The Waifu Corollary

The ripple concluded as Gil put his hand on the new tester’s shoulder, resolving into an entirely new face. One darker in complexion than that of the pale woman he’d seen only a few tests ago, and quite lovely in her own right. He could guess from the outfit he’d seen her in that he’d been in some kind of medieval fantasy setting when he’d purchased this version of Asenath. She was dressed in a fine, sequined dress fit for a 1920s flapper.

“Calm down and breathe.” He said. “Look at me. Tell me about your current test. How have you been holding up? Who are you now?”

“I’m… I’m in a world much like my first.” She said, “Nineteen twenty five. I’m… moderately rich? I’m working with a few other first time testers, but they don’t seem to know what’s going on. They panic over every little thing. It’s like they’ve never seen magic before.”

“Daughter?” The other Asenath interrupted, “Is that you? I didn’t recognize you. I’m so sorry, things were never meant to go this way.”

“Shut up, Ephraim.” Gil spat at the man wearing Asenath’s old face. “This doesn’t concern you. Come on, we can have a chat. I can give you some pointers. Sounds like they picked you out as a de facto guide for a team of newbies. There are much worse first assignments for an internal promotion.”

“I… I still have some of my powers.” Asenath said unsteadily. “They’re so much weaker, though.”

“Yeah, well, most forms of hypnotism you run into in tests is a lot stronger than what baseline human psychology allows.” Gil said, trying to gently steer Asenath away towards the door. “You lost the magic parts, but you're lucky. It’s not quite as widely applicable as martial arts, but mesmerism is pretty good as a starting skill as long as there’s a social component to your test.”

Rose hung back, fascinated. Every other tester Gil had shown her had shared a degree of Gil’s blithe confidence. An utter certainty that could only be explained by untold years of experience. This woman, on the other hand, seemed almost lost.

The woman, Asenath, didn’t resist Gil’s attempt to pull her away, but she looked over her shoulder at “Ephraim” before they reached the door. Once someone focused on him again, he was able to call out. That’s how the viewing chamber worked; attention focused on someone led to them being allowed to move, think, and unfortunately speak.

“My dear girl.” Ephraim said, his manner uncannily masculine despite the girlish form he took, not even feigning femininity, “You’ve grown strong. I’m sorry that you were apparently cast out. I only intended to borrow your body for a short time. Until I could find another.”

“Shut the fuck up, Ephraim, or you will regret it.” Gil growled again. “Asenath, you know better. You remember how hard he fought the exorcism. He’s just lying.”

“What if he isn’t?” Asenath said, her voice cracking. “You said every world has small variations. What if this version…”

“What if he what?” Gil said, “What if he feared **** so much that forcing his own daughter to be a passenger in her body sounded acceptable? Then he’s a cowardly piece of shit instead of a pure evil piece of shit. Even if he wasn’t, he’s not really your father. You have no connection to him. Walk away.”

“Are… are you one of the testers now?” Ephraim asked, “I was told that testers could take us away. Let us see the outside world in return for our services. I’d be honored to help you, my daughter. To be the father I never was.”

That was the last straw for Gil. The version of Ephraim he’d known briefly had not only attempted to steal Gil’s body, he’d tried to drive Asenath mad out of spite when subjected to an exorcism. Every bit as powerful as T5 implied, but completely untrustworthy.

The details stubbornly evaded him, but Gil could feel it in his gut. This story, the one where an old man steals the body of his own daughter, among others, to pursue immortality? It wasn’t the kind that was reimagined to make the father the good guy. Asenath herself had potential to be adapted into anything from paranormal romance to noir, but in every version of that tale Ephraim would be the asshole she escaped, survived, or was broken by.

Gil pulled up his tablet and locked eyes with Ephraim. He linked to the Ziggurat’s wifi and navigated the shop.

20 credits to purchase a T5. Done.

Gil didn’t bother to check the sell price. He spent just long enough looking at the character sheet to confirm there was only one soul behind those eyes. He wasn’t sure if that made this Ephraim better or worse than the first one he’d killed. Had he killed or ousted the girl when he stole her body to save her suffering, or just to get her out of the way? It didn’t matter in the slightest to Gil. He didn’t remember what she’d been wearing at the time, but he could remember the hollowed out girl he’d rehabilitated over years quite clearly.

Sell.

Oblivion.

Ephraim’s eyes widened for a fraction of a second, only realizing at the last possible moment that he was about to die. Then the entire body disintegrated into fine black ash, which vanished before it hit the ground. Rose gasped softly, but it was drowned out by Asenath’s shocked scream.

“What did you do?” She demanded.

“You were spiraling.” Gil said, glaring at the shorter woman. “I’ve seen the pattern. I’ve seen it end people. You’re going to need to go through a few more tests before you’re ready for something like that. Even if everything was fine, I sincerely doubt you could afford burning twenty credits to get a hand grenade like Ephraim in your retinue. What did I tell you? You yourself were an object fucking lesson!”

“You said to focus on tier threes and insufferable louts if I really must purchase someone from the Bazaar as a full retinue member.” She said sulkily. “That you only took a chance purchasing me and my father because you were limited to a single retinue member when we were together, who must be your wife.”

