Trauma leads to panic

With Maddam leaving the door a crutch holding up my courage was snatched away from me. The words Elle spoke about being more demanding also weighed on me. She was more right than she knew, I had sought out this work because I loved sex but also to recover from the trauma of what had happened in high school. Having sex under my own control, paid for and carefully monitored gave me a sense of control that I had lost.

Carefree and loving I had been violently taken advantage of by a senior. Refusing to be a victim, I had wrapped the memory into my own an-echoic chamber - a place where the event was - metaphorically - more than silenced. The famed Microsoft campus chamber reduced sound to -21 decibels - so all I could hear was my own heart, the flow of my blood and none of the raging terror that had gripped me during my ... rape. The event was jailed forever deep inside me.

Now however with Maddam gone, the room had gone quiet with only the silent commanding presence of Elle I was thrown back into that place I had created to smother the grief my attacker had done to my carefree soul. The half crouched immobilisation and limited sight made me aware of my own heartbeat, of the tenseness in my stomach and the flow of my blood through the constricted wrists and ankles. Closing my eyes was a mistake as it shut out the contact with Elle and now I saw only the face of my attacker - leering madly the sight scarring my mind allover . Gone was the sweet scent of Maddam and Elle or the arousal - instead the naked gripping fear squeezed my heart as his stink and cloying warmth threatened to envelop me. The chamber I had created was his dungeon but now with me trapped in there with him. Tears burst suddenly from eyes and wetted Elle's hands - the sudden change in my demeanour must surely have taken her by surprise as much as the return of the nightmare that haunted me for months after the event.

Why? - why? why!? - I had put it behind me and now of all times when I had to perform I stumbled and fell - spiraling back into the clutches of my tormentor. My careful choice to become a whore ripped from me by the man that almost broke me. My breathing became ragged close upon hyperventilation - I was - as one says - losing my shit.

"Oh child. Shush - here feel me, hold me take my strength."

In a place of utter silence, Elle's voice pierced the silence, the veil of darkness and my attacker's presence was banished as suddenly as he had appeared. My eyes flew open and gazed into the grey-green eyes of Elle, they had lost that intense confidence that had intimidated me but were like the soft green colour of a deciduous forest. The eaves lit by a gently setting sunlight that offered cool, quiet, caring comfort. I had the oddest sensation of falling upwards and into Elle's arms before I gave myself over to her completely, all fear, emotion, stress, even ego momentarily floating or even drawing on her strength.