Singing the blues while the lady cats cry

After breakfast had been settled, the girls all agreed on who would take Sylvia in. They even worked out a schedule.

Nick was actually surprised. He’d been worried that the girls would be apprehensive about spending time with Sylvia, if not outright opposed. And while it’s true that not everybody was enthusiastic about the idea given the things that Sylvia had done, no one objected directly, not even Dani, who was the most ****.

In fact, the only person who didn’t seem to get involved with the Sylvia situation was Dawn, and Nick wasn’t sure why. She seemed to be lost in thought. It was subtle, and if you didn’t know her well, then you would never be able to see it. But Nick had spent a great deal of his school years watching Dawn out of the corner of his eye, so he was able to tell when something was bothering her.

The fact that she had cat ears and a tail that broadcast her emotions through physical actions didn’t hurt, either.

Maybe she’s just concerned that this is going to get in the way of our time together? He wondered. Tonight is her night, after all. It was the only explanation he could come up with for why Dawn, who was normally so kind and understanding, would be **** to offer up her time to Sylvia.

I should probably check in with her and see if she’s okay, he decided, walking over to the cat girl for a chat.

“Hey, Dawn,” he said gently, not trying to draw attention to himself or startle the girl who was clearly lost in thought.

While he succeeded on the “not drawing attention to himself” front, Dawn had certainly been startled. She let out a tiny yelp and her eyes widened slightly. Her tail shot up behind her for a moment before dropping down.

“S-sorry, I didn’t mean to startle you,” he quickly apologized.

Dawn sharply shook her head once. “It’s fine. What did you want?”

She winced as she said that, clearly not intending to come off that rude.

“No, it’s nothing,” Nick mumbled, scratching his head. He glanced over at the crowd of the other women. “Just… I was wondering why you weren’t joining in. It’s not anything to do with Sylvia, is it? Because if something’s bothering you, you can tell me.”

Dawn took a deep breath and then slowly exhaled. “…I know I can,” she said finally, trying to smile. “But it’s not anything to do with Sylvia. I promise. Just… I was realizing something just now, something I’d been trying to forget…”

Those words set off alarm bells for Nick. Dawn never forgot anything. So if she was actively trying to forget something, it must have been serious.

“…Well, alright then,” he nodded, noting the way Dawn seemed to sigh with relief ever so slightly, like she was glad to get an excuse to escape the conversation.

He would unfortunately have to disappoint her.

“Come with me, then, we can talk in private,” he said, reaching around her waist and turning her towards the door.

“H-hey!” Dawn’s eyes widened and her tail stood on end. Her ears flare as her body responded instinctively, turning defensive.

Nick frowned. “Just come with me, okay?” He pleaded. He turned to the other girls. “Dawn and I are going to go off for a bit, okay?” He asked them. “You guys be gentle with Sylvia.”

“Thank you, Daddy!” Sylvia chirped, waving eagerly to him. “Have fun!”

Nick noted the way Dawn seemed to tense when she heard the other women give their affirmations. He swiftly escorted her out of the Banquet Hall and into the hallway.

“Okay, what is it?” He asked the second they were out of earshot of the others.

“…What is what?” Dawn asked, pulling away from him and crossing her arms over her chest. He could recognize a defensive posture when he saw one.

“What’s got you all bothered?” He asked, trying to keep his voice as gentle and concerned as possible. He really was worried about her, and he wanted her to see that.

Apparently, that managed to get through, because Dawn soon relaxed, and her arms dangled loosely at her sides.

She sighed and hung her head. “…You wouldn’t understand,” she said quietly, and shook her head. “Not you of all people.”

“Just because I wouldn’t understand, that doesn’t mean I can’t help,” Nick pointed out. It was a point that Dawn reluctantly conceded.

“…You’re right,” she nodded. “Actually, maybe you can help…”

“Is it about what happened the other day? With the mirrors?” Nick asked, wincing. “I meant to talk to you about it yesterday, but I couldn’t track you down. Then I got distracted, and, well…”

“No, it’s not about that,” Dawn said, shaking her head. “The mirror thing is solved, I guess… mostly, anyway.”

“Then what is it?” Nick asked, filing away Dawn’s “mostly” to follow up with later- he didn’t like the sound of that.

Dawn sighed.

“It’s about Sylvia,” she mumbled. “Everyone seems to be falling all over themselves to help her out, even me.”

Nick tensed. That was definitely not the direction he expected this conversation to go, and he certainly didn’t want it to go that way either.

“Is… is that a bad thing?” He asked warily. “Dawn, if you have some issue with Sylvia, we need to talk about it now, before-”

“No!” Dawn blurted out, shaking her head frantically. “I mean, yes, she did a lot of terrible things, and I won’t forget them for one second, so I’m having a harder time forgiving her than most. But I’m a bigger person than that, I can tell that she’s just lost and confused and doesn’t always know better. No, this… this is something about me.”

Now Nick was really lost. Something about Dawn, that was related to Sylvia somehow?

What did that even mean?

“Well, I won’t know if you don’t tell me,” he pointed out.

Dawn nodded reluctantly. That was certainly the truth.

