Surrounded

I lay flat on the crate, my lungs burning and limbs feeling like lead weights. Before I could catch my breath, six men in red bandanas stepped out from the treeline, cutlasses drawn... Defias bandits!

“Hand over your purses and the hammer, kid,” the lead bandit sneered. “And perhaps we won’t throw you in the river.”

Perfect timing, I thought. I could wager a bet that Sister Clara’s radiant shield was what drew them to us... That priest! Regardless, they were here and I didn’t have the strength to stand, so I fell back on Abbey training: when strength fails, use divine authority to terrify your enemy. I inhaled deeply to project my deepest, most intimidating roar.

“Halt, evildoers! Touch this hammer and the Heavens shall strike you down!”

Before the words cleared my throat, Sister Clara gasped in delight. “A holy proclamation! Let me amplify your righteous wrath, brother!”

She slapped her hands together and cast a vocal spell straight at my head. It hit my exhausted vocal cords, transforming my battle cry into an echoing, chipmunk-pitched warble:

“TOuuCH THiS HaMMER AnD THe HeAVEnS SHaLL STRiKE YoU DOuuWN!”

The bandits froze, then burst into hysterical, knee-slapping laughter.

“He sounds like a squeaking dog toy!” the leader wheezed.

I buried my face in the filthy wood.

“Clara... your divine assistance is truly a curse.”
“Nonsense!” Clara beamed, completely oblivious. “They are crying tears of holy remorse!”
Gerald took a calm sip of his tea. “While they’re busy dying of ‘remorse’, do we run, or wait for them to finish chuckling?”
“Run, you moron!”, I spurted angrily and tried to jump on my feet...