The Thing They Found in the Shed

So okay, that's it. Break time is over. The magical war won't wait any longer. Let Operation: Arcane Law commence.

The first step in Operation: Arcane Law was coming up with the name. That took, like, basically the rest of the school day. You'd almost gone with Operation: Arcane Justice? But then you realized that it could be cooler if it could be an acronym, and OPAJ sounds like a dwarf from some seventies Lord of the Rings knock off, and also you'd been spacing out in class and now Mrs Henley is super annoyed with you. Whatever. Your mom will give her an autograph at the next Parents' Night and you'll be her favorite again. Truly perfect operation names are fleeting; you can get an education whenever.

The second step in OP:AL is figuring out the rest of the steps. Solid work on step one, though.

Maybe Jenny has some slightly less nebulous ideas on how to proceed. Fortunately for you, she's by her locker when your last class lets out. Unfortunately for you, she's currently in the company of your cousin Jessie. Ugh, you'll never forgive Aron Davies for trading Jessie the locker next to Jenny's after just one hand job. Your cousin's eyes narrow at you in her compact's reflection as she sees you approach, the girl giving her plump lips a pop as she finishes applying lip gloss and slips the closed applicator back into her deep cleavage. "What do you want? We've got an extra practice to run."

Jenny doesn't bother trying to contain her sigh. "Why did you want us to have an extra practice, again?"

Jessie huffs, planting a hand onto her flaring hips. "I mean, seriously? After last Friday's nightmare, we've got to really get our shit together if we're going to avoid a repeat." Uh-huh, sure. And how is cheerleading going to do that, exactly? Before you can decide on a snarky retort, Jessie whirls on you, her massive chest threatening to jiggle straight out of her top as she sticks a finger into your face. "And hey, you stay away from Quinn Foley. I heard you were bothering him. He's all fuckin' sad right now, and you're just gonna make it worse."

"What! How am I going to make it worse?!

"You know! With your whole thing! Your whole...Ashley thing! Trying to be a smart-ass and making jokes and whatever. He knows he fucked up! He doesn't need you kicking him while he's down, got it?"

She's warning you not to be mean to Quinn?! You're so annoyed by your cousin's baseless accusations that it takes you a moment to work through what she's actually saying. Is goddamn Jessie trying to protect Quinn? "Why in the world would I say anything mean to Quinn?"

Jessie rolls her eyes. "When have you ever had a chance to say something mean and didn't?"

Okay. That's so not fair, but also maybe a little fair. "Jessie, I wasn't being mean to Quinn. We're friends, okay?"

Your cousin doesn't seem convinced. "Really? I didn't know you were friends with jocks, I thought you just fucked them." That animates Jessie again, her accusing finger back in your face. "Is that what's up? Because fumbling at Quinn's dick when he's down is just as bad as kicking him, okay?"

Jesus. "I assure you, I am not fumbling for Quinn's dick."

Jessie eyes you suspiciously. "Really?"

"Yes. Really."

She glances Jenny's way, who shrugs. "I've witnessed zero dick fumbling, it's true."

That seems to convince your cousin. "Well...fine. Okay then." She closes her locker, still looking faintly annoyed. "Seriously though, we've got so many problems besides Quinn. The line is dogshit, the mascot guy can't even stand up, that new coach is a real weirdo-"

That seems to perk Jenny's ears up. "New coach?" She leans in towards Jessie. "What new coach?"

"Uh, the new one? Omigod, you didn't see him yet?! With those sunglasses, all stiff and stuff? Terrible BO, totally rude. Wouldn't even say 'Hi' or anything. He looks like that serial killer dude! You know the one; um, the mustache one. From that show. With, like the hair that goes--"

"Jessie." Jenny claps her hands together, knocking your cousin out of her runaway thoughts. "Where did you see this new coach. How do you even know he's a coach?"

"Well duh, because he had on one of those hats and had a whistle and stuff. Oh, and he was going into the equipment shed! That place is locked up until practice, right? So he had a key, so he's a coach! Uh, right?"

There's an unpleasant prickling feeling running up your neck as you and Jenny exchange a meaningful look. Maybe it's nothing? You fucking hope it's nothing. But still. "So hey, anyways; I need to borrow Jenny for a bit. Why don't you get that practice started? Maybe run the whole thing!"

Jessie glares at you. "Yeah right. Don't be a bitch, Ashley."

Jenny quickly cuts in, backing up your play. "No no, she's got a point. I was telling her earlier that you should totally start getting more responsibilities in the squad. This is the perfect opportunity, right?"

