite of his doubts.

“Friend, you’ll be bare ass by the time you’ve gotten me out of my shirt,” She said. “But I’ll tell you what; if you start feeling uncomfortable, just let me know and I’ll show you some mercy.”

As it turned out, he needn’t have worried about her virtue. He’d notched one extremely close win in the five matches they’d played, but the rest of the games had been blowouts.

“You wanna go for one more?” Exe asked with a smile.

Jake looked down at his boxers, then imagined trying to play the game without them. The cat was already out of the bag on his seemingly permanent erection, but it would be impossible to ignore if he lost again.

“Nah…you win,” He said with a chuckle. “I surrender.”.

“I win and?” She inquired.

He sighed, but there was a smile on his face.

“You win, and you’re not a phony,” He said. “Your goodness surpasses mine in every way imaginable. I can only dream of one day getting good enough to play on your vaunted level.”

“Good boy,” She said, patting his thigh. Then she seemed to hesitate. “And uh…thank you.”

Jake shrugged.

“You won fair and square.”

But Exe was shaking her head.

“Not for that. I totally kicked your ass. I’m a little surprised you can still sit on it after how hard I kicked. I mean, if my ass had been kicked like that…”

“Okay, okay. You made your point.” Jake interrupted.

He was smiling as he said it though, and so was she. Never, either in the time he’d watched or spent with her, had he seen her smile so genuinely. It made her insanely beautiful.

“But seriously, what are you talking about?” He said.

“I haven’t had that much fun playing games in years,” She said. “I got into all this shit because it was something I loved. It just hasn’t felt that way in a long time.”

She squeezed his hand.

“It’s good to have fun with it again. Really good.”

She leaned up to give him a kiss on the corner of his mouth. It lingered just a bit too long to be merely friendly.

Jake’s control slipped. Later, he’d reflect that he’d spent too many days aroused and frustrated. Or maybe he just wanted to and was tired of pretending otherwise. Whatever instinct had possessed him, he leaned in and returned the kiss; no gentle peck, but a full, open mouthed, passionate kiss.

She pulled back, her amber eyes searching his. Then something in them softened.

“Fuck it,” She said, and wrapped her arms around him to pull him into a kiss.

She pulled back, hiking her skirt. She hooked her thumbs beneath the lacy black panties beneath them, and gave them a tug. He saw a brief, tantalizing glimpse of what lay beneath it before it fell back down. Then she swung her leg around, straddling him on the dingy couch.

Jake’s logic, caution, and better judgment vanished in an instant. He gave a hungry groan, fumbling at her bra.

“Mmm…down boy,” She said, pushing his hands away.

She reached unclasped her bra, tossing it aside to reveal a perky and magnificent pair of breasts. Then, she pulled down his boxers, revealing the throbbing, painful erection that had plagued him for days. Hiking her skirt, she drew closer to him, sliding her warm, wet slit along the length of him. Jake shuddered. He didn’t think he could have been any more eager, but somehow, she’d managed.

She leaned in, kissing his neck and nibbled his ear, all while continuing to tease his cock.

“Jesus you’re fucking good at this,” He breathed, alarmed by how ragged his voice came out.

“Mmm…you were pretty eager,” She said between kisses.

Then, she inexplicably pulled back, a look of concern on her face. His brain was so far removed from his body that it took him a moment to process.

“What’s wrong?” He asked.

“Are you…sure about this?” She asked. “I mean…I’m cool if you are. But like, I don’t want you to feel guilty or whatever.”

“I appreciate your concern, but right now, I really, couldn’t possibly give a shit,” He breathed, pulling her into a kiss.

She seemed to savor it for a moment, before leaning in to whisper in his year.

“Well then buckle up,” She said with a smile.

She shifted, sliding over him. Her arms tightened around his neck, and she let out a satisfying moan that made him twitch inside of her. Her hips moved in a slow roll, as though she were savoring him. He groaned, grip tightening on her waist, even though he had no intention guiding her. Was she savoring him, or him her? It was no longer possible to tell.

His strokes matched time with hers, gradually picking up pace. Soon, any pretense of teasing, foreplay or anything other than animal lust had been abandoned. The room filled with the sounds of slapping flesh, and the moans of one of them or the other.

It was all a blur.

She came first, arching her back and cupping her breasts. Almost instantly, he exploded inside of her before he could do anything to stop it.

They fell atop one another on the couch, panting, him above her, barely supporting himself with one arm.

“Did I call you boring?” Exe asked, breathless. “Jesus Christ. I was wrong. At least here.”

The sally sparked something in him; something primal that existed somewhere between anger and pride. He titled her head up, then kissed her deeply.

“You wanna see boring? I’ll show you boring.” He said.

She returned the kiss as though it were a challenge, and he pinned her down into the couch as he took her again.

