I woke up the next day feeling well-rested, though my arm was asleep from sleeping on my side. Even still, I couldn't believe that I had spent the night with Corrine, who was curled up naked beside me. This had been my biggest fantasy for so long, and I had actually managed to pull it off. I took a moment to enjoy the feeling of her body against me, warm to the touch, before I kissed the top of her head and slipped out of bed, putting on some shorts before leaving the room.
I quickly discovered that I wasn't the only early-riser that morning, because Elizabeth was sitting at the table with a bowl of cereal wearing a loose t-shirt and sweatpants. We both exchanged 'good mornings' as I poured my own bowl and sat across from her, waiting for the right moment to say the things that I wanted to say to her.
"Sounds like you had fun last night," she said with a smile.
I felt myself blush as I replied, "A little bit."
She giggled before saying, "The walls are thin."
"I noticed the other night," I replied, making her blush slightly. "Having fun yourself?"
"Not as much as we used to, if that's what you're asking," she responded with a knowing smile. "Things are a little... handsy, but not nearly as intimate as they were with you. I don't want to go too far with Simon since Stephanie..."
"Since she likes-likes him but only liked me," I finished for her, a little more curtly and bitter than I had intended.
She picked up on this sudden change in my tone. "Does that still bother you?"
It took me a moment to think about my answer, but it came out easily enough once I had it. "Not as much as it used to... but yeah, it still does. I can't help but wonder, you know, what's wrong with me? What does Simon have that I don't? Could I have been what she wanted had I just... been different? I... I know it's kind of pointless to think about this stuff, but it's kind of hard to shake when you think there's something wrong with you and you want nothing more than to make it right. I just...I want to know what I did wrong..."
I stared down at my bowl, not even noticing her stand up and walk around the table to sit beside me and hug me.
"There's nothing wrong with you, Ian," she told me. "And Stephanie would tell you the same. I can't explain it for her, but I know that she still cares about you... just in a different way."
"What about you?" I asked, turning to face her.
"What about me?"
"You were pretty adamant that nothing could happen between us, but yesterday-"
"Yeah," she cut in, blushing, "I was..."
"Not that I minded!" I interjected, not wanting to offend her. "I'm just... I'm just trying to understand."
She paused for a moment, looking down before bringing her eyes to mine. "So am I. I'm... I'm trying to understand myself. Everyone else... everyone else is having these experiences... everyone else keeps growing as people, and I feel like I'm staying the same. College is right around the corner. It's a new start, Ian. A new beginning, for all of us... and I want to know who I am before I embark on it."
She put her head on my shoulder, looking off at nothing as she continued, "I don't want to sound pessimistic or anything, but... I feel like any chance we had at being something more than friends...went out the window a while ago... maybe even the night Stephanie sneaked into your hospital room. Regardless of whatever feelings I might have, I couldn't do something that might hurt her. All I knew was that I had all of these feelings and no idea what to do with them. And after the whole thing with Simon, you had too much other stuff going on. Dealing with that, your fight with Amy... by the time the dust finally settled, it was already spring break. I hate to sound defeatist, but... college is a big thing, for all of us. We're going to be so far away from each other, you especially."
She was absolutely right. MIT was on the other side of the country, so no matter what I did, I was going to be hundreds of miles from everyone in a few months. Corrine saw this too, which was why she didn't want to complicate things with labels, either. It sucked, either way, but it was the rational decision for all parties involved.
Despite my inner-dialogue, Elizabeth continued. "So I made a choice...I could either sulk and be miserable or enjoy what time we have and learn about myself along the way. Just because we can't be together doesn't mean that we can't have fun, right? Obviously I'm not as...active as the rest of you, but I do things in my own way."
With her head still on my shoulder, she turned to look up at me with a sweet smile. "So I figured I'd be a little adventurous in the woods yesterday. You didn't seem to mind."
"I certainly didn't."
"Good," she replied, kissing my cheek. "So listen again: there is absolutely nothing wrong with you, and there's nothing you could have done to change Stephanie's mind on things. You can't help the feelings you have. You can only act on them, for better or worse. All we can do is hope to make the best of what we have."
A lot of things clicked for me in that conversation, as if a bunch of puzzle pieces began falling into place all by themselves. They say a problem shared is a problem halved, and I totally believed it in that moment as I felt a weight lifting off of my shoulders.
"You should talk to Stephanie," she told me. "She'd tell you the same thing."
That was the conversation that I'd purposely put off. The two of us hadn't had a personal conversation with just the two of us since she started seeing Simon. Whether I liked it or not, it seemed like this week was the best time to do it.
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