So What Am I Going To Do?

"Except you can," she finishes a moment later, "Except you kept on trying to stop him tonight."

I give a weak smile, still waiting for her to drop the bomb.

"I mean I know starting up with someone all new is going to be a little scary, but after diving in mouth first with Jake I figured you'd be down for it."

Blink. Blink again. Try to proces what she's saying.

"Hello?" she snaps her fingers in front of my eyes, "Em? Did I lose you somewhere along the way?"

"I think... maybe..." I reply, "Blake..."

"I know," she sighs, throwing her hands up in surrender and apology, "Bringing in Blake was probably over the line. Shouldn't have expected that just because you wanted one, you'd want the other too. Proabbly should have asked you first. I'm sorry, for what it's worth."

She didn't know. She really didn't know. Rachel had no idea that Blake had been the one to make me so... dirty this afternoon.

It was just dumb luck. My own special brand of bad luck.

"So let's move past it, then," she says, waving me off again, "Two on one obviously isn't working, but that doesn't mean we need to throw the whole damn night away. You get your Jake and me? I'll distract Blake. Deal?"

It was absolutely a deal. More than fair, as far as I was concerned. Better than I could have possibly asked for.

Rachel goes on, but I'm distracted. Something in me not able to quite place my own discomfort as I barely even process her saying, "And maybe once things go a little further down the line you'll change your mind. Not that you have to but I could send Blake your way after Jake gets you all warmed up and ready and then you could maybe-"

"I don't know about Jake," I blurt out, immediately turning around to check and make sure that neither he nor anyone else is within earshot.

"What do you mean?" Rachel asks.

I turn back to her, "I just don't know about him anymore. Something just isn't sitting right with me."

She shrugs, "You could take Blake then-"

"No," I cut her off quickly, shutting that down, "No it's not that. It's just... Something about Jake is... We just don't have anything in common."

I sigh, knowing that it's another nail in what is quickly becoming a very large and increasingly secure coffin.

"We were talking, before the movie, and we didn't have anything in common. He's into sports and I can't bring myself to care. I'm into books and he only cracks one if he absolutely has to. He clearly thinks that I'm a complete and utter nerd and I clearly don't have anything to talk to him about and I just don't... I don't see a future here, Rachel. I think I'm making a big mistake trying to start something up with him."

There is more that I can say, but it's honestly enough. And I know that it's heavy because a silence follows afterwards that makes me so sure that I am right here, that no matter how much it might suck, it's important to get this out in the air.

Where it can be addressed.

Where Rachel and I can both know.

So we can figure out a way forward. The right thing to say. The best way to let him down. Some means to let them all know how much I appreciate everything that's been done here but not to let it linger any longer than it absolutely has to.

And I know that Rachel will help, or at least I think so. Actually... come to think of it... I didn't exactly expect her help to come with a surprisingly childish giggle.

"Is that it?" she asks, between fits of laughter, "Is that what's got your panties in a knot?"

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