The Ballad of Tiffany Brian

"Merry Christmaaas!"

The whole crowd cheered as they gathered around the Christmas tree, tapping their glasses of eggnog and wine to celebrate the holiday spirit.

I was only fifteen years old at this time. My family and I were attending an old family Christmas party that our grandfathers and grandmothers usually set up every three years. It's a special time where every single one of us connected to the family tree would reunite and mingle before exchanging gifts.

I was off on the side, face glued to my phone as I mindlessly browsed the internet and only occasionally looked up once or twice to respond a friendly greeting towards a family member I either couldn't remember or haven't met yet. It wasn't until Aunt Felicia came up to me with a worried smile did I finally have an excuse to put my damn phone away.

"John, can I ask for your help?" She asked, with that familiar nervous tone that only worried mothers could convey.

"Sure, what's up Aunty?" Aunt Felicia was practically like a second mom to me. Seeing her worried like this immediately put my mind on serious mode.

"You remember your cousin Tiffany, right? My daughter?"

"Yeah, I think so..." I slowly nodded in recollection, "I don't think we ever really talk to each other though. Why, is something wrong with her?"

"You see, I may have been recently a bit too harsh on her over a petty argument, and now I can't seem to find her at all. I feel awful about it and I've been trying to find her to apologize, but... Well, as you can see, I'm not doing a good job..." She gestured around, laughing nervously. "I don't think she could have ran away from the party, but I'm still worried about her. I don't want her to get in trouble. Do you think you can be my second pair of eyes on this?"

"Sure, no problem." I shrugged, but asked, "Why do you need me specifically though?"

"Well... I think Tiffany is at that age where she's in her rebellious stage. I don't think she'll be willing to listen to me, even if I begged. I thought- maybe- she might be able to come around if she talked to a kid around her age. You know, she might be easily influenced if she spoke to someone that wasn't as old as her mother..." She chuckled awkwardly, giving me pleading and **** eyes.

Well, I mean, I'm not exactly the most sociable person... Plus, it's not like I even know what kind of person Tiffany was like. Still, since my aunt is so ****, I really couldn't turn a blind eye.

"Can you tell me what you two were arguing about?"

After questioning multiple eyewitnesses about the whereabouts of Tiffany Brian, I was finally able to gather enough evidence to conclude that she was hiding away in the attic of our grandparent's house. Haha! Detective John Doe, you crafty bastard, you somehow did it again!

All joking aside though, I wasn't really ready to face whatever was about to come my way. But I already promised I helped, soooo... yeah.

Climbing up the ladder to the attic, I was able to spot Tiffany hiding away in the corner, covering herself with a blanket. She glanced at me when she heard me arrive but pointedly decided to ignore me.

Hoo boy, I'm in for a rough one, aren't I? I especially don't know how to talk to girls either. Jesus, why did I agree to do this again?

Out of all the options I've considered, I decided to go with the most casual approach.

I walked up to her, sat down right next to her, and said, "So. Eggnog here fucking sucks, don't it?"

Whatever she was expecting me to say to her, it clearly wasn't that. She got caught off guard enough to actually guffaw at my comment, before embarrassingly clearing her throat and looking away. "Pfft- W-W-What do you want?"

"Better eggnog, for starters." I stated plainly.

She let out a small chuckle but immediately tried to smother her laughter with a **** frown. "C-Can you leave me alone? I'm busy..."

"Oh, sure. I can see that you've got quite the handful of tasks keeping you occupied." I nodded, grabbing the corner of her blanket, "I usually hate it when people interrupt me while I'm pretending to be an old piece of furniture too, so I totally get it."

She pulled her blanket away from me and gave me a chilling glare, "I'm not pretending to be a piece of furniture."

"Oh yeah? Then what are you doing, then?" I asked her.

She stayed silent for a moment, before looking away and quietly telling me, "It's none of your business."

"I disagree. I think it IS my business, and I can back that claim up with hard evidence."

She furrowed her brows confusingly at me, "Evidence? What?"

"This blanket here? It's got my initials." I pointed out the corner with the words JD Automobile Enterprise stitched on it, "See? The letters J and D. Obviously, this belongs to me and since you're hiding under it, then that means any and all businesses belong to me as well."

