The Trial

We got to a castle. In front of the castle were man-sized playing cards with limbs and a head.

"Hey, you cards seen my brother and our mutual friend?" I asked.

"Er... Are here about the girl who's been accused by stealing the queen's tarts?" one of the cards asked.

I assumed the girl was Dawn, "Yeah. Sure."

"Okay, come with us."

We were led into a courtroom.

On the bench sat a grumpy older woman in royal garb, with black hair tied in the back with a red headband, who looked to be presiding over the court.

In front of the stand was a slender ghostly pale girl with shoulder length blonde hair that had been pushed over her shoulder, exposing her back. Standing naked, her wrists were bound in chains between two columns. She cried out with each lash of the whip. The card behind her swung the whip again and again, blooding the pale expanse of flesh on Alice's back.

The white rabbit scrambled up the last few steps of his podium before trilling the small horn he held.

“Court is now in session!” The white rabbit heaved; he looked exhausted from his run, “Her majesty, the Queen of Hearts, presiding!”

"Wait! They hadn't even started the trial and Alice was already being whipped?" I asked.

"You know her name?" Tank asked.

"Yes! This is obviously Alice, the main protagonist of the book!" I said.

After a moment of tense silence, the Queen of Hearts narrowed her eyes at Alice and leaned forward in her seat somewhat threateningly, “This girl is the culprit. There’s no doubt about it,” The queen boomed, slamming her fists on the podium, “And the reason is... because I say so, that’s why!”

The girl's face twisted slightly in annoyance as she leaned over the bench of the witness stand toward the queen, "That is so unfair!"

Why was she acting like the whipping was just a mild inconvenience?

“Well, have you anything to say in your defence beyond ‘unfairness’?”

The girl looked straight into the queen's face without slighting at the sight. “Of course! I’ve done absolutely nothing wrong. I wasn’t even there when it happened!" the girl went on a assertively, "You may be queen, but that doesn’t give you the right to be so..." She paused her, searching for a word, "...so mean!”

“SILENCE!” The queen screamed loudly, pounding her arms against the podium, “You dare defy me?”

I knew how this story ended. The queen would order Alice beheaded, but it would all turn out to be a dream. But this was no dream. Alice was actually going to be beheaded.

"Hey, guys, we should help her out," I said.

"This doesn't have anything to do with us!" Glaze said.

"But Glaze-" Tank started.

"No buts!" Glaze said, "Unless it's about our mission, we've got nothing to do with it!"

"The court finds the defendant guilty..." the queen says, "For crime of stealing my tarts, OFF WITH HER HEAD!"

“No! No!” The girl pleaded as the card soldiers began to arrange themselves in formation and approached her. “Oh, please!”

I couldn't stay quiet anymore. Why do I need Glaze's permission, anyway?

“That’s it,” I growled as I summoned my Chainsaword and rushed in, “Hold it right there!”

“This will not go well,” Glaze muttered, but kept her staff at the ready and followed anyway.

"What is the meaning of this?" said the Queen.

"You know, I could ask you the same thing…"

“Who are you?” The queen peered down at us, “How dare you interfere with my court!”

"Yes," I said, bluntly, "The way I see it, you're just a fat, bad-tempered old tyrant, and—"

SLAM! Before I could finish, the Queen pounded the podium and glared intensely at me.

"Silence! You imbecile!" She raised her staff and pointed at us, "Off with his head!"

I made my body invisible.

"What're you going to do now?"

"Off with his head!" the queen said.

"But your majesty, he is only a head. We cannot chop off a head without a body attached to it," the White Rabbit said.

"You asked me who I was? I guess this makes me the Cheshire Cat," I said.

"That is true," the Hatter said, on a seat opposite me.

"I thought you were trapped at the Tea Party," Tank said.

"The Queen has permitted me to be here as the prosecutor. Given the fact that beheading Felix is impossible," the Hatter said.

"Stealing my tarts is a serious charge," the queen said, "State the name of the defendant."

Time to start my Ace Attorneying.

"The defendant's name? Well, that's Alice... something... possibly Liddell..." I said.

"It is Liddell," Alice said.

"Do you know what tart Alice stole?" the queen asked.

"I do not," I said.

"What about how Alice stole her tarts?"

"No, I just got here," I said.

"Then how do you know she's innocent?" the Hatter asked.

"The prosecution may call its first witness," the queen said.

"The prosecution calls Alice Liddell to the stand," the Hatter said.

Alice was unchained and collapsed to the floor.

"If Alice doesn't move to the stand, she will lose her head!" the queen said.

"You tortured her with a whip. What do you expect?" I asked.

Glaze and Tank had to carry Alice to the stand.

"Miss Liddell, is it true that you stole the queen's tarts?" the Hatter asked.

"No," Alice said.

"Then can you explain why you are here?" the Hatter asked.

"I was accused of stealing the queen's tarts," Alice said.

"How is this evidence? You're basically saying that she's guilty because she was accused!" I said.

"Next question, Alice, you were in Wonderland. Why?" the Hatter asked.

"I fell down a rabbit hole," Alice said.

"And you previously drank a Drink Me potion to get through the door? Is that correct?" the Hatter asked.