“Sylvia, she… everyone wants to help her. Even Dani. And she hates Sylvia! Everyone is still thinking about her, but me…” She raised her arms in an awkward shrug and let them drop to her sides. “I realized that no one is really thinking about me.”

Nick wasn’t quite sure how to unpack that. He stared at Dawn for a few seconds. When the cat girl realized he wasn’t going to say anything, she turned on her heel and walked over to a nearby bench, planting herself down on it and stretching out.

“You know, Nick, I’ve had a different buddy every round,” Dawn said, beckoning for him to join her with her eyes. “Every time I start to get to know my buddy a little, they end up with someone else. I mean, yes, it’s because I keep choosing new people, but I almost feel like I have to, you know?”

Nick nodded thoughtfully. That was true. Dawn had saved Rose and Morgana both from elimination. It was a nice thing to do. But it didn’t lead to her building stronger bonds or connections with other girls, either.

He was starting to realize what Dawn was getting at.

“Dawn… are you feeling lonely?” He asked quietly, sitting down next to her.

And then, to his shock, he saw Dawn begin to tear up.

“How silly is that?” She murmured, taking off her glasses and wiping her eyes on her sleeve. “Me, being lonely? It’s not like I’ve ever been some social butterfly, you know? I’ve always been on my own, just me and my cats.”

She sure didn’t sound proud of that fact.

“Dawn, the others all care about you,” Nick tried to console her, not sure what else he could say. “You don’t really believe that they don’t consider you a friend, do you?”

“No, of course I know that!” Dawn cried, gazing up at him. “I know that, objectively speaking, the other girls consider me their friend! But that… that isn’t what makes my heart hurt.” She held her hand over her chest and pressed down.

“It’s all too much,” she murmured, shaking her head. “Far, far too much…”

“Dawn…” Nick’s voice cracked, and he placed his hand over hers. But like a skittish cat, she swiftly yanked it away.

“I just want friends,” she said softly. “Real friends. People who I want me around. People who see me for more than just a big brain. And the others, they know that. They know there’s more to me than that! But then… then stuff happens like this morning.”

She turned and looked at the wide doors to the Banquet Hall.

“I know you weren’t at Mary’s bachelorette party, but apparently it was a lot of fun,” Dawn said. “I say ‘apparently’ because I had a lot to drink that night, and ended up falling asleep rather early. I missed most of it. And you know? It just kept on going, even without me. Because they didn’t need me there. They were happy enough having fun without me. And isn’t that just the story of my life?”

She hung her head, and her ears drooped.

“People are fine with having Dawn the brainiac around. It’s not like people dislike me or anything like that,” she said, shaking her head. “But ‘not disliking’ isn’t the same thing as wanting to be around them, is it? Sometimes, it feels… it feels like even if I wasn’t here, nobody would really notice. Nobody except you…”

Dawn turned and looked up into Nick’s eyes, and her ears fluttered up for a second. She pushed forward and kissed him gently. He thought, for a moment, that he felt her tongue slip between his lips, but it retreated just as fast as she pulled away.

She gazed at him with a sad smile.

“I do like you, Nick,” she said again. “And I know you like me. You were concerned about me, when no one else was, and you came to check up on me. And I love you for that.”

Her voice cracked and her face turned red. “I… I love you,” she repeated, her voice sounding shakier than before. It was one thing for it to slip out in the middle of a conversation, but to actually say it again was another story.

“I love you,” she repeated. “And that’s strange, don’t you think?”

“Um, ouch?” Nick tried to play it off as a joke, but Dawn describing the idea of her having feelings for him as ‘strange’ wasn’t exactly pleasant.

Dawn winced. “…Sorry,” she apologized. “That wasn’t what I meant. It’s just… we’ve had a weird history, the two of us. You can’t deny that!”

No, Nick definitely couldn’t. “Fair enough,” he agreed.

“And that’s just it,” she continued. “Our relationship is pretty weird. But in the end, we’re… I don’t quite know. I barely even thought of you before coming to this place. And then, getting to see all those sides of you, the good parts that I never took the chance to get to know when we were growing up… somewhere along the way, I ended up falling for you.”

She could only give him a sheepish smile for an explanation. “It’s not objective or rational. It’s just… how I feel. And I guess it’s the same for how I feel about all of them.”

Dawn turned to the Banquet Hall again and bit her lip.

“Last night, when I got a knock on my door, I was happy for a moment,” she said. “I thought that someone really wanted to spend time with me. But it was just Gina looking to shove her responsibilities off onto me, that’s all.”

“Well, in fairness to Gina, that’s kind of how she shows affection,” Nick pointed out, knowing full-well how lame that sounded.

Dawn just responded with a bitter laugh. “Well, I guess that’s something!” She shook her head and sighed.

“…But that’s just it, you know?” She murmured. “They don’t want to spend time with me… I don’t think anyone really, really does. And I don’t mean to be cynical or pragmatic, but there’s no way I can keep winning challenges forever. Soon enough, I’m gonna lose one, and when I do… is anyone going to want to pick me as their partner?”

