Thanking how?

Entry 3 – Om my god, I fucked up, I really fucked it up. Almost at dawn, Alex came back. I couldn’t sleep. I waited for him. First I felt very happy to see him coming back into the camp, but then I saw his face. He had cried, a lot. He was exhausted. When he looked at me... so angry, so pained... It hurt me to see him that way. It hurt me looking at him, but I couldn’t stop looking at him. I feel so guilty for causing so much grief to him. For forcing him to clean up the mess. My mess.

He must be angry at me. He barely looks at me. It’s like getting the silent treatment. The extremely silent treatment. When he looks at me, never longer than a moment, he looks angry and in pain. I can feel it. And I can feel my anger for myself, my shame for not being able to stand up for myself. My guilt for making him to kill that fucker. And I just froze. I panicked. God, I am so angry at myself!

I feel in debt and I don’t know even know how to make it up. I can’t even talk to him. Every time I am gathering my courage, while sitting next to him, he turns, or he even walks away. Every time he sees me looking at him, he looks somewhere else. Every time he tries to sleep he can’t and if he does somehow falls asleep he is clearly getting nightmares. I can’t even reach him. He doesn’t want me to talk to him. How the fuck am I going to fix this? – End entry 3

We were dropped off in Saarbrücken. I couldn’t care less. All I could think of was Alex, his pain and his anger at me. Rightful anger at me. Kate came to me and worsened it even more by telling me she was worried about him, the rest of the team was too, she added. And that he was clearly having nightmares about it. That it could be PTSD. But she said she saw my pain too. And my shame and guilt too. I told her I did feel guilty, shamed, but also extremely grateful.

“For him saving you...” Kate said.

“Yes, him...”

I could no longer suppress my curiosity about her earlier misgivings and asked her:

“Why were you in so much doubt that it was Alex that saved me from being ****? It was as if you couldn’t believe Alex would step in, as if it was against his nature to interfere in a ****?”

She sighed heavily. At first she couldn’t talk. Then it all came out at once.

“I don’t know whát to think about Alex...” She said in frustration. “When he came into our lives as our gardener, I found him funny and in a certain way handsome. My mother thought so too. She was frustrated that he didn’t respond at all to her hints. She was looking for a new partner. My father died when I was young. She somehow got over it, got a first lover again, didn’t turn out so well. Then Alex came into our lives. But then I caught him several times leering at me. He couldn’t hide it at all. He kept being our gardener, but could barely keep up a conversation. I thought he was a creep, only finding younger women attractive. Then the war started. I was **** to enlist to be a medic for a platoon. There was a huge shortage of us, there still is. The older medics were **** to work in the hospitals, the younger ones, those of us in good shape were ordered to join a platoon.

Then Alex came again to do the garden. My mother told him my brother and I were to be enlisted. My brother wanted to keep an eye on me. But Alex said he would enlist too. He promised my mother to try to protect us. Mom was in shatters at the time, she thanked him, he refused the thanks, said it was his duty to offer every bit of help, every bit of hope to her. The tiny bit of hope lifted her spirits a bit. And I was grateful for that, but didn’t think he would go through with it. What kind of a man wants to sacrifice his own life?

But at the training center he was there. He did enlist. I still didn’t know what to think of him. Did he enlist just to be with me, for the duration of the war? Or for more than just be with me? I caught him again leering at me a few times during the training. I didn’t trust him at all. I just couldn’t understand. My mom insisted we joined his platoon and was glad he was chosen as platoon leader. That way he could protect us better, she hoped. With **** I joined his platoon. I even said I was sad to not be with my boyfriend as he was **** to enlist as a medic too.

You know what he answered? He said I would see my boyfriend soon enough, the platoons would stay close together. I didn’t get it. If he wanted to be close to me, why would he want my boyfriend in the neighborhood? Why did he even try to console me? Why didn’t he give me false hope, something like: “you’ll see him soon enough, after the war.” No, he seemed distressed at me being without my boyfriend. And not once, after we were rushed into the busses, did he look at me like he did before. He just looked concerned. It was as if by stepping into the busses he realized he would have to keep his promise, and I was no longer an object of his desire, but someone to take care of. Like a father to keep his children safe. But I couldn’t understand his sudden shift. That is why I asked multiple times if it really was Alex that saved you. Only then I understood he really meant it when he promised my mom to take care of us. But I am still unsure why. And I want to know.”