"That doesn't make any sense!" She cried out, before looking at the logo. "And this isn't your signature! This belongs to some car company!"

"Really?" I acted surprised, "Welp, looks like I got a car company to sue for fraud, copyright infringement, and identity theft."

Tiffany couldn't hold back her incredulous laugh this time, looking at me as if I had two chins surgically installed on my forehead. As if a metaphorical weight had lifted from her shoulders, she decided to pull the blanket back and allowed me to see her full face. "Who even are you?"

"John Doe. I'm your cousin. We've met a few times before, actually, but we never really talked to each other." I introduced myself to her.

"Oh... Yeah, now that you mention it, I think I have seen you talking to my mom from time to time." She said, curiously looking me over. "What are you doing up here and bugging me for?"

"I heard that you and your mom got in a big fight, so I decided to check up on you to see how you were doing."

"Oh." She clicked her tongue and looked away disappointedly, "So that's why. My mom asked you to find me for her, right?"

"Nah." I lied, "I just did it because I'm a nosy bastard."

She raised an eyebrow at me, "My mom didn't tell you to come find me?"

"Well, I mean, she did. But, like, who cares what adults want, amirite?" I shrugged playfully.

"...right..." She muttered, not really having any clue how else to respond to that.

"Anyways, enough about that. What's got you down? What were you and your mom arguing about?"

Looking away with a solemn look, she quietly said, “I don’t know if I should tell you... it’s a private family thing.”

“Wow. It’s a good thing I’m your cousin, which technically means I’m family, otherwise you’d never tell me about it.” I gave her a cheeky smile.

“God, you are nosy.” She rolled her eyes, but didn’t really seem to find me annoying. “Why should I even tell you, anyway? It’s not like it involves you or something.”

“Would you change your mind if I give you a dollar?” I asked, pulling out a dollar bill from my coat.

She furrowed her brows at the offending bill, deadpanning, “Seriously? A bribe?”

“Technically, I’m trying to buy the rights to your private affairs. But I can see that offer was too short handed. How about two dollars then?”

I waited patiently as I vigorously shook the two dollars in front of her, like a fisherman vigorously shaking his long pole in order to attract fish.

After a while, she smiled at my really pathetic attempts to get her to open up to me, slapping the dollars away from her face. “Alright, alright, I’ll tell you. You can keep your money to yourself.”

Yea.

Instead of pocketing the money away, I brazenly threw it behind me like a millionaire throwing away spare change, deciding it was money well wasted.

“So, what’s up?”

Tiffany seemed unable to make out what type of person I was, with my aloof and spontaneous persona throwing her in for a loop.

Still, after a moment of silence, she sighed and looked down.

“I really hate people sometimes. How superficial and mean they can be...” she mumbled.

I raised an eyebrow at that, but stayed quiet to let her continue.

“I hate adults a lot more though. Seems like no matter what I do or where I go, adults always choose whatever’s easiest for them. Doesn’t matter who it hurts or who they step on, as long as they get what they want, than who cares? I hate it. I hate hate hate it!” She grumbled, visibly growing more frustrated, “When I grow up, I’m not gonna be like that. I’m gonna break the cycle and be better than all these adults.”

Aunt Felicia wasn’t kidding about that rebellious phase. It’s even worse than when I had mine. I can technically see where she’s coming from though, even if the mindset is pretty narrow and naive.

I almost considered shouting, ‘Yeah, fuck the cycle’ but I realize that might be poorly timed. Instead, I asked, “What did your mom do to make you feel like this?”

Reminding her about their argument, the fire in her eyes went away and she leaned her head down. "My mom said she was going to meet and date other men."

There we go. I already knew about this from Aunt Felicia, but asking Tiffany to explain from her perspective might make me more aware of how to get her to make up with her mom again.

"And you don't want that? Why?" I asked her.

"Because that's like spitting in Dad's grave!" She shouted at me as if I should have already known why. "I thought my mom loved him! They've been together for so long before he died! And now she wants to go and forget all about him so that she can replace him with some random asshead that I don't even know?! Doesn't she know that Dad would have been devastated if he heard his wife moved on and dated another man?! It's STUPID!"

