The Decision

For a few seconds, neither of you moves.

Kelly remains straddling your lap with her hands resting against your shoulders, while yours stay loosely around her hips. The playful confidence she had only moments ago has faded into something quieter. She studies your face as if she’s waiting for you to say what both of you are already thinking.

She shifts slightly on your lap before immediately stopping when she feels just how much the last few minutes have affected you. Her eyes drop between the two of you before slowly returning to yours.

“Well, that doesn’t exactly make this conversation easier,” Kelly says with a small smile.

“You’re the one still sitting there,” you point out.

“That’s a fair point,” Kelly replies.

“You could move,” you say.

“I could,” Kelly agrees without moving an inch.

You raise an eyebrow.

“I’m considering my options,” Kelly says, repeating your excuse from earlier.

“And?” you ask.

“Your lap seems pretty convincing,” Kelly replies with a grin.

You laugh at the callback, and Kelly does too, but the joke only buys the two of you a few more seconds before the reality of the situation settles back in.

“You know what I meant before, right?” Kelly asks.

“Yeah,” you reply. “I know exactly what you mean.”

She looks at you for another moment before glancing toward the hallway.

“Because I really want to keep going,” Kelly admits.

The bluntness catches you off guard.

“Really?” you ask.

“Really,” Kelly replies. “Probably more than I should.”

“I’m not seeing the problem yet,” you say.

“Your dad,” Kelly answers immediately.

That does it.

For the first time since this started, the possibility of him finding out is sitting directly in front of both of you.

“Oh,” you say.

“Yeah, oh,” Kelly replies.

She glances toward the front of the house even though both of you know he’s still out running errands. The empty house is the reason the two of you have been able to get this far without worrying about being interrupted, but it also puts a clock on whatever happens next. Eventually, he’s coming home.

“He’s out right now,” you say.

“I know he’s out right now,” Kelly replies. “That’s part of the problem.”

“How is that the problem?” you ask.

“Because he said he’d be back in about two hours,” Kelly replies. “Which sounds like plenty of time until I remember what we’re sitting here deciding to do.”

You glance toward the clock before looking back at her.

“Two hours is a while,” you say.

“About two hours,” Kelly corrects you. “He could be early.”

“So you’re worried he’ll come home?” you ask.

“I’m worried about a lot more than him walking through the door,” Kelly replies. “I’m worried about what happens if he ever finds out this happened at all.”

Her fingers absently move against your shoulders while she thinks. She still doesn’t climb off your lap, which makes it difficult to believe she actually wants this to stop.

“What happens if he finds out?” Kelly asks.

“I don’t know,” you admit.

“Exactly,” Kelly replies. “Neither do I.”

“He doesn’t have to find out,” you say.

“That’s what everyone says right before somebody finds out,” Kelly replies.

“Fair,” you admit.

“I’m serious, John,” Kelly says. “What would we even tell him?”

You think about it for a second.

“Probably not the truth,” you answer.

Kelly stares at you before a laugh escapes her.

“Very helpful,” Kelly says.

“You asked,” you reply.

“I was hoping you’d magically have a good answer,” Kelly says.

“I don’t think there is one,” you admit.

“That’s the problem,” Kelly replies.

The room goes quiet again.

You can tell from the way she looks at you that this isn’t about whether she wants you anymore. That question seems to have answered itself sometime during the last few minutes. She’s trying to decide whether wanting this badly enough is worth dealing with everything that could happen afterward.

Even while she thinks about it, her body seems considerably less interested in stopping than her brain does. She shifts closer until there is barely any space left between you, then slowly runs her hands from your shoulders down your chest.

“You’re making a pretty convincing argument for stopping,” you say as you look down at her hands.

“I’m thinking,” Kelly replies.

“This is how you think?” you ask.

“Apparently,” Kelly answers with a faint smile.

She leans closer as if she’s about to kiss you, stopping with her face only inches from yours. For a second, you think she’s finally going to close the distance, but instead she stays there and watches you.

“That’s cheating,” you say.

“We’re not competing,” Kelly replies.

“Then what are you doing?” you ask.

“Trying to figure out if I have enough self-control to make a smart decision,” Kelly says.