I stared at her. I hadn’t heard her talk so much in one row. I thought about her words, while staring at her. Kate doesn’t know what motivates him. Sure she could think it was because he found her attractive, perhaps was even in love with her and really wanted to fuck her. But then he had consoled her when she said she couldn’t be with her boyfriend. And he stopped looking at her like she was something fuckable. But more like a child to take care of. And then when he saved me, she shifted her stance to admiration, but still doesn’t know his motivation. Fuck, I still don’t know how to thank him.

She caught me staring at her. She started blushing... and then she asked me why I was staring at her. Seeing her blushing so cutely, I simply said: “Because you look so cute!” And then she started blushing even more. Then it came to me and asked her:

“Oh, now I see, you are blushing for the compliment, because you find me attractive!”

Blushing even more and knowing she was caught, she whispered she did.

“So you are bisexual?”

Again, she whispered she was. But that she never acted on it, like she was also attracted to older men, but never had acted on it either. Suddenly, like she blurted out one of her biggest secrets, she shut her mouth and was blushing like never before. Beet red, she begged me not to tell anyone.

“I won’t, unless you tell him yourself.”

“Him who?”

“Poor thing, you are so confused about your feelings. Look, first things first: there are two kinds of leering creeps. The bad leering creep doesn’t feel guilty at all about staring at young beautiful women. That was Kemal. The good leering creep feels guilty all the time about it. The bad kind leers, because he sexually frustrated and wants to fuck any cute woman he sees. The good kind leers, because he is incredibly lonely and can’t control his fantasies about young good looking women like yourself. The bad kind will not bother to control himself, we saw that with Kemal. The good kind will do anything to control himself, and will never, ever try to hurt those women. By his own moral, law or just plain empathy trying not to hurt them. It is a difficult life sometimes for those kind of men. It is easy life for the bad kind. Do you understand?”

“I guess so. How come you know so much about men?”

Uh-oh... best to give some truth, but not all of it.

“Well, we were very poor in my family. And I had to pay for my s.. studies somehow.”

Fuck, almost slipped up there.

“Oh... oh...” Kate stumbled, clearly shocked.

“Best not to tell anyone, okay?” I whispered.

“I won’t,” Kate solemnly agreed.

“On the bright sight of my life experience, I saw all kinds of men in my life. All different kinds of lifestyles, all sexual orientations. There is nothing to be ashamed of, Kate, being bisexual, or falling for somewhat older men.”

She blushed slightly by mentioning the last part of my sentence, I noticed, but simply thanked me.

Poor thing, such a protective upbringing, that being leered at is cause for not trusting a man like Alex. I can’t have her thrashing Alex, even if it’s just in her mind, just for that. Besides, if it helps her getting rid of her confusion about the man, all the better. Clearly she feels more for Alex she wants to admit, even to herself.

“Now do you want to hear a joke? I must warn you I have developed quite a dirty mind.” I asked to lighten the mood.

“Sure,” she said, clearly happy to leave the topic for what it was.

“What's the best thing about a blow job?”

“I don’t know,” Kate answered lightly smiling.

“The ten minutes of silence!”

Kate laughed like she never heard anything funnier. She was clearly not afraid of a dirty joke.

Then Alex came to us, clearly not in the same mood. He said to Kate there was an extra course of battlefield surgery. He looked at me, with that same pained, angry gaze, and told me to go with her, as I was outstanding in the first medical training. Then he turned and left.

That killed my mood. Kate saw, but said she would perhaps see her boyfriend again. I was happy for her.

She did see her boyfriend again. But he barely spoke to her and after the extra training course he took her aside. After a while she was in tears. Her boyfriend had broken up. He had said she deserved the truth with this war and so. He had been cheating on her for quite a while, before enlisting. He couldn’t bear the thought of keeping up the lie.

All I could think of when I heard that was: “He couldn’t bear it.” Like he was the victim somehow. And that she had to be at fault. I told Kate. I was sorry for her, but the boyfriend was a cheat and a liar. That I knew how she now felt, like her heart was ripped out and crushed beneath his heels. I tried to console her the best I could, as I felt I had my own problems of the heart. She picked up on that and asked me what I was truly starting to feel for Alex, besides the shame, guilt, respect, admiration.

“An immense gratitude, but I don’t know how to thank him. You don’t know what motivates him to take care of you. I admit he is attractive for an older guy. She blushed again, took it astride as some of my teasing, and lightly smiled for it.”

“Perhaps you can give him a blowjob.” She countered. First while laughing, then got beet red. She continued a bit more serious. “But first talk about what happened, tonight, or tomorrow in the foxhole. Ask him what you can do for him to make it up. Otherwise it will never end.”