"But that's not the real reason why you ran away to hide in the attic, is it?" I mentioned. "Otherwise, you'd still be duking it out with your mom about this."

She looked away again, visibly tearing up as she remembered, "She said that Dad is already dead. And that he's going to stay dead forever, and no amount of remembering could ever bring him back. She said that she deserves to move on and find love again now that our lives are finally stable, and if I loved her, then I should move on too and quit being a burden on both her and Dad."

Sounds about right, Aunt Felicia did mention that she got so frustrated that she blew up in her daughter's face. She immediately regretted it when Tiffany cried and ran away though.

Hoo boy, I am definitely not equipped for family drama. Here goes nothing.

"That was pretty shitty of her." I casually remarked.

"Right?" She sniffed, using my car company's blanket to wipe her tears away.

"She should be apologizing to you for saying those things."

"Right..." She nodded, calming down.

"You should give her a lecture on setting a better example for herself. She's supposed to be an adult, for god's sake. Adults shouldn't be blowing up on their kids like that."

"Right."

"I feel bad for you. You don't deserve to feel like this. No kid should."

She nodded again, letting her guard down each time I agreed with her.

"But I also feel kinda bad for Aunt Felicia too, to be honest." I then countered.

She turned to me with a questioning glance, but I continued my point.

"I mean, how long ago did your dad pass away? Like, ten years now, right?" I asked, before explaining, "Imagine that. A mom that suddenly turned into a widow while she was still taking care of a baby girl. It must have been hard on her for most of her life, **** to care and provide for that girl by herself, all alone. She'd have no on to talk to when she gets sad or depressed, but she'd still have to **** herself to be a good role model so that her daughter doesn't grow up to become a messed up delinquent. Without a husband to provide for the family, she couldn't be the housewife she always wanted to be, so she had to claw and **** her way to get any decent job with a steady income just to afford to give her daughter food, water, education, and even a roof over her shoulders. Something like that, it's gotta be stressful."

Tiffany had a thoughtful look as she took in all my words.

"It must have been lonely for her. That must have been the reason why she wanted to find love again, now that both your lives are back on track. She can finally afford some time to fix herself."

"But what about Dad?" Tiffany argued, "Doesn't she still love him?! Why would she want to be with anyone else?!"

"I think... No, I'm pretty sure your mom isn't doing this because she doesn't love him anymore. If anything, it makes more sense that she's probably doing this because she loved your dad so much."

"...w-what does that mean?" Tiffany scrunched her eyebrows in confusion.

"Think about it. How would your dad feel if he found out that, because he died, you and your mom became miserable and sad? Especially your mom, since not only did she lose her husband, she also has to raise you up all alone without a father figure."

"He'd... He'd feel pretty bad about it." She said hesitantly.

"Right. He would. He would never have wanted either of you to stay sad about his ****, and he'd especially never want you two to stay sad for the rest of your lives. Wouldn't it make him happier if his wife was able to move on and find happiness somewhere else? Who'd want their wife and kids to stick around the body of their dead corpse every day? That's probably how your mom feels."

Tiffany stayed silent, unwilling to look me in the eye.

"But I don't think your mom will date another man, not without your permission."

"M-My permission?" She asked.

"If she really wanted to, she could have met and dated any man she wanted behind your back and keep it a secret from you. But she didn't. She chose to tell you first because she didn't want to hurt your feelings if you ever found out. I'm pretty sure that means she loves you so much, she's forcing herself not to move on until you were ready to move on too."

She widened her eyes at that.

I awkwardly scratched my head. Did I get through to her? Is she finally gonna come down?

"D... Do you really think Dad would want this?" She trepidly asked.

"Uh, are you suggesting that your father would rather keep you both stuck in the shadow of his **** for the rest of your life?" I sarcastically suggested.

She shook her head no.

"No shit he would obviously want this, then." I told her obviously.

It took her a while to get it through her head, but she finally nodded to me, "Okay. I think I get it."

"Good." I smiled at her, "C'mon, let's get down from here. The attic smells like teenage girl angst."

"That's mean." She puffed, before standing up.

I stood up as well, getting ready to go back downstairs. However, I stopped when I felt Tiffany grabbed on to my sleeve and wouldn't let go.

