The best laid plans of mice and men (part one).

Scottish poet Robert Burns once wrote "The best laid schemes o' mice an' men, gang aft agley." Here, he was poetically citing Murphy's Law, which states that if a thing can go wrong, it will. This law lies right at the root of The Chaos Theory and everything we know about entropy; whereby it is commonly understood that if a butterfly flaps its wings in the Amazon jungle on a hot and humid afternoon, the consequence will inevitably be that Mrs. Burn's scottish laundry will be blown clean off her washing line by an icy hurricane the following Monday. Hmmm! Maybe those people who suffer from a fear of butterflies aren't being as irrational as we first thought!

Bert fears butterflies, but then in Gagaland and due to certain dubious genetic engineering practices carried out by unscrupulous wizards, flesh-eating butterflies the size of houses are not uncommon. Therefore, our hero is keeping an eye out for them as he makes his way to the corner shop to check out those little cards in the window advertising various local cottage industries; such as tarot card readings, full body massages, séances, sock darning and midwifery courses.

Of course, you wouldn’t recognise Bert as Bert if you saw him right now. What you'd see is some wreck of a girl who looks as if she might have been knocking back a bottle of sherry behind the tavern a short time ago and is walking as if she were very recently deflowered. This is the image Bert sees being reflected back to him in the corner shop window on his arrival, prior to scanning the cards. A surreptitious wiggle of his wand coupled with a short incantation soon has him looking prettily pristine again, (though his vagina's still sore). He sees several cards of the type he's looking for and jots down the details. He also jots down the details of the full body massage service for future reference.

As he's doing so, he suddenly feels something warm, substantial and definitely alive rapidly winding its way up his leg under his long skirt. At first, he fears it might be a snake; but then he remembers that there are no snakes in Gagaland anymore. The giant butterflies ate them. His next thought is that he might be experiencing some sort of wardrobe malfunction as he's unused to wearing female apparel. However, his reflection in the window shows nothing amiss. Then something really strange happens. When whatever's winding its way up his leg reaches his groin, it just kept on going - inside him. Never having had a vagina to protect before, he didn’t know he had to and now it's too late. There's not much pain from this unexpected penetration since he himself tore his own hymen a short time ago. There's only shock - but as the shock subsides and what Bert now realises is someone's enchanted penis starts to move up and down inside him, very pleasurable sensations begin to flow through his entire body. Instinctively, he relaxes and gives himself up to the waves of thrilling ecstasy surging through him as his newly acquired clitoris and g-spots are rhythmically massaged by the invading member. Behind the pleasure, there's an exquisite tension beginning to build not dissimilar to how he feels when wanking. It means an orgasm is on its way. Looking at his female reflection, he sees her eyes widen and her tongue moistening slightly parted lips. He hears rapid female breathing coming from himself and..... was that a moan? Soon, the penis inside him convulses and his sensitive vagina experiences the sensation of what it's like to have sperm pulsing into him instead of out from him for a change. This is enough to tip him into full female orgasm. His entire body seems to explode with devine rapture as wave after wave of something indescribably wonderful surges through him, causing him to shudder and cry out in utter bliss. It is, however, a very different cry that emanates from the other side of the street at this point. It's more of a scream really. Bert turns to see what's happening and what's happened is that a horse and cart have just run over the cock that's been fucking him from across the road.

"There ought to be a law against that" comments Bert to himself as he turns to head homeward, conscious of something rather gooey slowly trickling down an upper thigh.