The internet. The internet knows EVERYTHING.

Freshly showered, dressed in fresh clothes, and still with no idea where to start. That's us right now. Sitting in front of my PC, we do our conjoined couple snuggle, with Joy's head resting on my shoulder and my hands hugging her abs, while her hands rest on the keyboard. The browser is open on a search page, and the cursor is blinking as if it wants to mock us.

"What do I even type? 'Dick replaced by woman'? 'Disembodied cock'? 'Magic turned my life upside down'?"

"Dunno if we're gonna get any results like that... Maybe try 'transformation magic uncontrollable lust'."

"Uh-huh..." Joy does, and the results make her facepalm and me laugh out loud. "Of course it's all goddamn porn!"

"Okay, okay," I try to calm down, still giggling occasionally. "Maybe try 'magic shop near me'. Let's go less specific and try to find an expert on magic first. Maybe they can help us."

"A magic expert with an internet presence. Sure."

Not even ten seconds later, Joy eats her words.

"Look at that. A magic expert with an internet presence." I can't help but smirk a little, earning a playful jab from Joy's elbow. "'Madame Mesmeric's Magical Emporium'. Not too far from campus, too. Worth a try?"

"Worth a try."

Madame Mesmeric's Magical Emporium looks exactly like the place Ellie would frequent. Frequently. In short, it's a stereotypical 'quaint' shop filled with esoteric crap. Healing crystals, incense, self-help books talking about chakras and inner goddesses. But: First impressions can be deceiving. Case in point, me and Joy with our strange strap contraption. No one would ever be able to tell we're actually connected.

"Hmm, how strange. You two... share a body and a soul..."

I stand corrected, on both counts. Madame Mesmeric seems to be the real deal, as she instantly knew what our deal was. Which still comes as a surprise and stuns me and even Joy into silence.

"Oh, don't look at me like a faerie in the face of cold iron. Whatever happened to you is writ large in your aura."

"And you just see that." Joy sounds skeptical, arms crossed under her bosom. Created by magic (apparently), and she's the skeptical one? "See anything else?"

"Yes. That you should get some Plan B, just to be sure."

Joy stammers, and I feel my face heat up. Madame Mesmeric has Second Sight, for sure, but she doesn't have much in the way of tact. She gets up from behind the counter, a portly, stout woman looking for all the world like the stereotypical owner of a stereotypical 'magic' shop, from the bandana with the little jangling coins to the impressive amount of amulets and trinkets around her neck to the richly embroidered dress. But knowing that she knows things, sees things, I can't help but think that she's playing to the expectations of her customers with her outfit.

"It's a fine mess you got yourselves into there," Madame Mesmeric grumbles as she inspects Joy's face closely - so closely, in fact, that Joy shrinks back and presses her body against mine. "Everything's all tangled and knotted, I can't even begin to understand what exactly happened... Your spell got away from you, hm?"

"Wait, what spell?" Confusion is clear in Joy's voice, and I continue the question I know we both have. "We didn't do any spells. I didn't do any spells. A few days ago, I didn't even know magic was real!"

"That's what most people think." Looking smug, Madame Mesmeric makes her way past salt lamps and stacks of incense packets before she turns the 'OPEN'-sign around. "They're wrong."

"Obviously..." Joy mutters under her breath, but Madame Mesmeric either doesn't hear the remark or chooses to ignore it.

"That said, the spell that did this to you had to be both very powerful and very amateurish," the shaman/witch/whatever the term is shakes her head and presses her lips together. "Think of it like programming. There are no annotations to your 'code', it was written by someone who barely had any idea what they were doing, and then the compiler tried to make sense of the code, only to complicate everything further. I can barely tell what the intention was, beyond something with genitals and femininity."

"Uh." That doesn't sound good, and to keep my mind from spiraling, I latch on to the one thing that seems most incongruous. "You own a magic shop. Why do you know about programming?"

"Everyone needs a hobby," Madame Mesmeric shrugs, pulling one of the talismans around her neck over her head so she can let it circle in front of me and Joy - and the arc the gemstone takes does not seem to follow the path I would expect. The wince on Madame Mesmeric's face also doesn't raise our hopes. "That's what I feared. I think my great-niece would use the term 'borked'. I don't think anything in my shop or my power can help you, my dears. Your one chance is to find whoever did this to you and pray to the Ancestors that they can do something."

"That... well." Hopes thoroughly dashed, I slump slightly and hug Joy from behind, her hands quickly finding mine.

"It's less than we hoped for, but more than we feared," Joy says dejectedly, giving Madame Mesmeric a weak smile that the witch answers with an apologetic one.

"I'm sorry I couldn't be of much help, dears. But look at the bright side, you seem to be getting along splendidly." The pointed look she gives Joy's lower abdomen makes us both blush again. "But there's one thing I can do for you."

Taking off another one of her charms, Madame Mesmeric holds it out to us - on a fine silver chain hangs a little white crystal that once again swings in a way that doesn't quite mesh with physics.

"This talisman should help you trace back the magic to its originator, the one that did this to you." Taking Joy's hand and putting it in her palm, Madame Mesmeric smiles warmly. "Only 25 dollars. I do run a business, you know."

Joy sputters, and I raise my eyebrows, but the decision is already made. I'm the one with the money, 25 bucks isn't that much, and finding whoever did this takes first priority. Although I have my suspicions.