She had a nervous look on her face, squirming in place.

"Something wrong?" I asked.

"I... I don't know if I... I'm ready to face my mom again so soon... she might still be mad at me... I don't want to do it alone..." She nervously mumbled.

"What do you mean 'alone?' I'm obviously coming with you to make sure things don't go wrong."

She gave me a hopeful look, "You will?"

"I'm pretty sure your mom isn't mad at you anymore either. Even if she was, I'll put her in her place for ya." I told her in an overconfident tone.

She gave me a look that I couldn't really describe. It was like, fascination, or something. She suddenly asked me, "Are you... Are you sure you're my... cousin?"

"Pretty sure, yeah. Why?" I asked, raising an eyebrow at her question.

She gave a disappointed frown at that.

Before I could ask what was wrong, she let go of my sleeve and flicked my forehead, "I just can't believe I'm related to someone that's such a doofus. That's all."

"I resent that. I prefer to be called socially inept, myself." I remarked casually, rubbing my forehead. "So, we done here?"

"Yeah... Yeah, let's go down." She nodded appreciatingly.

They were able to make up with each other before the night was young. They bawled as they hugged each other, and it was like a Christmas miracle. We enjoyed the festivities after that, and we basically went home from our separate ways.

I hadn't seen her again until just two years ago after I moved to her city to attend college. She seemed to remember me, but I had a hard time recalling anything that happened that long ago. We've gotten along together pretty well, all things considered.

Five years ago... Five years ago...

Nope, nothing coming to mind. Can't remember a single thing. Shit.

Damn, it must be something that only the John Doe from this universe must have experienced.

Laying still on the bed, I asked Tiffany, "Have you ever told John about your feelings?"

She scoffed, "Of course not! How... How could I? We're cousins. I thought you would have been disgusted or creeped out. I didn't want that to happen." Turning to me again, she told me, "Besides, even if I did tell you, what then? On the off chance that you'd even return my feelings, how would a relationship like that work? If our family ever found out, it'd be devastating for both of us!"

"That's pessimistic," I remarked with a quirked eyebrow.

"..." She covered her face in her pillow, before her muffled voice came out with a quiet, "If... If you ever found out that the Tiffany from your reality... She felt the same as you... What would you do?"

"Ask her out and date her." I replied simply.

She looked up at me incredulously, "Seriously? Just like that?"

"Just like that."

"But... what about the ****? Doesn't it creep you out? What about your mom and dad, how they would feel about it?" She argued.

"Eh." I shrugged, "If I like her and she likes me, why not just go for it? See where it leads. Thinking about all that stuff is complicated anyway. If we really truly liked each other, we'd work around it somehow."

She looked at me in disbelief, almost like I was crazy.

The implication here that there was a possibility that the Tiffany from my world harbors the same feelings as the Tiffany in this world did, it definitely gave me a massive fucking ego boost. I should definitely remember to check out whether that's true or not if I ever go back home.

"You're seriously just like him, you know that?" Tiffany stated, leaning her head on her arm, "You're way too easygoing for your own good."

"Yeah, but that's what you like about me, don't you? Or, I guess in this case, what you liked in your John Doe." I smirked at her.

"Yes. Yes, I do." Tiffany replied matter of factly.

Well, that's an entirely different tone than before. She must be easing up now.

"Anyways, what would you do then if you found out your John Doe liked you back?" I curiously asked.

She stayed silent for a moment, before resolutely saying, "I think I might try to give it a shot too."

Before I could even say anything else, I noticed a certain look in Tiffany's eyes as she said that.

She suddenly decided to get up from her sleeping bag and walked over to the bed. A second later, she climbed up on top of me and placed her arms around my head to keep herself just above my face.

"Hello there." I blinked.

"Hey." She smoothly greeted back.

"You- uh... You look like you're ready to pounce on me." I chuckled nervously.

"If I did, would you mind?" She asked, her hot breath hitting my face like a sack of bricks.

Oop, and there goes my boner.

With a blush, I stammered, "Uh, so wait- how thin are the walls here? Would Aunt Felicia hear us if we-"

And she already grabbed my head to kiss me before I could even finish asking.