Nick didn’t know how to answer that. And judging by the resigned pain in Dawn’s eyes, she knew that just as well as he did.

He frowned and turned his eyes towards the floor.

“…I don’t know,” he admitted. “I wish we didn’t have to eliminate anybody, you know? That… it’s definitely the worst part of this horrible show.”

He could still remember Holly how she used to be, before she was transformed into his sex ****. And certainly, that part of her was still there. She hadn’t really changed, not at her core, but… in so many ways, she had.

That was painful. And that pain didn’t begin to compare to how Sylvia had broken down when Mimi was turned into Marley. And even they were the same person, it still felt like a massive loss. Like when the Doctor regenerated into the next version in that one show. Same person, but fundamentally altered in a significant way.

Even Dakota’s breakdown had been tragic, and she had turned into a host out of spite.

He couldn’t think of anything positive that resulted from these eliminations. And who would be next? Sylvia? Dawn, as she feared? Dani, who Dakota had alluded to was tanking in the polls and not really doing anything to build relationships herself? Rose, who kept shoving her foot in her mouth and picking unnecessary fights like the one yesterday, with Mary?

It could be anyone. Even Mary.

“I don’t want to lose anyone anymore,” he said firmly, even knowing how hollow those words sounded.

Dawn responded with a laugh.

“Well, of course you don’t,” she said, punching him lightly in the shoulder. “After all, every girl who gets eliminated is one less person in your harem, right?”

Nick stared at her and her small face took on a sheepish red sheen.

“…Sorry,” she apologized. “That wasn’t the best joke to make… I just… I’m worried, you know? This morning, I woke up thinking about how happy I was, you know that? I was thrilled because I thought that finally, for once, I had close friends. People who cared about me. It was almost like a second family, one that isn’t putting an obscene amount of pressure on me to make use of my gifts.”But then, seeing how everyone was all-in on helping Sylvia, and nobody seemed to be talking to me about anything, I guess… I don’t know.”

It had felt like a betrayal, even if Dawn knew that was a crazy thing to think.

“…I’m not good at showing how I feel to other people,” Dawn said finally. “If I was a cat, then I could just go up and rub my head against them to show I want affection, but… that doesn’t really work with humans, does it?”

Whether it worked with humans or not, it sure made for a great mental image. Nick pictured it gladly and tried not to smile.

Of course, nothing went unnoticed by Dawn’s perceptive eye, and she lightly swatted him again. Then the smile slowly drained from her face and an awkward silence hung over the hallway.

“…I’m always afraid that I care about people more than they care about me,” Dawn said solemnly. “That because I’m so bad at showing I care, people think I don’t. That everyone assumes I’m fine with being a loner, so they just… leave me alone.”

That stung. It was a painful thing to think about. And Nick knew that feeling all too well.

“I thought the same way,” he said quietly. “After what happened with Holly and Mary in college, I stopped even trying to make friends. I was too afraid that if I tried to reach out to someone, they would think I was being creepy, or clingy. So even though I cared, I just… I couldn’t show it properly. I was afraid of doing that.”

“It’s not quite the same thing though,” Dawn pointed out. “You were too afraid to try, but I’m just, well…”

She fell silent, unable to finish that thought. Or, as Nick correctly surmised, unwilling.

“I don’t think it’s that different at all,” he said, cutting to the heart of the matter. “Dawn, if you want to spend time with the others, then you have to be the one to ask. If you don’t think that the other girls want to spend time with you, you can’t just wait for them to not want to hang out with you. All you’ll be doing then is affirming your biggest fears.”

Dawn winced. She could feel how truthful his words were, and again, objectively, she knew he was right.

But just because he was right, that didn’t mean she wanted to hear those things.

“But I-”

“Dawn,” Nick cut her off, refusing to let her use that big brain of hers to try and talk her way out of this. “You can’t just expect people to come to you. Maybe the reason they’re not reaching out to you isn’t because they don’t like you, but because they don’t know how. They don’t know if they should. Maybe they’re like me.”

He looked seriously into her eyes, and Dawn realized why he’d mentioned that bit about Mary and Holly.

“I think that a lot of people like you, Dawn,” Nick continued, taking her hands. “But if you keep feeling like they don’t because they never reach out to you, you’re just going to spiral and feel even worse. So why don’t you be the one to take the first step? Why don’t you reach out to them, and offer to do something with them? I think, if you do that, then everyone will be happy to spend time with you.”

That was his hope, anyway.

Dawn felt his warm hands wrapped around her own. His touch felt like it was melting the doubts in her heart, and reassuring her that everything could still be alright.

She took a deep breath and exhaled. “…Okay,” she finally said. “You’re right, Nick. You’re always right…”

If the reason nobody seemed to want to spend time with Dawn was because they were unsure if she wanted them to or not, there was a simple fix to that problem.

All she needed to do was be the first one to reach out.

She’d known that already, of course. But hearing it from someone else came as a comfort. With a nod, she reaffirmed her feelings once again.

“Okay,” she said again, pulling away from Nick even though she wanted nothing more than for him to embrace her. “There’s something I need to do.”

And then, before Nick could say another word, she turned and rushed back into the Banquet Hall.