The night

The night is cozy, if not exactly comfortable. Morning is horrible. Emerging from the sleeping bag into the cold is the worst. The wind howls and snow swirls through the air outside the cave.

But you survive it, and just like Lara said, it’s not that much farther to where you’re going: a cave in the mountainside. Climbing with ropes and axes, you reach it, and Lara helps you clamber up over a stone ledge. Instead of using the perfectly good flashlights that you brought, she lights a torch and holds it up as you advance into the cave.

Weirdly, it feels warm in here. It’s one thing to be out of the wind, but this seems like something else. It gets even weirder… the deeper you go into the cave, which is huge, you start seeing plants. You know there aren’t supposed to be plants in caves. That seems weird, right?

You step on the first trap, and you didn’t even see it. Lara knocks you flat as something flies overhead.

“Huh,” Lara says, looking puzzled. You are both lying on the floor of the cavern. “I didn’t think there’d be those here. This is supposed to be a fun goddess.”

“We are so leaving,” you say.

Lara sighs. “All right. Can’t expect you to do traps. Sorry, Beth. I really thought this would be an easy one.”

You look at the blade stuck in the wall of the cave.

“What’s a hard one look like?” you demand.

Lara helps you stand up. “We’ll go back. I said I was sorry. Didn’t I?”

She totally almost just got you killed. Like, climbing the mountain was dangerous enough. This? This is crazy. Lara doesn’t even seem to mind.

“Come on,” she says, taking your hand and leading you along, as though you’re strolling home after class. She casts a regretful look over her shoulder and sighs. “I’ll come back another time.”

“Why do you do this? Why would anyone do this?” you demand. She’s mad.

“Well, my Dad used to do it,” she replies with a shrug, kind of looking as though nobody’s ever asked her that before.

She stops, and you look ahead: there’s a shadow on the wall of the tunnel. Someone’s coming.

“Oh dear,” Lara says, squeezing your hand.

“Who’s that?”

“Must’ve followed us. Probably not a nice person,” Lara says.

Well… she would know. She yanks you around and starts pulling you the other way.

You step on another trap, and she pulls you to safety as the floor falls away. You shriek, and she laughs, keeping on.

You hear footsteps behind you. Lara pulls her pistol and twists around to fire a pair of warning shots back down the tunnel. The shots make your ears ring.

Lara points out a tripwire, and you both jump over it, rushing out of the tunnel and into a huge chamber, which has a statue of a naked woman with a huge cock in all four corners. It’s the same woman, just four different statues of her. The nearest one appears to be touching herself.

And the rest of the chamber is all like fancy carved rock and stuff, like a temple or something. There’s a huge hole in the middle of the floor, and water and stuff down there. Plants are all over, and there’s light from glowing crystals and mushrooms. You’ve never seen anything like this. Lara doesn’t seem impressed.

There’s a platform above the hole in the ground, and a narrow walkway to reach it. Lara doesn’t hesitate: she runs across, pulling you along behind her. It’s terrifying! You’re so far up!

But you reach the platform.

“There you are, darling,” Lara says, approaching the little statue on the pedestal. It looks just like the picture in the book!

Lara reaches for it, but stops. She’s wearing fingerless gloves. You have mittens on.

“Actually, can you grab it?” she says to you.

“Can we leave then?”

“Yes!”

You grab the little statue.

As you do, there’s a sudden noise and you turn around as blue light flashes. Something like lightning crackles from the penises of the statues, crisscrossing the room, snapping through the air. It’s everywhere! You can’t leave!