“How’s that going?” you ask.

Kelly looks at your mouth before meeting your eyes again.

“Terribly,” Kelly admits.

“Do you want to stop?” you ask.

Kelly immediately looks at you.

“No,” Kelly replies.

The answer comes so quickly that both of you seem surprised by it.

“That was fast,” you say.

“Because I don’t want to stop,” Kelly replies.

“Then what’s the question?” you ask.

“Whether we should stop,” Kelly says.

“That’s a different question,” you reply.

“A much more annoying one,” Kelly says.

You smile slightly, but she remains serious.

“If your dad wasn’t part of this, I wouldn’t even be having this conversation,” Kelly admits.

You study her face.

“You’d keep going?” you ask.

“Yes,” Kelly replies without hesitation.

“How far?” you ask.

Kelly gives you a look.

“You know how far,” Kelly answers.

That answer leaves very little room for misunderstanding.

“Okay,” you say quietly.

“Don’t sound so surprised,” Kelly replies.

“I’m not surprised,” you say. “It’s just different hearing you actually say it.”

“Trust me, it’s different saying it,” Kelly replies.

She sits back slightly, but rather than putting any real distance between you, she lets her hands trail back up your chest until they settle around your shoulders again.

“And that’s what makes this so stupid,” Kelly says. “I know exactly what I want to do while I’m sitting here trying to convince myself to think about everything that could go wrong.”

“You’re not doing a great job convincing yourself,” you say.

“No,” Kelly replies as she looks at you. “I’m really not.”

“You could get off my lap,” you point out.

Kelly looks down at where she’s sitting before deliberately settling closer instead.

“I could,” Kelly replies.

“But you’re not going to,” you say.

“Doesn’t look like it,” Kelly answers.

She looks away again, but this time she doesn’t stay there long. Her eyes return to yours, and the uncertainty in them has less to do with what she wants than with whether she’s willing to accept the risk.

“I keep thinking about what happens tomorrow,” Kelly says.

“What about tomorrow?” you ask.

“I have to look at him,” Kelly replies. “I have to act normal around him and somehow not think about this every time you’re both in the same room.”

“That might be difficult,” you admit.

“Exactly,” Kelly says. “And what happens if one of us acts weird? What happens if he notices something? What happens if this doesn’t stay one night?”

That last question hangs between you.

“You think it wouldn’t?” you ask.

Kelly looks down at you.

“I think that’s another question I probably shouldn’t answer while I’m sitting on your lap,” Kelly replies.

“That sounds suspiciously like an answer,” you say.

“It probably is,” Kelly admits.

You let that settle for a moment.

“Do you regret any of this?” you ask.

“No,” Kelly replies.

“Neither do I,” you say.

“That’s almost making it worse,” Kelly admits.

“Why?” you ask.

“Because I’d have a much easier time stopping if I did,” Kelly replies.

You can’t argue with that.

Her hands slide slowly from your shoulders until they rest against your chest. She looks down at them for a moment before meeting your eyes again.

“Tell me what you actually want,” Kelly says.

“You already know,” you reply.

“I want to hear you say it,” Kelly says.

You look directly at her.

“I want to keep going,” you tell her. “But I don’t want you doing anything because you think I expect you to.”

“Trust me, that’s not the issue,” Kelly replies.

“Then what do you want?” you ask.

She exhales slowly.

“I really, really want to keep going,” Kelly admits. “I just wish there wasn’t someone who’s eventually going to come back through that door and make everything about this a thousand times more complicated.”

“So we agree on what we want,” you say.

“Unfortunately,” Kelly replies.

“Very unfortunate,” you say as you glance down at where she’s still sitting.

Kelly follows your eyes before looking back at you.

“Don’t,” Kelly says, fighting a smile.

“I didn’t say anything,” you reply.

“Your face did,” Kelly says, throwing your earlier words back at you.

You laugh, and she finally does too.

She leans into you while she laughs, pressing close enough that whatever distance had returned during the conversation disappears again. Her forehead rests briefly against yours before she pulls back just enough to look at you.

“See, this is exactly the problem,” Kelly says.

“What is?” you ask.