Asenath looked away from Gil, refusing to meet his eyes. Instead, they landed upon Rose, and narrowed. Currently in Keilnei’s body, Rose appeared as an extremely tall, curvaceous woman. More importantly, she was either with Gil or gawking at Asenath like some kind of side show.

“Who is this, Lord Gilbert?” She asked icily. “Is she with you?”

Gil winced, but rallied. He had a procedure for this sort of introduction, though it had not been fully followed due to the emergency with Ephraim. He could still salvage this if-

“I’m his wife.” Rose said, “Rosevalda Durst. It is a pleasure to meet you. You are quite lovely; I see why Gil favored you.”

If Rose had read the room even slightly better. The compliment at the end had been a nice touch, and establishing her relationship to Gil first might have been a good idea if that was the main concern. Unfortunately…

“I see.” Asenath said bitterly. “I suppose I should have expected that. You were always quite open about your preferences, weren’t you Gilbert?”

“Asenath.” Gil said plaintively, “You personally led women into bed with me dozens of times, and that’s not even counting when I slept with you in other bodies. Especially by the end.”

Asenath had mutated into a rather large and vicious fish monster by the end of that test. The specific details of why evaded Gil thanks to the meta knowledge scrub, but they’d had a rather more complicated sex life by the time Gil was in his forties. She’d had decades to master and refine her father’s techniques by that point.

“Perhaps, but that reminds me.” She said, “As you said when last we met, you are no longer my lord. You no longer have the right to make choices for me.”

“And yet when you saw me, your instinct was to call me lord.” Gil said, “My instinct was to protect you from a danger you were unable to accept. I’m sorry. Is there anything I can do to make it up to you? We aren’t likely to see each other again for a while if you walk away now.”

“I will probably regret this… but no.” Asenath said. “I… I think I’ll go check the tier threes.”

“I hope that I see you again soon.” Gil said, “In better circumstances.”

Asenath gave an unladylike snort as she turned away. She left the room with sufficient alacrity that Rose was fairly sure she was fleeing.

“Who the hell was that?” Rose asked, turning to Gil.

“You in about a hundred years, realistically speaking.” Gil answered. “You’ll have different hangups, you’ll resent different things, and you might be a bit more cold blooded about the whole thing given your personality, but most of the girls like you I meet end up as testers if I think they have what it takes. I’m friends with a lot of them. A lot of them avoid me.”

“Were you planning on telling me any of this?” Rose asked. “It seems fairly relevant.”

“Nah. I expected you to figure it out.” Gil answered. “Nobody tells anyone shit in this industry. You’d best get used to puzzling it all out yourself.”

Rose raised an eyebrow, remembering the rather extensive explanation of Bazaar economics not five minutes prior. She took it for the lie it was, but didn’t expect that pressing Gil would spontaneously reveal the truth. In any event, he had already turned away and was checking his tablet.

“Alright. I’ve still got ten credits to work with. I’ll buy the two Amelias for Vanessa and…” he muttered to himself, “Alright, we are down to eight credits. Let’s see what we can do with that.”

“Wait.” Rose said, “You purchased that woman just to sell her? I thought you said that was a terrible deal!”

“Well, I’m not allowed to **** Lord Erich’s property without buying it first.” Gil said, shrugging. “Besides, Ephraim in Asenath’s body was apparently one of the main characters of Asenath’s source material. Big name, best bracket for sales available. I made back most of the price in goods even if I only got back half the credits. Come on, we still have stuff to do. If you want Asenath’s life story I can tell you when we aren’t on a timer.”

Gil scanned the two Amelias’ character sheets and was pleased to see that they, too, were labeled as Big Names. In a couple of tier one goth girls from an Edutainment game, that just meant they were worth a normal Gacha instead of a lesser Gacha. That still supported his theory nicely. Rose, though she fully intended to demand more information later, was willing to bow to Gil’s wisdom for the moment.

Gil entered the chamber and pulled out a pad of paper with a long list of names, starting with the tier 1s he’d picked out earlier. A stocky young man with curly brown hair and a baseball cap winked into existence across from Gil. He looked around with obvious interest.

“Alright mister… Dustin Henderson.” Gil said, flipping through the pad to another page. “I need you to tell me if any of these names look familiar to you. If they do and you can tell me about them, I might have a job for you.”

The page read:

Snow White, Humbert, Grimhilde, Rim Elm, Vahn, Noa, Mei, Drake Kingdom, Strahd Von Zarovich, Ireena Kolyana, Ismark Kolyana, Rahadin, Barovia, Azuremist Isle, Draenei, The Exodar, Prophet Velen, Sin’Dorei, Blood Elves, Silvermoon City, Brockton Bay, New Wave, Glory Girl, The Protectorate, Miss Militia, Armsmaster, Empire 88, Leviathan, Skitter, Grue, Menja, Othala, Fenrir’s Chosen, The Pure, The Merchants, Skidmark

••••••••••

Ephraim/“Asenath” Waite, T5 big name

10 credits

“Iosefka?” card

Possession Defense tag

Monstergirls upgrade on Beastmaster Sphere unlocked.

••••••••••

Up up up, we got a new card. What do we do with it?

https://strawpoll.com/3RnYX49zAye