She needs to pray.

Whatever Agamor thought of her, Teysa was still a paladin. Her life had been full of prayer: at the Abbey, where she had trained, and before that. Her mother had been a devout woman. She had prayed every year for a good harvest, prayed when her father was out hunting for days at a time, prayed over her brother Shando when he had broken his leg and taken fever. That last one hadn't worked, and she had prayed over his coffin when they lowered it into the ground. Teysa had prayed, too, too young to know the words but pressing her tiny hands together next to her mother and mumbling vague pleas. Don't let my daddy fall in the river and die. Please keep our cows healthy and strong. Please let the storm pass us by.

At the Abbey, they had taught her that that kind of prayer was wasteful. Prayer was how you communed with your God. You did not make demands of a God; you served loyally and faithfully and you were rewarded for that service with the chance to serve again. Every swing of Teysa's mace was a prayer, every trace of evil dispatched a benediction. She worshipped Agamor with the might of her arm and the strength of her back.

But she still prayed, too.

After a battle, Teysa had often liked to light a candle to thank Agamor for preserving her. In those moments she felt... if not a presence, then at least the possibility of a presence, a warmth that told her that her long fight against the forces of shadow and darkness did not have to be fought alone. Agamor would always be with her, she had been taught. She did not know what was happening to her now, but she clung fast to that old teaching. Agamor would not abandon her. Everything she did, she had done for Him. She had survived today, so she had to pray. It was that simple.

There was still a candle stub in her bag. It wouldn't be as bright as the votive Sun Candles lit in the Abbey during the Solstice feasts, but it would do. She fished it out and lit it on the second try. Laying it on a rock, she knelt in front of it and tried to gather her thoughts.

"Great Agamor, Lord of the Sun," she began, and paused. The words seemed to be coming to her with difficulty. Her mind felt clouded and foggy. She pressed on, trying to focus her mind on the image of the holy sunburst, the great stained-glass window in the Abbey's grand chapel. "Thank You for shining Your light down upon me. Today I have driven away the spawn of the Darkness. Your rays seared them and exposed the wickedness of their hearts. I do this for You, to protect Your people, so that light may always and everywhere triumph over darkness. Thank You for sparing me to fight another day."

She was not sure what she had expected, but a dull, leaden feeling settled in her stomach. She felt no different than she had before lighting the candle. Agamor was still out there, she knew, but He was silent. She bowed her head for a moment longer, than pinched out the candle.

"Teysa?"

She whirled at the sound of her name. El'keth was standing behind her, her eyes wide with concern. "El'keth! What... is everything all right?"

"I couldn't sleep," the drider responded. "I heard you say something. I'm sorry, am I interrupting?"

"No, no." Teysa felt a little foolish. "Sorry, you just startled me, that's all." She put the candle back in her pack and sealed it up.

"What were you doing?" asked El'keth. "I don't mean to pry, it's just--"

"It's quite all right, El'keth. I was praying. We won a victory today, and we all survived, so I was giving thanks."

"Oh." El'keth looked puzzled. "My mother leads us in prayer to Lolth. We don't use candles, though. Were you praying to Lolth?"
The question made Teysa furrow her brow. "Noooo," she said carefully. "I have nothing against Lolth, but Agamor is my God. I pray to Him."

"I see." El'keth nodded. "I'm sorry for interrupting you. I was thinking about what you said earlier. About the spiderlings."

Teysa nodded. "Yes, I recall. If you have a question, can you ask me tomorrow? Only, I'm tired and--"

El'keth swallowed hard. She had the look of someone working up her courage. Before Teysa could say anything, El'keth closed her eyes and blurted out, "Teysa, what was it like the first time you bore my mother's eggs?"

The question stopped Teysa in her tracks. She blinked in surprise. "What kind of question is that?"

"One my mother never asked." El'keth's expression was calm, but the urgency in her voice was unmistakable. "Teysa, everyone in this warren owes you a great debt. Not just for ending our conflict with the drow, but for showing us what else we could be. My mother's way was her mother's way before her, and her mother's before that. It is all we have ever been. She tells me that my way must be different. But how am I to avoid the mistakes of the past if I do not understand them?"