"Really?!" Jessie looks like she might explode in a shower of excitement when Jenny gives her a grudging nod, then squeals in delight and pulls the girl into a hug that she grudgingly returns. Not that Jessie doesn't find time in her delight to shoot you a faintly suspicious look. Ugh.

Wait, no time to be annoyed by your cousin right now. It seems like OP:AL might have just gotten it's official second step.

A few minutes later, you and Jenny are peering around a corner at the man awkwardly shuffling towards the more remote of the school's equipment storage sheds. And sure enough, Jessie was right: He does look sort of like the BTK Strangler. No offense to creepy white dudes with mustaches, obviously. Well, maybe a little offense.

Jenny squints her eyes, baseball bat propped onto her shoulder as she scans the empty recreation field. "You noticed it too, right?"

"Yeah. There should be people around. I think he's doing something in there that's keeping people away."

"What about Jessie?" Jenny shakes her head before you can respond, coming up with her own solution. "No wait, I get it. Jessie's part of our herd; whatever's keeping people away doesn't affect us, and so it makes sense that it might not affect her, either."

Exactly. You're about to say as much when you spot someone coming up the path. Wait...holy shit. Is that really...? "Do you see that?" Jenny nods slowly as she takes in the sight of what's unmistakably BTK again shambling towards the shed. You saw him go in already, didn't you? "Did he slip out the back or something?"

"There isn't a back exit. And even if there was, how would he get all the way over there so fast?"

Magical catfuckery, that's how. There's no need to say it, though; the two of you are clearly on the same page. You wait for another minute, until you're reasonably sure that the supposed coach isn't going to appear again in the distance. Then, as quietly as you can manage, you creep towards the shed. When you finally reach it, Jenny grips her bat and presses herself against the facade as you crouch down, quickly etching a rune onto the door. Once it's complete, raise your hands to Jenny, silently ticking your fingers down from three. As you hit 'One', you quickly rap two knocks on the door. And then the lock pops open, and then you both burst through the door.

BTK doesn't seem surprised by your sudden entrance, the parts of his face not obscured by big mirrored sunglasses slack and expressionless. And for that matter, not only isn't he surprised, but he isn't, and he isn't, and he isn't as well; all four absolutely identical copies of the same faux coach staring at you and Jenny blankly as they...oh, what the fuck?! They seem to be constructing...something they've stuck to the wall of the shed, something that reminds you unpleasantly of a man-shaped wasps' nest. And judging by their dripping chins and hands, they've been using their own vomit to do it.

A brief spike of panic lances through you as they turn away from their work and towards the two of you, arms menacingly outstretched. But then a multicolored light flares up at your side, and Jenny's flaming baseball bat arcs out in a wide swing that catches the first BTK square in his ribs. The fact that he didn't even attempt to evade had you briefly worried, but then the bat hits home and continues on to plow clean through the man. A hideous shriek bubbles out of his mouth even as his top half topples back, shriveling and turning black like papier-mâché set on fire, a cloud of stinking midges swarming out of his apparently hollow body to fizzle and burst upon exposure to the open air.

The remaining clones balk at their fellow's sudden demise, giving Jenny time to swing her bat around and bring the rainbow-inflamed weapon directly down on the next one's head. The sight of him collapsing in on himself like a smashed jack-o'-lantern seems to set a fire under the remaining BTKs, both of them immediately attempting to race for the door. The less fortunate of the two is immediately caught from behind by Jenny's backswing, immediately bursting apart at the seams, but the last of them manages to slither past the deadly cheerleader and races straight towards you.

It's clear his intent is to trample straight over you, but you have no intention of letting him get away. As he makes his play to barrel past, you jump straight into his path. Oh fuck he is dense; Jenny made breaking them look so easy but whatever these guys are, they are not fragile. You struggle with him for what feels to look like an eternity, your hands locked onto his wrists as he struggles terribly to wrap his meaty fingers around your neck, his face still utterly expressionless. You're putting every bit of your strength into holding him off, twisting your body in an attempt to throw him off balance. With great effort you manage to stagger the clone, his head whipping forward and his sunglasses clattering to the ground. And then he looks up.

His eyes are huge and lidless, made up of countless tiny facets. And inside each of these little mirrors, there's Beatrix, the girl sneering at you a thousand times through the eyes of her drone. The two of you stare at each other in wordless hatred, even as Jenny smashes her weapon into the BTK's back and he folds in half. You don't care though; you're too focused on Beatrix to pay any mind to the man crumbling into dust between your fingers. Even as the what's left of the man dissolves away, taking her last window with him, she's mouthing something to you.

See you soon

Your friend wipes her brow with her arm, letting out a pant of air as she looks you over. "Are you alright?"

"No. Not even a little."

Operation: Arcane Law needs, like, a billion more steps.