Those Wacky Gotham Knights

"So, do I call you Mr. Wayne, Bruce, or Batman? I am just going to call you sir. So I should probably walk you through my chain of thought as it all happened, otherwise it all does seem like a lot of far fetched coincidences.
"After thinking it over, it made sense that it might be a good idea to get the world's greatest detective to look into my case. So I decided to begin my search for my father in Gotham. I figured that if The Batman was my father then done in one and if you were not my dad, then maybe you can figure out who is.
"So we arrive in Gotham, get settled in and brainstorm how to get in touch with you. A lot of suggestions get thrown around like go around fighting crime until you show up or to destroy some buildings and cars and threaten to destroy more stuff if you did not show up. But what we agreed as the plan least likely to annoy you was to just ask Commissioner Gordon to use the bat signal.
"We went to the police station, they said Commissioner Gordon was busy and they also told me that the bat signal is not for making personal calls. I figured that if he was busy at work, then we should wait for him at home.
"Mrs. Gordon is such a lovely woman. She invited us in and made us feel at home while we waited for her husband.
"When Jim did arrive home, he was naturally curious about who I was and what I was doing in his home. Once I explained my plight, The commissioner agreed to contact you that evening. As we would have to wait a few hours, the Gordon's invited us to stay for dinner.
"we are all enjoying a nice meal when Jim's daughter Barbara comes home and sees us all laughing and having a good time. Barbara exclaims 'Artemis? Cassie! What are you doing here?' Cassie answers, calling Barbara 'Barbs' like they are old friends as she tells her that she broke up with Tim and she is helping me find my father.
"So I ask 'How do you two know each other?' And Cassie starts talking about covert operations in Biyalia and getting training from you in stealth reconnaissance. Barbara was naturally quite upset at having her secret identity as Batgirl revealed, but once she understood who I am and the nature of our relationship, she became enthusiastic to help me and told me the secret identity of The Batman.
"Barbara advised that rather than use the bat signal that I come over in the morning with steamed buns and green tea from that little corner store in Little Tokyo.
"So I woke up this morning, grabbed a bakers dozen from Shinjiro, and was shown into the East Gallery by Alfred. I quite imagine that you being you you already know the rest."

***

I stood there are Bruce Wayne glared at me as I finished my story. Naturally I left out some of the details like how Jim Gordon came home to walk in on his wife giving me a foot massage. Luckily that man did not take but a glance to enthrall.

I did not think I needed to tell Batman how I had Wonder Girl give the commissioner a blow job to thank him for his hospitality. I definitely did not think Jim Gordon would want me telling The Batman how Artemis decided she wanted to take Gordon against the wall, how Jim politely declined on account of being married, then got his clothes torn off before getting handled by a horny Amazon warrior woman.

And I just knew that if The Goddamned Batman knew that I had spent the previous night in bed with Jim Gordon's wife and daughter while the commissioner watched us from a nearby laz-e-boy, his hands forbidden from leaving the arm rests, he would not be inclined towards assisting me, and start prepping.

Luckily, The Batman might be the world's greatest detective, and the scariest mortal I have ever met, he does not actually know everything, and for the moment, Batman did not know that Commissioner Gordon and Batgirl were my thralls.

"Show me the watch." The Batman ordered. I removed the pocket watch on a gold chain necklace from its pocket dimension and placed it in the plastic bag Alfred had waiting and open. "I will look into it. Now I need you to do something for me." Bruce Wayne walked up to a clock and opened a secret passage to a flight of winding steps into the darkness where a normal human would get lost unless they know to follow the sound of the bats. I just followed the infrared light towards the combined workshop and command center.

"How do you keep the bats from shitting on everything?" I asked as a now fully caped and cowled Batman pulled up information on his computer.

"They know where it goes." Was the only answer I got. "Poison Ivy and her girlfriend Harley Quinn have unleashed a tree kaiju that has wreaked havoc on South Gotham." Videos played of what looked like a tree the size of a sky scraper using its branches and roots like tentacles to grab and throw everything it touched. The tree crept through the streets towering over the ten story buildings smashing everything in sight leaving trails of green grass and flowers in her wake. "Fourteen people died before the peninsula was evacuated. So far the army is keeping it contained, but that will not last. I am working on an effective herbicide, but it will take time we do not have.
"Superman is off with the green lanterns in space, Wonder Woman is with Dr. Fate on a diplomatic mission to Asgard, and the Titans are busy with a crazy topping pizza contest." Batman looked at me, then looked at the screen. "You think you can handle it?"

"Smash the monster? Consider that tree to be mulch." I said.

"There is more. Ivy and Harley will be there. Find them and bring them to me, alive. I have questions for them." Said The Batman.

"They will sing like song birds for you, sir." I said. The Batman pointed towards the batwing and batsub's exit. "The steamed buns were delicious." Was the closest thing I was going to get to a good bye. After a brief swim through the chilly north Atlantic waters I flew up and got a good view of Wayne Manor from the air on its distinct cliff side view of the sea to the east and the city to the south and west. I admired the elegant homes of the wealthy Gothamites in their country estates on the northern boundary of the city, then turned and flew to the other end of the city towards the sound of howitzer shells striking an angry monster.