"Yes," Alice said.

"Did the potion give you consent to be drunk?" the Hatter asked.

"Well... It's a potion,"

"Just answer the question," the Hatter told her.

"No..."

"I also have another witness," the Hatter said, "The man who found empty trays where tarts are supposed to be. Just before making the gruesome discover, he saw Alice fleeing the scene of the crime!"

"Mr. M. Hatter, the prosecution may call its witness," the queen said.

The Knave of Hearts walked into the courtroom. In the book Alice in Wonderland, he is the one on trial for the crime Alice was accused of. Could he be the actual culprit? Though, it is implied that the queen didn't even have the correct person standing trial.

"Give us your testimony," the queen said, "Tell us what you saw on the day of the theft of my tarts!"

"I was going door to door when I saw Alice fleeing the scene of the crime," the Knave said, "I thought she must be in a hurry because she left the door behind her open. Thinking it strange, I looked inside."

It was time for my first, "Objection! Isn't someone leaving a room a common sight?" I asked, "I find it odd that you would take notice of it."

"Er... Huh... I don't know. She just seemed strange to me. Running round the castle naked. That's all," the Knave said, "Like she was mad, and yet frightened at the same time. She also had a conversation with herself about it. Just like... a criminal fleeing the scene of a crime."

"That's conjecture!" I said.

"Your face is conjecture!" the Hatter said.

"The Hatter has a point, Felix," the queen said, "Continue Mr. Hearts."

"Then I saw it lying there... an empty where the queen's tarts were supposed to be! I quailed in fright and found myself unable to go inside," the Knave said.

That seems like an overreaction to me.

"Objection! How do you know the empty tart was for the queen's tarts?" I asked.

"Well... It looked tarty," the Knave said.

This evidence is ridiculous. If the queen wasn't obviously crazy, acing this trial would be trivia.

"That doesn't prove anything!" I said, "For all you knew, it could have been meant for anything else."

"This is trivia! The witness merely stated the tray looked tarty!" the Hatter said.

"You've failed to provide any evidence of Alice's guilt," I said.

"And you've failed to provide any of her innocence," the Hatter said.

"You with your 'objections' and 'evidence'... Just who do you think you are?!" the queen asked.

"There is no evidence Alice stole your tarts. If you can't prove she's guilty-" I said.

"That's merely conjecture," the Hatter said.

Maybe I can try using his own tricks against him, "YOUR FACE IS CONJECTURE!"

The Hatter held up a certificate, "This certificate proves that my face is not conjecture. Tell me, do you have a certificate that proves your face isn't conjecture?"

They have certificates for this in Wonderland?! Well, it's no weirder than the normal world I originally came from.

"Wait! Why is everyone wearing heart shaped stuff?" the Knave asked.

"This is the Heart Kingdom," the White Rabbit said, "Or the Kingdom Hearts."

"Oh shit, I'm at the wrong trial," the Knave.

"Are you not the Knave of Hearts?" the queen asked.

"No, I'm the Knave of Spades. I gotta get going," the Knave of Spades left the courtroom.

"Where is the Knave of Hearts then?" the queen asked.

"I believe you chopped his head off for stealing one of your tarts," the White Rabbit said.

"Wait! Is that the crime Alice is being accused of?" I asked.

"Hold it! The Knave stated that Alice was talking to herself. Could it that Alice was an accomplish?" the Hatter asked.

"But that was the wrong Knave! His testimony shouldn't mean anything!" I said.

Take that!

The Hatter just threw his hat at me, whacking me straight in the face, "Shut up! I hate you! It was Alice, I tell you! I saw her! She killed her!" Killed who? Is this now a **** trial? "I come all the have down here and treat me like a criminal! A criminal!"

What?! Does he think he's the one being accused? The Hatter threw another hat. This time I caught it.

"Did you just catch his hat? Your body hasn't disappeared at all! It's just invisible! I've had enough. I AM THE LAW HERE! Anyone who defies the queen is guilty!" the queen said.

"That's crazy! I'm done with this nonsense!" Glaze said.

"For your defiance, you all shall lose your heads! Seize them at once!" the queen demanded, pounding on the table.

Almost instantly, the cards turned towards us. They gripped tightly onto their razor-sharp spears and battle axes and surrounded us. Grinning wildly, the Queen rubbed her hands together and watched as the cards leaped into the air, and the battle began.

We fought our way through the masses. Spades swung their battle axes, while hearts charged forward with their razor-sharp spears. I found myself ducking and dodging almost constantly, and I barely had time to retaliate.

Tank charged through several cards like bowling pins.

A card swung his axe, and I was **** to duck to avoid losing my head.

Rolling out the way of another heavy strike, I struck at the card, cutting it in half.

Glaze shot a fireball at another card, setting it on fire.

"You fools!" the Queen screamed.

As I ran towards the Queen, I ducked below a spade's axe and leaped over a charging heart. When I reached the podium, I leaped into the air and slashed my weapon against the Queen's back. She let out a blood curdling scream and fell forward, kicking her legs in the air. The heart cards panicked.

"Off with your own head!" I said, slicing the queen's head off.