Exe - +3 VP. Parasocial Relationship

*****

Later, when it had all passed, the two lay together on the couch, now naked in one another’s arms. It was only when the fever passed that he realized how hellishly uncomfortable the couch actually was. Though between all the pent up frustration, the night he’d spent on the floor, and the brain melting fuck he’d just enjoyed, he was too tired to care overmuch.

In fact, he was about to doze off when Exe spoke up.

“That…was exceptional,” She said into the void. “I was only teasing about the boring thing, but holy God…”

She gave a moan that was, he hoped, too satisfied and too tired to be anything but genuine.

“I…uh,” He fumbled. His full consciousness was only just beginning to surface, and it fumbled at whatever driftwood it could. “Are you really bi?”

It was an inelegant question; an even rude one, if the varnish was stripped off. But she only answered by nodding against his chest.

“Why do you ask?”

“I don’t know,” He said truthfully. “I guess…how do I compare?”

Her groan, this time, was not sensual in the slightest.

“We actually had a pretty good night. Don’t turn into a fucking guy on me now,” She groused.

“Guess I deserved that,” He admitted. “Sorry. Let’s just…”

She slid a lazy finger over his lips.

“Just…shut the fuck up for a sec. Don’t be a Megan.”

Jake decided this was good advice, and nodded. Exe rested her head back on his shoulder. She also seemed to be dozing. For no other reason than that it felt like the right thing to do, he ran his fingers through her hair. It was full, silky, and she seemed to have no objections to it, so he continued to stroke it.

Still, he felt like he should say something. Yet, nothing came. Again, it was Exe who filled the breach.

“I don’t put on a face because I love doing it,” She said, apropos of nothing. “Like, how I act, or whatever. It’s like…”

“Hey, it’s okay,” He said, more out of reflex than conviction.

She propped herself up on his chest, staring down into his still-glassy eyes.

“No, shut up,” She insisted, “This is important.”

Jake, through years of turning clients’ needs into stock sales or acquisitions, knew a good time to shut his face when he heard one.

“I just…” She struggled for a thought, lost it, then took a deep breath.

“I’ve been streaming since I was 18,” She said. “I know it’s like, only three years, but it’s just gotten more and more like, constant or whatever.”

She sighed.

“It was fun when I started, y’know?” She said. “But then I got a lotta money. And it was cool. I moved my family into a new place. I paid off our debt. It was awesome!”

“That is awesome,” Jake agreed, stroking her hair. “It’s amazing that you can help your family like that.”

“I mean, it was,” She said. “Then my folks were like ‘what if we could retire early?’, ‘what if you could put your brother through college’. And I was proud of all that stuff, but…”

Exe collapsed on Jake’s chest then, making the sort of tired sound that disabused him of any notion that she wasn’t an adult.

“It became my life. Everything was money. Every chore got put up on tik tok, I spent four to eight hours a day streaming…I even started filming in the gym…”

“I remember when…” Jake chimed in, meaning to say when she got in trouble for that, before he thought better of it. “That whole thing.”

“I got chewed out,” She said. “And I deserved it, but like, I’m a breadwinner, y’know?”

She seemed to shrink against him, curling into his chest as she turned from a gorgeous, shapely woman into an earnestly sad ball.

“I don’t feel like I have a life of my own anymore.”

Jake knew a good time for sympathetic noises when he saw one.

“I’m sorry…” he said. “I really didn’t know.”

“No…” She said with a sigh. “You wouldn’t. And like, whatever. It is what it is. But…it’s good to talk about, I guess.”

She relaxed, unfolding against him.

“It’s just that when you guys say stuff like, ‘just be yourself’, I’m not even sure what that’s supposed to mean.”

Jake thought that over. He supposed, only now in retrospect, that he had no idea what it was like to what it was like to be in her shoes. To grow up in anything but an environment like he had, where he was not only allowed, but encouraged, to be anyone he wanted.

“Well, I guess I’ve never had to ask,” He admitted. “But I think being ourselves is something we all have to figure out for ourselves.”

Exe shook her head.

“Whatever, like…I’m not sympathy hunting, y’know?” She said. “But you and most of this fucking island seem to think I’m some awful, phony person. And I just want you to know that at some point, I’ve been Exe so long that I don’t even remember who Sabrina is.”

She let herself collapse back on his chest, and shrank up again. She didn’t say anything for a long time, and he held her close. Mostly, it was because he didn’t know what else to do.

Finally, after a long silence, Jake put two fingers under Exe’s chin to get her attention. Her tired amber eyes turned up to his.

“Thank you for letting me know,” he started.

But that sounded shitty to his own ears. What the fuck did she owe him? Nothing.

“I…uh,” He tried. “You’re a lot cooler than I thought you were.”

Still pretty weak. Not enough.

“And I’m sorry I was such an asshole,” He admitted. “You didn’t owe me anything, and I was wrong to make assumptions.”

This time, it was his turn to give a gentle, friendly kiss. He planted it on the corner of her mouth, just as she had him, but let it linger no longer than was necessary to convey its sincerity.