“I’m supposed to be figuring out why we shouldn’t do this,” Kelly replies.

“And?” you ask.

“And I keep wanting to kiss you instead,” Kelly admits.

“I can see how that would interfere with the process,” you say.

“Significantly,” Kelly replies.

The laughter helps, but it doesn’t make the decision for either of you. Eventually it fades, leaving the two of you looking at each other again.

“If we do this, we don’t get to pretend we didn’t choose it,” Kelly says.

“Okay,” you reply.

“And you can’t decide tomorrow that I somehow talked you into it,” Kelly adds.

“I won’t,” you say. “Same goes for you.”

“Fair,” Kelly replies.

“So you choose for yourself, and I’ll choose for myself,” you say.

Kelly watches you for several seconds.

“Okay,” Kelly says. “Then I’ve made my choice.”

Your heart jumps.

“And?” you ask.

She leans closer until her face is only inches from yours.

“I want to keep going,” Kelly replies.

You don’t answer immediately.

“Your turn,” Kelly says.

“I want to keep going too,” you reply.

There it is.

No teasing. No excuse. No pretending either of you misunderstood what the other person meant.

You both made the decision separately.

Now you’ve said it out loud.

“So…” you say.

“So…” Kelly repeats.

Neither of you moves.

You start laughing.

Kelly does too.

“This is ridiculous,” you say.

“I know,” Kelly replies through her laughter.

“We just spent five minutes deciding this, and now neither of us knows what to do,” you say.

“I know what comes next,” Kelly replies.

“Oh, you do?” you ask.

“Generally,” Kelly says.

“Good,” you reply. “I was worried.”

Kelly rolls her eyes.

“You’re ruining the moment,” Kelly says.

“You started laughing too,” you point out.

“Because you’re an idiot,” Kelly replies.

“Yet here you are,” you say.

“Unfortunately,” Kelly replies with a smile.

She leans down and kisses you.

The kiss is different from the ones before it. There isn’t the same uncertainty behind it anymore. Her hands slide around the back of your neck as you pull her closer, and for a while the conversation disappears entirely.

When she eventually pulls away, she keeps her forehead against yours.

“Last chance,” Kelly says quietly.

“For what?” you ask.

“To decide this is a terrible idea,” Kelly replies.

“It is a terrible idea,” you say.

Kelly pulls back enough to look at you.

“That wasn’t what I meant,” Kelly says.

“I know,” you reply. “I’m still saying yes.”

She studies you for another second.

“Me too,” Kelly says.

You kiss her again.

This time, Kelly only lets it continue for a few seconds before breaking away and climbing off your lap. She stands between your knees and looks down at you.

For the first time since she sat on you, you aren’t touching each other.

The sudden distance feels strange.

Kelly takes one step backward.

Then another.

You watch her.

She raises an eyebrow.

“Well?” Kelly asks.

“Well what?” you reply.

“Are you coming?” Kelly asks.

You glance toward the hallway and then back at her.

“Where are we going?” you ask, even though you already know.

Kelly gives you a look.

“Do I really need to answer that?” Kelly asks.

“Probably not,” you admit.

“Then get up,” Kelly says.

You stand from the couch.

For all the talking the two of you just did, actually standing there together makes the decision suddenly feel real. Kelly seems to have the same realization because she doesn’t immediately turn toward the hallway.

“You’re sure?” you ask.

Kelly looks directly at you.

“Yes,” Kelly replies.

“You?” Kelly asks.

“Yes,” you answer.

A small smile appears on her face.

“Okay,” Kelly says.

“Okay,” you repeat.

She turns toward the hallway, and you follow.

Neither of you says anything as you leave the living room behind. The playful confidence from the couch is gone, replaced by the strange mixture of nerves and anticipation that comes from knowing exactly what the two of you just agreed to.

At the stairs, Kelly stops and looks back at you before briefly glancing toward the front door.

“Two hours,” Kelly says. “Probably a little less now.”

“Still sure?” you ask.

Kelly looks at you for a moment before smiling.

“I’m sure,” Kelly replies.

Kelly smiles and starts up the stairs.

You follow her.

This time, neither of you needs an excuse.