She reached out a hand, and Teysa took it tentatively. El'keth's skin was smooth as marble and warm. "I understand that it may be painful to recall, Teysa. I am sorry for what you have suffered. And for Aliara, and the other women. Until you came back from the City I was taught that all that was right and proper and the natural order of things. Now the world is upside down and I must unlearn everything that I learned. I want to do this. I want to be worthy of She Who Spins Below. In order not to repeat our old sins, I have to understand them."

Teysa shivered. Even now, after all she had been through, it was uncomfortable to remember that first time. She had been a virgin-- not for religious reasons, but because her single-minded pursuit of her vocation had left her little time for distractions. Since then, Aliara had introduced her to a world of sensations she'd never imagined, and they had been making up for lost time. Remembering that first time on the cold cave floor dredged up some memories she had hoped to keep buried. El'keth was right, though, and it occurred to Teysa that no other drider had asked that question. The thought gave her some hope. Maybe they could learn, after all.

"I was **** when she took me. She's strong-- you all are. When I came to she was cradling me like a baby. I was too dazed to fight back. She pinned me down and stripped off my armor. Mostly, you driders don't wear much in the way of clothes, but it's very humiliating to be made naked against your will. It makes you ****. Do you understand?" Her eyes went to El'keth's skirt. It was of a strange construction, short but very wide to accommodate the width of her spider body. "Maybe you do. Anyways, I was ****, and I knew something was going to happen, but I didn't know what. I had never been with a man before. The first time is supposed to be special in some cultures. Mine, I guess, but I never cared much about it. But when I saw that ovipositor, I knew what she had planned." She closed her eyes, remembering. The stone of the cave floor. The weight of the Matron pressing down on her. That iron grip. The bulbous ovipositor, questing, seeking...

"It felt like I was being torn apart. It was huge. I tried to push it out, then to will it out, but to no avail. It was in me, do you understand? Inside my body. Nobody else had ever been in me. There was nowhere to hide from it. There was nowhere I could go where the Matron wasn't. There was pain, but more than that, it was a terrible violation. It was like having an invader in your home, going through your cabinets, upending your furniture. Then I felt the eggs squeeze out, and it started to feel... I don't know. Warm. Pleasurable. In some ways, that was the worst part, because my body was responding. It was betraying me, it felt like. It was siding with the invader. I didn't want it to feel good, but it did."

Her breathing steadied and she looked El'keth in the eye. She squeezed the drider's hand, but El'keth gave no reaction. Her face was a mask of rapt horror. "I felt so bloated afterwards. I was sure I was going to die. It felt like I wasn't a person anymore. She hung me up on the wall and I just lay there in a stupor. I didn't care if I died anymore. I was just a thing, a piece of furniture. Then I heard Aliara's voice and she... she brought me back. I wanted to live again. I wanted to prove that I was a person, that I had hopes and dreams and needs and wants. When the time came to give birth I held onto that." She let go of El'keth's hand. "That's what it was like. It's different now. Being able to choose, I mean. I like bearing spiderlings. I like bringing life into the world. I want to help your people. I choose to do that. But the first time, I didn't choose, and neither did any of those other women. That matters. Your mother stole something important from them."

El'keth flinched away with a hurt look on her face. She looked down. "I... am sorry, Teysa. What happened to you was... was a grave injustice. Thank you for sharing your story with me." She paused. "Do you hate my mother?"

Teysa opened her mouth to respond, then stopped. It was a good question. Did she? She chose her words carefully. "No, El'keth. I know that she was just doing what she'd always done. I see that she is trying to be better. But I don't blame other broodmothers for hating her, or all driders."

El'keth nodded. "I understand. Thank you, Teysa. For everything." She bowed low. "I will watch over you. Please, sleep."

Teysa walked to the tent, replaying the conversation in her head. Telling that story had been difficult, but El'keth had acquitted herself well today. Maybe she had earned it. Maybe, with someone like her in charge, the driders actually had a chance.

With that thought, Teysa laid down next to Aliara and drew the blanket over both of them. She laid one arm over her lover's side and pulled her close. With Aliara nestled comfortably in the hollow of her body, she drifted off to sleep.