The truth... I'm leaving

“No, you’re not,” she says as a reaction, then in disbelief. “You’re not leaving.”

“I am,” you sigh. “I don’t want to be here anymore than I already have. The company has outsourced me to fill a blank spot with a guild toward Kansas.”

“Then come back when you’re done. You don’t need to leave. You have everything here, you know?”

You shake your head. “No… Grace… I want to do this. I want to contract and get out there and see what else is in this part of the world. I’m not going to do that if I stick around here.”

She looks at you and grabs your shoulders. “Then I’ll go with you.”

“Grace…”

“No!” She laughs. “I’m serious. I can go with you.”

“Grace…”

She tilts her chin and lifts an eyebrow. “Just because I don’t do fieldwork with you doesn’t mean I can’t handle myself. I was the one who taught you to shoot, remember? I’m not rusty.”

“It’s dangerous. I don’t want you to get hurt.”

“Of course, it’s dangerous!” Grace snaps, her cool warming now. “I know it’s dangerous! I filled out the forums and read the reports. Is that alright? Now, shut up. When are we going? I’ll pack tonight and meet wherever we need.”

You falter, seeing the tears reflect the moonlight. “I can’t risk you getting hurt for something I want to do. Stay with your family and friends here. I’ll come back and visit… probably stay.”

“Warren... You’re going to change. Look how different the outsiders are from the people who live here. If you’re going to change, let me change with you. I’ll even keep you on the track of sanity.”

In return, you grab her wrists. “Grace… There is no future for you outside of the stomping grounds. Don’t make me be the person who takes that from you.”

There’s a strange look in her as the moonlight catches it. You can’t read it. Anger, you think at first, but then decide it’s sadness. No, it’s not that either. It’s disbelief. “Alright,” she nods. “I love you. Is that what you wanted to hear? I love you, Warren, and I don’t want you to go.”

“Don’t do that, Grace.”

“Please,” she exhales and folds herself into you. “Please don’t go.”

An internal debate of self-gain and interest battles against what is right and likely the best thing to do for not just Grace but especially yourself. However, you push the feelings you developed for Grace aside and focus on yourself. You want to dip your feet into the field of contracting and bounty hunting. Preferably bounty hunting…

“I’m leaving at the beginning of the year,” you say carefully, and she tenses. “I’ve been meaning to tell you sooner, but I was worried this would happen.”

She shoves you back. “I was going to say what we’ve all been feeling, finally?!” Grace shivers and then hugs you again before apologizing. “I can’t change your mind… So I shouldn’t make this any more difficult than it already is…”

Your heart knots as your stomach twists. You hold her, the voice telling you to stay muffled as soon as you hear the acceptance. The voice you sometimes wish you had listened to. “I want to do this, Grace. But I don’t want to get anyone killed in the process of following my interest.”

“I get it,” she sighs, her face inside the crook of your shoulder. “I understand. I suppose… I should have seen this coming. You’ve always talked about going out there.”

You stifle a grimace and squeeze her one more time before pulling back. Grace’s face is soft and only a little damp. She smiles and holds your cheek. “Can I at least get a kiss before you run off?”

“A kiss?” You chuckle, grabbing her cheek, too. It feels so natural, even though this is the first time you’ve done something like this with her. Your mind blurs over briefly with visions of having a family with her, but you block it with some effort, trapping yourself in the moment. “Just a kiss?”

Grace looks away, rolling her eyes. “Just a kiss. I wouldn’t want to torture my body with what it would be like without you if I surrendered everything to you.”

You don’t answer, but you lean in and kiss her. She licks her lips in anticipation and then studies you closely before closing her eyes. Grace’s first kiss, but not yours. She leans in, giving in with a little moan. You feel her warmth and the softness of her lips as they press against you. When it breaks, she lets out a nervous laugh. “Wow. Practice much?”

“You’re a natural,” you remark, opening your eyes. You’re about to say it felt good but feel embarrassed about bringing up what was unmistakably perfect. She nods slowly, making it known she wants more, which you oblige.

Grace holds her breath as you lean in and kiss again. It’s just as good as the first one, but she abandons her guard and leans in, moaning a little louder this second time. It’s long, and time gets lost as the world dulls into silence, allowing only the clicking of your joined tongues and mouths to echo outward into the field beside you. When the kiss breaks, she pulls back, exhales tightly, and curses. “I don’t want you to go, Warren.”

“I’ll be back,” you whisper. “I’ll see you again.”

“You’ll forget me,” she worries. “I’ll be replaced.”

“Never,” you say.

“You will,” she leans in and kisses you again. “But I’ll be here waiting for nothing. Please don’t go.”

“You cannot say anything right now that will make me change my mind,” you say softly, trying hard not to break her heart further than you already have. She looks at you with glossy eyes and trembling lips. She nods, looking away. Her body stiffens, and she looks at you firmly one last time.

“Then we better make this a Christmas to remember, shouldn’t we?”

You chuckle lightly, wiping the one stray tear away from Grace’s cheek. “How?”

“I don’t want to remember this night as the time you…” she struggles to find the words. “I want to see this night as something that could have been instead.”

“Grace,” you exhale, struggling for the same reasons. “I don’t think that would be a good thing…”

Her face tightens, and she hits your shoulder. “Have you been fucking some broad I don’t know about? Is spending one night with me as horrible as cheating on a lover?”

“It’s not that,” you blush, half wondering if she’s trying to seduce or trick you into staying by bedding you. Some kind of guilt trip. “It’s just strange, isn’t it? I’m ready to leave, but you’re still thinking about having me?

Grace glares at you like she’s trying to decide whether to tear into you verbally or just leave. She sighs and hugs you. “It’s my final request, OK? I’d rather torture myself with what it would have been than wonder what it could have been while you’re gone.”

“I’ll come back,” you try again, but it falls short.

“You’ll cross the border, and we’ll never see each other again, Warren. How many people have you seen leave and come back? And if they do, are they ever the same person? I want to be with the Warren I know… tonight… Can’t you give me that?”

What’s the right answer? Your throat dries up, and your cheeks flare up. Grace sees this and smiles softly, bringing her palm to your cheek before grinning. “Let’s go back to my place.”

“Alright,” you sigh, feeling the flutter of butterflies take flight in your stomach. “Lead the way, Grace.”