“I’m sorry.” He repeated. “ And if we’re really all stuck together, let’s start fresh.”

She gave him a tired squeeze.

“Deal. And uh…can you call me Sabrina, from now on?” She requested.

Jake furrowed his brow.

“Wanna reclaim the old you?” He asked.

Ex…Sabrina, raised her hand and made a see-saw gesture with it. He chuckled in spite of himself; it was one of Megan’s favorites, and he had no doubt where it had come from.

“Trying it on for size,” She said. “Between you and me, to start.”

He hugged her.

“Alright. You’ve got yourself a deal.”

*****

Exe…Sabrina…whatever…stumbled back into her room the next morning. She and Jake had enjoyed a sweet, though somewhat awkward departure that morning. Neither had slept much at all that night, and although the sex had been incredible, she was profoundly exhausted.

She suspected that was as much from the confessions as it was anything else. Even now, she was still unsure whether it was relieving or embarrassing to let all that out.

It was late morning by the time she walked in, and the bright tropical sun was painting her underwater haven in blues and greens, with passing fish refracting the light like an organic disco ball.

“Heya, Exe,” Megan said from the shadows.

She turned on her heels to find her roommate sitting in the shadows, a pair of earbuds stuffed in her ears. Megan giggled, as she removed them.

“Sorry,” She said, dropping her signature line. “I didn’t mean to scare you.”

Exe…Sabrina…whatever…sighed.

“You’re fine. Jesus Christ, stop apologizing all the time,” She said.

She moved over, taking the chair on the opposite of the little table separating the two living room chairs. She collapsed into it.

“Y’know, I just told Jake to start calling me by my name,” She said. “I guess I oughta say the same for you.”

Megan smiled brightly, and its earnestness and sweetness made Exe…no…Sabrina…smile in return.

“That’s awesome!” Megan said. “So you and Jake had a good night? Yay! Tell me all about it!”

So she did, recounting every detail of the evening. It felt, refreshingly, like talking to an old friend. Megan was a new one, but a true one. And at the moment, that meant everything.

When she brought up her confessions, and Jake’s insistence that she needed to “figure out how to be herself, for herself”, Megan only giggled.

“That’s my brother,” She said. “Well meaning, but inexperienced.”

Sabrina…and she was sure that’s what she wanted now…cocked her head.

“What do you mean?”

“I’m not entirely sure,” Megan said, then quickly corrected herself. “Well…I am. But I need a moment to articulate it.”

“To what?” Sabrina asked.

“To put it into words,” Megan said, without any pretense at all.

After a moment, she spoke up.

“Jake’s never had to question who he is, or what he’s about,” Megan said. “Not like you or I have.”

Sabrina was puzzled.

“Megs, I’ve never seen you be anything other than yourself,” She said. “You gotta break this down for me.”

Again, Megan paused. To Sabrina, she seemed like a supercomputer processing an important problem.

She took a roundabout way of going about it.

“I ‘came on’ to AJ the other day,” Megan said, performing air quotes. “I wanted her to sleep with me. I dunno if I wanted her to or not, but I just wanted to know one way or the other if I was into…girls, I guess. Or to even try sleeping with anyone. So I asked her.”

Sabrina furrowed her brow.

“Uhm, sorry to hear that,” She said.

“No, no…” Megan said, taking a breath. “Look…I didn’t know I was missing out on things until I started spending time with all of you. I mean, I have friends and whatnot, but I didn’t even realize I was lonely until I came here.”

Sabrina cocked her head.

“You were lonely, Megs?” She asked. “Everyone loves you here.”

“Yes! Everyone’s been great,” Megan agreed. “And that’s how I learned how badly I needed.”

“I’m sorry, I’m still not following you,” Sabrina said.

“I know, I’m not expressing myself very well,” Megan agreed. “But what I’m trying to say here is that Jake is wrong, if well intentioned. Not only would it be a mistake to try to find yourself on your own, I don’t even think you can.”

She smoothed her skirt and tried again. She reminded Sabrina of some of the teachers she’d had before.

“What I’m learning here is that we need other people to learn about ourselves. Our boundaries, our needs, our shortcomings…what we even want out of life. We can’t understand any of that without learning it through others,” Megan said. “We need each other to complete the puzzle.”

Sabrina thought it over.

“Well, it sounds like we both have some work to do,” She said. “But I’m in it if you are. Whatever else comes out of this shit show, I’m glad I met you.”

Megan gave her a smile, and Sabrina stood up.

“And we’re gonna start tonight,” She said. “We’ve been invited to a party.”

“Oh, I was planning to stay in, I think,” Megan said “I’ve got some material about the facility I’d like to…”

But she trailed off when she saw the look Sabrina was giving her.

“Sor…” Megan started.

But Sabrina stared her down even harder, putting her hands on her hips to drive home the effect. She was only able to hold it for a moment longer before both girls broke into giggles.